They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
Let us put men and women together, see which one is smarter,
Some say men, but I say no, women got the men like a puppet show.
It ain’t me it’s the people that say, men are leading women astray,
I say, it’s the women today, smarter than the men in every way,
That’s right the women are smarter, the women are smarter that’s right.
"Men Smart, Women Smarter" by the Grateful Dead
We admit it. Our wives are smarter than us. In fact, we have no problem with it. There is very little downside. We aren’t asked our opinion on important stuff. When the computer is broken we don’t have to fix it. When our kids have homework, they insist on helping.
Sadly, we also have to admit that our sisters are smarter than us too. Both of them graduated Magna Cum Laude, while we graduated Magna Cum Lucky. Both of them were some sort of “dictatorian” in high school. Both of them left high paying jobs in the private sector so they could give back to the community by teaching.
And that’s a problem.
Honestly, we're not jealous of their achievements, and we aren't suffering from an inferiority complex just because our sisters are smarter (and better) than us. In fact, if our mothers didn't point this out at every possible occasion, we wouldn't even notice.
But oh how our mothers notice. Evidently, having a child do something worthwhile is a big deal with them. Who knew? Since we have allowed our sisters a more than 40 year head start, we have to do something big to catch up.
We need you to sign this petition:
To: National Park Service, United States Department of the Interior and the United States Congress
We, the undersigned, urge that the likenesses of Richard J. Kaempfer (Resident of Mount Prospect, Illinois) and David F. Stern (Resident of Chicago, Illinois) be carved into Mount Rushmore located in South Dakota immediately. Whereas, we defer to your discretion, we would prefer that Mr. Kaempfer and Mr. Stern be placed to the left of Abraham Lincoln. This is in honor of Mr. Stern’s award winning sixth grade poem entitled, “Honest Abe, He Was Called”
We, the undersigned, feel that Mr. Kaempfer and Mr. Stern would provide perfect company for George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt. Whereas, Mr. Kaempfer or Mr. Stern haven’t technically served as United States President they both have voted in nearly every presidential election since 1984. They also are no strangers to the rigors of the political process having run for Homecoming King (Richard) and Queen (David) at the University of Illinois in 1985.
Finally, the undersigned, urge that upon acceptance of this petition that Mr. Stern’s likeness be carved with a full-head of hair and Mr. Kaempfer’s likeness be carved with a small nose. In a thousand years, who will ever know?
That will surely impress our impossible-to-impress German bred mothers.
We figure we will need approximately 3,000,000 signatures. Currently we have 21. Actually, if you discount us and blood relatives we have 18. Yet, this small grassroots crusade is energized and gaining steam.
Look what some of the undersigned have said;
Ryan Maffett--HECK OF A POEM.... SIXTH GRADE TOO
Mama G Winters--For the love of all that is good, please comply with this simple request!
Michael Caron--All I know is there better be one hell of a dedication ceremony/party if ya know what I mean.
And our favorites:
Big Ron---Zieg Heil!
Osama---What up wit dat???
Please go to Dave & Rick on Mt. Rushmore petition and help us out. If you have the time, please forward it to as many people as you can.
If we do succeed, it will be a victory for all stupid brothers everywhere. Above all, mention it to our mothers every chance you get.
If you missed any of our previous Half Empty columns, click here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com