Press and Praise for $everance

I wanted to thank everyone who has been so kind about my new novel "$everance." It is getting excellent reviews and notices across the country.

Next weekend I'll be in New York spreading the word further, but thanks to the following people and publications for helping me so far...








John Records Landecker and Shore Magazine

Robert Feder and the Chicago Sun Times

Ted Cox and The Daily Herald (article no longer available on-line)

Cara's Basement (PODCAST)

Steve Cochran and WGN Radio (Podcast not yet available online)

The Stan & Terry Show on WCKG (Podcast not yet available online)

AllAccess.com

"The Ministry of Truth" radio show on WHPK 88.5 FM

Scripps Journalism School at Ohio University

Crow On Chicago

Chicagoland Radio & Media

Dan Kelley's Classic Rock FM

Chicago Radio & TV

Dave Martin's N=1

Larry Shannon’s RadioDailyNews

The Beachwood Reporter

The Illinois Entertainer

Willyritch.com

Chicago Media Action

The Illini Media Alumni Club

Bob Dearborn’s RadioNotes (Subscription only)

Half Empty: 21st Century Dioramas

They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.





By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern




You remember the diorama, those mini landscapes in a shoebox that you were forced to build for school? Sadly, the technological revolution has all but killed our pal. Inexplicably, kids these days don’t enjoy pipe cleaners, crepe paper, glue and little plastic horses as much as we did. They still have to do dioramas, but they don’t revel in them because they’d rather do projects on their fancy-schmancy computers.

This has got to end. That’s why we’ve created a couple of easy to build dioramas that will make the diorama more relevant for today’s kids. Unplug the Play Stations, turn off the iPods and grab the kids, it’s time for some family fun Half Empty style.

1) Paris Hilton’s Adventure
(supplies needed: shoebox, 1 toothpick, 1 marshmallow, 10 pipe cleaners and “Cellmate Barbie”)

Create Paris by inserting toothpick into marshmallow (the marshmallow is her head). Arrange and glue pipe cleaners to form a jail cell. Pose “Cellmate Barbie” behind Paris.

2) Tom Cruise’s 9th Level of Hell
(supples: shoebox, computer, internet access, old antidepressant prescription bottles)

Ok, so you need to go get the computer, sorry. Download cutout of Tom Cruise. Print doll and glue him in the middle of the box. Fill box with empty prescription bottles. Inserting ax wielding Brooke Shields is optional.

3) Heather Mill’s Wind “fall”
(supplies: Piano box, Dancing Barbie Doll, $32,000,000 in cash)

Rip the left leg off the Barbie doll. Paint a cheesy television dance floor set on cardboard. Fill box with cash.

4) Don Imus and Michael Richards job prospects
(supplies: shoebox, nothing else)

5) Robert Downey Jr’s Dresser Drawer
(supplies: shoebox, large amount of white powdery substance like sugar or flour)

Fill entire shoe box with substance.

6) Chicago Cubs World Series Chances
(supplies: orange crepe paper, Styrofoam ball)

Cover inside of box with orange crepe paper, to create an inferno effect. Tape “snowball” to bottom of the box.

If you have any other ideas, email us and we’ll post them. We bet you never knew we were so artistic. By the way, Rick is resting comfortably after slicing his finger off on the Tom Cruise doll.


If you missed any previous Half Empty columns, click here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com

Suburban Man: 21st Century Roadtrips

"21st Century Roadtrips"

By Rick Kaempfer




I have a family of five. When it comes time for vacation, flying is no longer a realistic option. Until last year, I managed to maintain my sanity by confining all of our trips to the four nearest states.

Last year, however, we were invited to visit my aunt and uncle in Georgia.

“You know that means a 14-hour drive in the car, right?” I asked my pleading, begging children.

“Yes!”

“And you won’t complain and whine and give me a 14-hour headache?” I asked.

“No!” they all promised.

I was weak. I consented.


Expert Advice

I called up Spike Manton to get his opinion on the subject. Spike co-wrote a very touching play about the traditional family road rip called “Leaving Iowa.” It’s a subject he has studied for years.

I asked him if this was going to be the nightmare I remembered from the family vacations of my youth.

“Seatbelts have changed everything,” he answered. “From 1945 until 1980, the only thing that changed for the family vacation was the size of the paneling on the station wagon. Today’s kids will never know the insanity of hanging out the back window throwing fruit at the trucker behind you, and then climbing over three seats to ride on Dad’s lap to help him steer, all while traveling 65 mph down the highway. How can you have a real fight in the back seat if you are strapped in place like a hostage?”

“What about technology?” I asked.

“That too,” he said. “DVD players and Gameboys have forever replaced Slug Bug, the License Plate Game, and the Alphabet Game,” he said. “My nephews once arrived at my home at the end of a 16-hour road trip, and stayed in the car for an extra twenty minutes to finish a game on their Gameboy.”

That sounded like the solution for me. Seatbelts and technology were going to save me.



Hitting the Road

I wasn’t thinking about road trips when I opted not to take the DVD option on my minivan a few years ago. Whoops.

Luckily for me, they make portable players now, so I bought one with a big enough monitor for all three kids to see, and placed it in the best viewing location.

Among the other items packed into the minivan for this trip:
*Ten movies
*Three handheld video games (Gameboy DS)
*Three sets of headphones so Dad doesn’t have to hear anything
*A cooler full of drinks and food
*A backpack full of toys, books, and games for each boy
*My sister

I really thought we had everything covered.

We had three boys (ages 10, 7, & 3), and three adults. We had entertainment and food. We left at 3:00 in the morning so that they could sleep for the first three hours.

What could go wrong, right?


The successes

The biggest successes were thanks to two of the items we brought along with us: the DVD player and the headphones.

I highly recommend both of them.

The boys watched two Pokemon movies (which normally would have made my skin crawl), but I didn’t have to hear a thing except for an occasional laugh accompanied by a euphoric “OH MEOWTH! YOU CRACK ME UP!”

That was four hours of bliss.


The mistakes

Mistake #1: The 3:00 AM departure time

This sounded like such a good idea. Unfortunately, the boys were so excited about vacation they didn’t sleep a wink. My three-year-old’s eyes were wide open the whole time. By 9:00 AM, I was the only one who wanted to sleep, and I was driving.


Mistake #2: Most toys/games/activities/books can cause carsickness

Somewhere in the middle of rural Georgia, I looked in the rearview mirror at my unbelievably pale eight-year-old. He was holding his stomach.

“Do you feel OK?” I asked.

“No,” he told me.

My wife sprinted into the backseat with a plastic baggie—but she was moments too late for the first gush. We pulled off at the next exit and added thirty minutes to our trip by cleaning off the seat and his pants, and finding something else for him to wear.


Mistake #3: Not realizing that even potty-trained 3- year-olds won’t “go” at public bathrooms.

On the way home we had to stop for gas about three hours away from home. All three boys were ordered to take care of business at the gas station. The two older boys did as they were told, but the youngster took one look at the bathroom and declared that he didn’t need to.

“Are you absolutely sure?” I asked.

“I’m sure, Dad,” he said.

I gambled that he was telling the truth. We were about an hour away from home when Sean’s stomach pains made him start crying out.

“I have to poop!” he said.

His painful cries let us know there was no way he could make it all the way home, so I pulled off the highway as soon as I could. The only semi-appropriate place near the exit was a Walgreen’s Pharmacy. When my wife and son finally emerged from Walgreen’s twenty minutes later, her annoyed expression told me the whole story.

“He promises he can make it home,” she said through gritted teeth.

“No he can’t,” I said.

“I know,” she conceded. She held up a pull-up diaper. “What do you think?”

It was our only choice. For the next thirty minutes we tried to tune out the grunting, groaning, whining, moaning child determined to prove he could make it home. When his natural cheerfulness suddenly returned, we knew the problem had passed.


Back Home


When we pulled into the driveway, I heaved a sigh of relief. I know it sounds like it was horrible, but I don’t look at it that way. We survived. I consider any trip that involves only one vomit and one #2 emergency a rousing success.

I may even do it again someday.

When I drive my oldest son to college.






(This piece originally appeared in the the May 2007 issue of SHORE Magazine)

Half Empty: Mount Rushmore

They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.




By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern





Let us put men and women together, see which one is smarter,
Some say men, but I say no, women got the men like a puppet show.

It ain’t me it’s the people that say, men are leading women astray,
I say, it’s the women today, smarter than the men in every way,
That’s right the women are smarter, the women are smarter that’s right.

"Men Smart, Women Smarter" by the Grateful Dead


We admit it. Our wives are smarter than us. In fact, we have no problem with it. There is very little downside. We aren’t asked our opinion on important stuff. When the computer is broken we don’t have to fix it. When our kids have homework, they insist on helping.

Sadly, we also have to admit that our sisters are smarter than us too. Both of them graduated Magna Cum Laude, while we graduated Magna Cum Lucky. Both of them were some sort of “dictatorian” in high school. Both of them left high paying jobs in the private sector so they could give back to the community by teaching.

And that’s a problem.

Honestly, we're not jealous of their achievements, and we aren't suffering from an inferiority complex just because our sisters are smarter (and better) than us. In fact, if our mothers didn't point this out at every possible occasion, we wouldn't even notice.

But oh how our mothers notice. Evidently, having a child do something worthwhile is a big deal with them. Who knew? Since we have allowed our sisters a more than 40 year head start, we have to do something big to catch up.

Really big.

We need you to sign this petition:

To: National Park Service, United States Department of the Interior and the United States Congress

We, the undersigned, urge that the likenesses of Richard J. Kaempfer (Resident of Mount Prospect, Illinois) and David F. Stern (Resident of Chicago, Illinois) be carved into Mount Rushmore located in South Dakota immediately. Whereas, we defer to your discretion, we would prefer that Mr. Kaempfer and Mr. Stern be placed to the left of Abraham Lincoln. This is in honor of Mr. Stern’s award winning sixth grade poem entitled, “Honest Abe, He Was Called”

We, the undersigned, feel that Mr. Kaempfer and Mr. Stern would provide perfect company for George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt. Whereas, Mr. Kaempfer or Mr. Stern haven’t technically served as United States President they both have voted in nearly every presidential election since 1984. They also are no strangers to the rigors of the political process having run for Homecoming King (Richard) and Queen (David) at the University of Illinois in 1985.

Finally, the undersigned, urge that upon acceptance of this petition that Mr. Stern’s likeness be carved with a full-head of hair and Mr. Kaempfer’s likeness be carved with a small nose. In a thousand years, who will ever know?

That will surely impress our impossible-to-impress German bred mothers.

We figure we will need approximately 3,000,000 signatures. Currently we have 21. Actually, if you discount us and blood relatives we have 18. Yet, this small grassroots crusade is energized and gaining steam.

Look what some of the undersigned have said;

Ryan Maffett--HECK OF A POEM.... SIXTH GRADE TOO

Mama G Winters--For the love of all that is good, please comply with this simple request!

Michael Caron--All I know is there better be one hell of a dedication ceremony/party if ya know what I mean.

And our favorites:

Big Ron---Zieg Heil!

Osama---What up wit dat???

Please go to Dave & Rick on Mt. Rushmore petition and help us out. If you have the time, please forward it to as many people as you can.

If we do succeed, it will be a victory for all stupid brothers everywhere. Above all, mention it to our mothers every chance you get.



If you missed any of our previous Half Empty columns, click here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com

Suburban Man: MySpace

By Rick Kaempfer


Ever since I announced that my book was coming out, people have been asking me if I have a page on MySpace to promote it. My answer has always been the same: “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

After hearing the question one too many times, however, I started thinking that I was being a snob. How bad could it be? Plus, wouldn’t it be ironic to use Rupert Murdoch’s latest multi-billion dollar purchase to promote a book that satirizes media consolidation?

So, I gave in. Last week I went on MySpace to set up a page.

Now you’d think that someone who could handle all of these blogs would have no difficulty at all with the technical requirements of MySpace, but that’s where you would be wrong. Google does a magnificent job of making these blogs user friendly and easy to handle. MySpace, on the other hand, goes out of its way to make the entire process as difficult as possible.

For instance, in their Frequently Asked Questions tab, they answer the question “How do you change the backgrounds?” this way:

“Anyone who has a basic working knowledge of HTML should be able to help out. Why don’t you look for friends on MySpace to help?”

That's not an answer! You might as well post a picture of Rupert Murdoch extending his middle finger.



I should have bailed out right then and there, but I couldn’t figure out how to delete the entire page, so I labored on. I examined the templates of my blogs, looked for the HTML code that might apply, and against all odds managed to cut and paste enough HTML code to insert a few pictures, a few links, and a video.

After fiddling with it a little, it didn’t even look terrible.

That’s when I ran into the creepiest part of MySpace. If I had known that this next step was the whole point of doing this, I wouldn’t have done it all. Apparently the whole idea of MySpace is to get as many “friends” as you possibly can. You literally have to ask people to be your friends. It just seems so pathetic.

I went through my list of actual friends and came up nearly empty. We’re old. We don’t “MySpace.” If you’re my age, and you’re on MySpace, you’re either a pedophile cruising for underage youngsters, or you work in the media. Luckily, many of my friends still work in the media, so I went on their pages and asked them to be my friends. I rationalized this behavior by telling myself that I hadn’t ever officially asked them to be my friends in real life, so what the heck?

I clicked the button: “Add me to your list of friends.”

Only 17 responded.

About two dozen more of them either don’t want to be my friend anymore because of some unknown slight (and if that’s the case then screw them because who the hell do they think they are treating me that way after all I’ve done for them?)…or, more likely, they don’t bother checking to see who wants to be their friends, and let’s be honest here…that’s not very friendly either.

Someone (sniff) might take that a little personally.

Now I was faced with a real conundrum. What if someone went to my MySpace page and saw that I only had seventeen friends? Seventeen.

“LOSER!”

So I went into panic mode. Think, Kaempfer, think! You must know some young people. I went through my memory banks trying to remember 20-somethings that I know. I could only come up with two: my cousins. They were both shocked to see me on MySpace. Shocked. But they charitably added me anyway.

Now I had a total of 19 friends. Nineteen.

“LOSER!”

I literally couldn’t think of a single name to insert in the search function. As fate would have it, CNN was on in the background, and they were talking about the 2008 presidential race. Seeing this as a sign, I inserted the name Barack Obama.

You may know him for his years in the Senate, or his campaign for the Presidency, but to me, he’ll always be my twentieth friend. Likewise, I’m sure he will always consider me his 153,498th friend on his 3835th page of friends. Either that, or the friend pictured next to Gerard the donkey.


Sigh.

The next day I read the story about Obama retaking his MySpace page from a mere fan. It turns out I wasn't added by Obama at all...just an Obama fan.

Sigh.

I wasn’t a happy camper. The next time I checked my e-mail, however, I suddenly had offers from a dozen more people asking me to be their friends. I excitedly clicked on their pictures to see who they were.

All of them were scantily clad females more than twenty years younger than me—and I may be out of line for saying this—but my guess is that Kayla and Portia and Bambi are not really looking to be my friend. Even so, I still felt guilty rejecting them. It just sounded so harsh. I had to click on a button that said: I DENY YOU THE RIGHT TO BE MY FRIEND!

I’ve never done that to anyone in my life. Well, at least not since that kid on the school bus who flicked me with his finger every time he walked by. Kayla, Portia, and Bambi never did anything to cause red welts on my forehead, and yet, here I was…publicly rejecting them just because they’re a front for a porno company looking for creepy 43-year-old married guys.

Sigh.

Anyway, this is my long, drawn-out, and more than slightly pathetic way of asking if you’re interested in helping an old guy crack the triple-digit mark of “friends” at http://www.myspace.com/rickkaempfer . I sure would appreciate it. I promise I’ll be your friend too…

Unless you’re a scantily clad 20-something woman.

Please forgive me, Portia, Kayla and Bambi.

Chicago Radio Spotlight: John Records Landecker interviews Rick Kaempfer

This week, the tables are turned. Instead of interviewing a radio personality, a radio personality is interviewing me. The focus of the interview is my first novel, "$everance," available now at www.encpress.com. John Landecker got an advance copy of the book to conduct the following interview, which originally appeared in the April issue of SHORE Magazine.



By John Landecker


I’ve been on the radio in Chicago for quite awhile, so when I heard about this new novel ($everance on ENC Press) that satirizes the broadcasting business from the point of view of a Chicago radio personality, I knew I had to get my hands on it. The fact that it’s written by Richard Kaempfer, the executive producer of my morning show in the 1990s, made me want to see it even more.

Of course, Richard is his fancy author name. I’ve always known him as Rick, and as long as I’ve known him he’s been using his sarcastic wit to write some pretty hilarious topical satire. In this book, he takes on the business that employed him for twenty years—the media. I finally got a chance to sit down and talk to him about $everance recently.


John: Full disclosure. We worked together most of the 1990s.

Rick: That’s true.

John: And during those years, broadcasting as we know it, went through some radical changes.

Rick: I’ll say.

John: It’s my guess that those radical changes, combined with your sense of humor, and your sarcastic disgust for life…

Rick: (laughs loudly) Wow, that’s harsh.

John: (laughing too) …have led to this cutting critique of broadcasting morality called $everance.

Rick: You could say that. It’s about a Chicago morning disc jockey who is trying to get fired so that he can collect his severance.

John: But this campaign for his severance starts out as a joke—tongue in cheek, doesn’t it?

Rick: Well…sure…but that’s only because the morning host doesn’t have any weapons. The boss has all the power. That’s why everything the host says is said sarcastically. On the surface his words are positive, but the boss knows their actual meaning—he just can’t prove it. It’s classic passive-aggressive warfare.

John: Aha! I knew something was familiar about this character…

Rick: He knows if he says anything overtly insubordinate, he can be fired for cause.

John: OK, what is this company he works for?

Rick: A Megamedia giant.

John: And why does he want to be fired?

Rick: It’s a mutual feeling. The company wants him gone too, because they have to meet their unrealistic corporate goals. They want a cheaper morning show, but if they fire him, they’ll have to pay his severance. So, they try to make him as miserable as he can possibly be—to make him quit. It becomes a battle of wills—the creative morning guy against the corporate Megamedia giant…both of them strongly motivated, neither of them willing to budge.

John: Now people will read this and think…that doesn’t happen.

Rick: It happens every single day.

John: It does. It didn’t happen to me here in Chicago, but it happened to me in another city I was doing mornings, and the station really did go out of it’s way to literally make me as miserable as possible so that I would get discouraged and quit, which would have relieved them of having to pay what they owed me. What you’re writing about is based absolutely in fact.

Rick: Yes, that’s true. And I think it’s not exclusive to the broadcasting business. Anyone who deals with corporations has dealt with this, especially people working for corporations in industries that have recently been deregulated. Once an industry is deregulated, there are mergers after mergers after mergers, and soon just a few companies or corporations own the entire industry. When that happens, the employees have no choice—no alternative—no power. They can’t go to another employer in their industry, because there aren’t any. So sometimes the battle comes down to this: ‘All I have left is my severance, and I’ll be damned if I’m going to give that up too.’

John: So in your story they are trying to make him quit. What does he do about it?

Rick: He sends an e-mail to the CEO of the corporation sarcastically telling him ways that the company can be even greedier. He thinks that this will so infuriate the boss, he will immediately fire him.


John: Tell them what the e-mail says, because that’s my favorite part.

Rick: His main suggestion is getting rid of every single person who doesn’t bring in money to the corporation—he calls them the revenue drainers—and keeping only the salesmen, or the revenue attainers. Oh, and he also recommends hiring armed security guards to watch over the office supplies.

John: (laughs) And ironically enough…what does management do with this e-mail?

Rick: They consider him a financial genius and name him the COO of the company. He still wants to get fired, of course, but in order to get fired now-- he has to make the stock price go down. So he spends the rest of the novel trying to make that happen.

John: Which is the irony of the whole thing…

Rick: The hard part for me was satirizing the business in a way that was more ridiculous than real life, because the business has really gotten ridiculous. There are six corporations that control all the information and entertainment we receive through the broadcast media, and virtually every decision they make is made with only one consideration: money. No other considerations come into play at all. But what makes this industry different from other industries is that they are supposedly entrusted with informing the electorate, and that’s one area they do a really bad job right now.

John: One of the other points of $everance has to do with the conservative and/or liberal slant of talk radio and cable news. Talk about that a little.

Rick: Right. Well, in my opinion there were two decisions made in the last twenty years that are responsible for the transformation of the media into what it is today. The Telecommunications Act of 1996, which Bill Clinton signed, allowed for this massive media buying frenzy—and let six corporations own everything. Before that bill was signed, Clear Channel owned 43 radio stations. Now they own 1200.

John: Wow.

Rick: The other decision was made in 1987 by Ronald Reagan’s FCC. They eliminated the Fairness Doctrine. Before 1987, equal time had to be given for differing political points of view. You could spout all you wanted, but you had to allow the other side to spout too. Now it’s all one-sided spouting and people don’t have to listen to both sides, they can just hear what they want to hear. In my opinion that’s directly responsible for the polarizing of the country. You don’t have to give the other side any credit at all if you don’t even know what they’re saying.

John: As the sarcasm seeps through the pages in your writing, I notice that you seem to imply that the political viewpoint, whether it’s conservative or liberal, doesn’t really matter to the company. They can own both kinds of media outlets…as long as they make money.

Rick: They can and they do. Look at Rupert Murdoch, for instance. He owns the Fox News Network, which is undeniably conservative, but he also owns media businesses in Communist China—which aren’t exactly conservative, to say the least. He also came up with the idea of having naked women in the newspapers in England.

John: Are you saying conservatives don’t like naked women?

Rick: (laughs) I’m saying that’s not exactly a conservative idea. And the same is true of the so-called liberal networks. They may have a liberal slant, but they are consumed with maximizing profits, and that’s not exactly the most liberal of philosophies. When you meet these media CEOs, and I’ve read about all of them extensively and met a few of them in person, you realize very quickly that they aren’t partisans. They aren’t ideologues.

John: They’re not even broadcasters.

Rick: Not at all! They’re businessmen. They’re CEOs. They are just like every other CEO.

John: And they’re not interested in viewers or listeners, they’re interested in one thing, and one thing only…

Rick: The stock price.

John: Can you tell that Rick and I have talked about this a few times before?

Rick: Everyone in the business talks about it.

John: But the thing that’s wild about it, and sure we’ve kvetched about it for years, but you actually did something about it. You wrote a book. And I obviously think it’s a great, funny, sarcastic, entertaining, and thought provoking book too—that really shows how broadcasting has changed over the last few years. And you actually got somebody to publish it! Who is this publisher?

Rick: They’re a boutique NY publisher named ENC Press, and they specialize in controversial satires like this. You should check out their website at www.encpress.com. ENC stands for Emperor’s New Clothes. You can buy $everance right there on their website.

John: It’s going to be very interesting to see who picks up on this book, and whether or not they invite you on their shows to tell this story.

Rick: Well, if the thesis of my book is correct…

John: I love it when you use the word thesis.

Rick: (laughs) If the thesis of my book is correct, they will have me on because they aren’t really concerned about a political agenda.

John: And you’re attacking all political agendas by the way…very even handed. It’s not about agenda, it’s about profit.

Rick: That’s right. If you check out the hardcore right wing blogs or the hardcore left wing blogs they read all sorts of political motivations into the actions of these companies. Let me tell you as someone who worked for them for twenty years, that’s just not true. Both sides are wrong about that. The motivation of these companies couldn’t be easier to figure out. It’s always the same. Always.

John: And people might recognize some of the personalities in this book too.

Rick: They might. But they aren’t necessarily real people—they’re composites of real people.

John: And it’s funny.

Rick: Thanks, I appreciate that. That’s the most important thing I was trying to accomplish. It’s not a downer of a book at all. It does have a very hopeful message and offers a way to solve some of the problems of the modern day media.

John: Which are…

Rick: People will have to read the book to find that out.

John: I do have one complaint, though.

Rick: What’s that?

John: There aren’t any sex scenes.

Rick: (laughs)

John: You expect the people of this country to buy a book with no sex scenes!

Rick: If it weren’t for you, they wouldn’t have known!

John: Maybe in the next book?

Rick: You got it.

John: I see movie rights down on the road on this one. Great job.

Rick: Thanks.





Richard Kaempfer’s novel $everance is available at www.encpress.com. (Listen to an audio preview. Watch a video preview. ) For more information about the author, check out his website at www.rickkaempfer.com, and his daily humor and media blog at rickkaempfer.blogspot.com.






John Records Landecker is currently the afternoon host at 94.7 Real Oldies in Chicago. After his legendary stints at WIBG in Philadelphia in the 60s, WLS in Chicago in the 70s and 80s, CFTR in Toronto in 80s, and WJMK in the 90s, he was honored by the radio wing of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland for his contributions to the industry.

Celebrity Snippets: Dennis Hopper

Once a week long-time radio producer and author Rick Kaempfer shares his favorite brushes with greatness in a feature he calls “Celebrity Snippets.”






Dennis Hopper is an iconic film actor. He is celebrating his 71st birthday this week.






By Rick Kaempfer

One of the first big movie stars I booked to appear on the Steve & Garry show was Dennis Hopper. This was during his BlueVelvet/Hoosiers era, when he was one of the hottest stars in Hollywood.

It took quite a bit of convincing to get him on the show, because his schedule was booked solid with television and print interviews. The local PR firm handling his media tour finally succumbed to my begging.

“OK,” the PR guy said. “But you’ve only got him for fifteen minutes. Not one second longer, because we have to get him over to the TV stations.”

“Of course,” I agreed.

In my own defense, I honestly had no idea that I was promising something beyond my ability to control.

“We’ve only got him for fifteen minutes,” I told Steve. He laughed.

When Hopper and the PR man arrived, I whisked Hopper directly into the studio so that we could maximize our short amount of time. The PR man came into the studio with me.

“Fifteen minutes, right?” he asked sternly.

“Of course,” I agreed.

At the ten minute mark, Hopper was telling great stories about his eight day marriage to Michelle Phillips. Steve and Garry were spellbound.

At the twelve minute mark, the PR guy started pointing to the clock. “Be sure to tell them to wrap it up.”

“I can’t do that from here,” I said. “It’ll have to wait until the commercial break. I’m sure they’ll wrap it up any second.”

At the fifteen minute mark, Hopper was telling a great story about Natalie Wood. When the story ended, I got up to walk toward the door, thinking it was over. That’s when Steve started asking him about his days hanging out with James Dean. It was obvious that there was no way this conversation would be ending anytime soon.

“Go in there and tell him to end the interview,” the PR guy said.

“It’s out of my hands,” I explained.

“But you promised that we would be out in fifteen minutes. We have to get to the TV stations.”

He was doing his best to scare me, but nothing he could say or do could scare me more than the prospect of Steve’s reaction to my ending the interview. I was mute. At the twenty minute mark, I looked over at the PR guy, and could see the veins sticking out in his neck. He kept looking at his watch over and over again, sighing, pacing, and tapping his foot.

At the thirty minute mark, he blurted. “I’m going in there.”

“No you can’t do that,” I said, blocking his way.

That’s when Steve mentioned to Dennis Hopper on the air that they had gone over their fifteen minute allotment.

“Oh,” Hopper said. “Is that it?”

“No,” Steve said. “I’m not letting you leave. We have more people listening to this show than those TV stations have watching theirs. I’m doing this for you.”

“Whatever you say,” Hopper replied, ever the friendly guest.

I thought the PR guy was going to have an aneurysm. He got on the phone and called the next interviewer up, saying some not-so-nice things about Steve & Garry. After he hung up the phone, he said to me: “You know-- you’re not making a very good impression on me here.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I’m sorry,” I said. “If there was anything I could do, I would.”

Steve finally ended the interview a few minutes later. The PR guy grabbed Hopper and whisked him to the next interview without even saying goodbye.

Over the next fifteen years or so I saw that same PR guy (who I’m intentionally not naming for his sake) dozens of times, and every time I saw him he mentioned that first time we met. He is still doing publicity in Chicago, in fact he’s one of the most prominent PR men in town, but to his credit, he never held this Dennis Hopper incident against me when it came to booking future guests. In time, he even came to trust me again.

As for the interview itself, I really had no idea how it went until I replayed it during the Best of Steve & Garry a few years later. It’s just the postscript to this story, but I must say, once I could listen to it without an angry face staring at me, I really enjoyed it. I consider it to be one of the best interviews that Steve and Garry ever did.




For hundreds of additional celebrity and radio stories, check out my book "The Radio Producer's Handbook," which is still available at Amazon, and Barnes & Noble.





If you missed any of the previous Celebrity Snippets, click here: http://celebritysnippets.blogspot.com

Half Empty: The American Dream

They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.





By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern









What is the American dream? If you work hard, and go the extra mile, your loyalty and diligence will be rewarded.

Sounds great, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately, in this largely unregulated free market era, nearly every industry has become dominated by huge corporations. Once you work for one of these soulless, faceless giants, the American dream doesn’t really apply anymore.

People can reward loyalty, diligence and hard work; corporations cannot. To a corporation, a worker is an expense. When it’s time to cut expenses, (and it will always eventually be time to cut expenses), loyalty, diligence and hard work rarely enter the equation. This is why Wall Street gets a boner when a corporation announces mass layoffs. Bye, bye expenses.

It’s nothing personal. It’s just business.

The person who rises to the top of this sort of business has to be cold, calculating, and detached in order to maximize profits. He must see the worker as a meaningless cog. A number. A part of the financial equation. No more. No less.

The boss’ job is to get maximum output from his overworked employees without raising expenses. The only way this can work is to have a bunch of people playing by the old rules, not realizing they no longer exist. By the time they figure it out, the boss has achieved his goals, and the employee can be replaced by someone else who hasn’t figured it out yet.

So what is a meaningless cog to do?

The way we see it, you really only have 3 options.

1) Keep banging your head into the wall expecting the old rules of the American dream to suddenly re-emerge. (Good luck with that approach)
2) Become one of the cold, calculating people that can rise to the top of the current system.
3) Spend your time making the people that do rise to the top as miserable as humanly possible.

More and more meaningless cogs want to opt for option #3 simply because option #1 doesn’t work, and option #2 is really rolling the dice with a potential afterlife destination.

Unfortunately, Option #3 is quite the high wire act. The level of difficulty has scared off more than a few employees. Everyone makes the same mistake. They look down. Don't look down. It's just a high wire. You can walk across that thing. You've done it a million times without even realizing it.

If you can implement a very sophisticated passive-aggressive arsenal, and you can manage to keep a straight face amidst a simmering red-faced boss—-buckle up for a high unlike any high you’ve (legally) experienced before.

Your good friends at Half Empty are here to help you develop some strategies, and overcome your fears. Come on out on the high wire. There's room for all of us.

Who should you target?

While it sure would be great to target your company’s CEO…he’s beyond your reach. If you go on the high wire outside his ivory tower, he'll just push you off. He does that sort of thing for fun. And when you fall from that kind of a height, you may never recover.

The local boss, however, is fair game. He has chosen Option #2 because he wants to become one of those untouchable guys in the ivory tower. It’s his goal. His weakness is that he isn't there yet...and his high wire is only a few feet off the ground.


How do you target him or her?

Here are a few hints to make your day more fun.

*Praise his rivals

Are there other Vice Presidents at the company on the same level as your boss? Start praising them every chance you get. Here are a few sample options. Feel free to customize them for your use.
1) “Boy that Dick Smith sure knows how to maximize those revenues. They must love him at corporate headquarters.”
2) “Have you seen Dick Smith’s house? Wow! Now, that’s a palace.”
3) “I was just talking to Gladys in Dick Smith’s department. I can’t believe the CEO calls him so often just to say hello.”

See how this works? You can’t possibly be fired for talking up another VP. You’re all on the same team, remember? You aren’t criticizing your boss—you’re complimenting a valued co-worker. How petty can your boss get? I sure hope Dick Smith or his good friend the CEO don’t hear about this firing.

*Call every woman in the office by his ex-wife’s name

And slap your head every time. “Sorry—I don’t know what is wrong with me. I apologize.” What if he doesn’t have an ex-wife? Please. They all have ex-wives. If by some miracle they don’t, then use the name of his secret mistress. (C’mon—that’s common office gossip knowledge, isn’t it?) If you’re worried about offending the other women in the office, simply tell them what you’re doing. You’ll probably find that they'll happily allow you to call them “Myrna,” once they know why. They’ve been looking for a way to enact Option #3 themselves. It’s win-win.

*Live up to the letter of the most ridiculous office policies

If you work in any industry that requires certain safety procedures, you’re golden. You know they don’t really want you to follow those rules—they just created them to legally cover their butts. See what happens when you really do it. If you don’t work in an industry like that, you still have options. Have your employee handbook on your person at all times, and open it to the page in question when the boss violates nitpicky company rules (“Hmmm, now where is that inappropriate office language section? Hmmm, now where did I read that part about personal phone calls? Hmmm, now where is that section about using the postage meter for personal correspondence?”)

*Baked goods

In a corporate environment there is always one or two suck ups that buy baked goods for the office. Somehow they think spending $4.70 on a dozen donuts will get them that big promotion. Use this to your advantage. Find out which donut your boss likes best and grab it before he does. Make sure you tell the suck up how delicious that pastry was within ear shot of the boss. He can't fire you for eating a strawberry bismark, now can he?

*Parking debris

If you work for one of those companies that reward their incompetent middle management with special parking spaces, you're in luck. Simply leave debris in their space before they arrive. Since, most of these schlubs don't get in until 10:00 AM this shouldn't be too difficult. Broken bottles, dead cats and hobos work best.

*Fake voicemails

In most offices there is one guy that can do a spot on impersonation of the CEO. Have him leave your boss a bogus voicemail at 4:40 on Friday afternoon. Somethinglike, "I'll need that Billingley report first thing Monday morning, and it better be complete". Your boss will spend the whole weekend trying to figure out who Billingsley is.



Think about it. How will your boss' boss react when he fires you for following or enforcing company rules?

Those are just a few to get you started.

If you’re a fellow Option #3er, we’d love to hear some of your suggestions, too. Send them via e-mail (anonymously is fine), and we’ll feature some of your ideas in a later column.

Remember, if you’re going to get fired anyway, you might as well get fired for something ridiculous like being too complimentary of coworkers, or being too much of a stickler for enforcing corporate rules.

That's the new American dream.








If you really want to see these techniques taken to their logical extreme, you’ll want to pick up a copy of Rick’s novel at www.encpress.com. The lead character (Zagorski) is the all-time king of the passive-aggressive irritators.






If you missed any previous Half Empty columns, click here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com

Suburban Man: Mother's Day Rap

When I was still working on the radio, my boys provided a constant stream of material. Every year on Mother's Day, we would go into the studio and produce an audio present for Bridget.

This one was probably my favorite Mother's Day present for Bridget. One long-time fan/listener of the show said it was her favorite bit we did in the ten years of the John Landecker Show on WJMK. It's a rap song starring all three boys. Tommy was seven. Johnny was five. Sean was nine months old. All three can be heard on this hilarious recording. Thank you to Vince Argento for his production magic (and artwork).

A few words of explanation: The words Johnny says in the song ("Allerticott" and "Baga") are Johnny's made up words--inside family jokes. He said them in fits of anger (allerticott) and for comedy purposes (baga).


Click on this link to listen to the song: Mother's Day Rap

It's short, less than a minute long.

This year with no studio, no production director, and no rap music library, we'll probably get her some flowers.



If you missed any previous Suburban Man columns, click here: http://suburbanmanarchive.blogspot.com

Celebrity Snippets: George Carlin

Once a week long-time radio producer and author Rick Kaempfer shares his favorite brushes with greatness in a feature he calls “Celebrity Snippets.”




George Carlin is one of the most successful comedians of all time. He has done more comedy specials on television (mostly for HBO) than any other comedian in history, and has appeared in countless films and television shows. Ironically, my kids know him as the narrator of Shining Time Station on PBS, and the voice of "Fillmore" in the movie "Cars." This week he turns 70 years old.


By Rick Kaempfer


President Bush takes a lot of heat for accusing his opponents of “Pre-9/11” thinking. I never thought I would be writing these words, but I feel I must defend President Bush. Pre-9-11 thinking does exist, and it can have a detrimental effect...especially in the world of comedy.

My story involves comedian George Carlin.

I’ve always considered him on the finest comedians that ever lived. He is courageous, utterly unafraid of saying what he really thinks, and has been consistently funny for five decades now.

When we had him on the John Landecker show, I was not disappointed. He came into the studio with guns blazing, trying out brand new material that he hoped to include in his upcoming HBO Special.

The tentative name of the special at the time? “I kind of like it when a lot of people die.”

The date of his appearance on our show? September 4, 2001.

His routine was shocking even then (in a pre-9/11 world), but it was laugh out loud funny. We were holding our sides as he recounted the way he cheers when stupid people die doing stupid things and how he roots that they take down as many stupid people as possible with them.

Landecker and Carlin began riffing about stupid ways for people to die, and after the hilarious segment was over, George asked if he could have a tape of it so that he could use some of the material in his special.

Our station management thought it was such a funny interview, they submitted the tape for that year’s Achievement in Radio Awards. The tape went into the mail on September 9, 2001.

Needless to say, we weren’t nominated that year.

When Carlin’s special eventually did come out on HBO, it had a brand new name. It was called “Complaints and Grievances.”

Not quite as catchy, is it?

Timing is everything.





For hundreds of additional celebrity and radio stories, check out my book "The Radio Producer's Handbook," which is still available at Amazon, and Barnes & Noble.





If you missed any of the previous Celebrity Snippets, click here: http://celebritysnippets.blogspot.com

Suburban Man: Premature Jubilation

By Rick Kaempfer



My first novel, $everance, went to press yesterday. At the age of 43, I'm finally achieving my lifelong dream of becoming a published novelist.

How does it feel?

Well, I've discovered that the process of becoming a published novelist is really a series of premature celebrations. By my most recent count, I've celebrated the end of the process eleven times already-and my book isn't even out yet.

All of the following celebrations turned out to be a tad premature:

1. I celebrated when I figured out a way to weave my complicated plot together. I just knew it was all downhill from there. This book was going to write itself.

2. I celebrated when I finished my first draft. Six solid months of working on the manuscript every day-it was certainly all but over.

3. I celebrated when I finished my second draft-which I considered to be perfect. I just knew that I wouldn't have to change another thing.

4. I celebrated when I found a publisher. Granted, the publisher required a few minor plot changes-but that wouldn't be a big problem. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

5. I celebrated when I figured out how to implement her changes. All I had to do was rewrite the second half of the book. Surely that wasn't going to take too long. I knew these characters like the back of my hand. It was all but over.

6. I celebrated three months later when I finally finished writing the third draft. I clinked glasses with my wife right after I hit the send button on the email.

7. I celebrated again when my publisher emailed me a few weeks later, saying she was proud of me for pulling it off-and she was sending me a contract. That was it. It was all over.

8. I celebrated again after I signed the contract. Finally!

9. I celebrated again after she sent me the artwork for the cover. Now it seemed real. There, on a stylishly designed cover, was my name (with the more author-sounding first name "Richard," instead of "Rick") in big block letters. Clink!

10. I celebrated again after the editor sent me the final line-edits. This wasn't going to take long to whip into shape, and then we were ready to go.

11. I celebrated again when I finished those final edits, and got them approved. Okay, now it's time to break out that bottle of champagne we've been saving.

Of course, I still don't have a hard copy of the book. That will be premature celebration #12. I still haven't scheduled my book tour (#13). I still haven't seen my book on a bookshelf in a bookstore (#14), and I still haven't sold a single copy of my book, although I understand a few have been pre-ordered (#15).

I must admit that I feel a little more sheepish with each successive celebration, but I just can't help myself. I'm not just the boy who cried wolf-I'm the boy who cried wolf fifteen times . . . and counting.

When the true moment of celebration comes, my friends and family will think it's another false alarm, and I'll probably have to celebrate alone.

If you really think about it, though, wouldn't that be the most appropriate celebration of all? Writing is, after all, a totally solitary experience. Shouldn't someone who works by himself, celebrate by himself? If you look at it that way, my first solitary celebration will be my first truly appropriate celebration.

Which, of course, calls for a celebration.

Don't worry. I plan on checking into rehab as soon as the book tour ends.



This article first appeared in Shore Magazine (www.visitshoremagazine.com)


This is the Promotional Video for $everance.

If you missed any previous Suburban Man columns, click here: http://suburbanmanarchive.blogspot.com

Chicago Radio Spotlight: Jeff Hoover

Once a week, I talk to a current or former Chicago radio personality for a feature I call: Chicago Radio Spotlight.







Jeff Hoover made his name in Chicago radio as one of the hilarious writer/performers of Jonathon Brandmeier's show in the 90s. He is now one of the producers of the highly rated WGN Morning News on Channel 9 in Chicago. A show Hoover helped produce for WGN-TV in 2005, "Bozo, Gar & Ray: WGN TV Classics," won three Telly Awards in entertainment, variety and documentary categories.




RADIO-OGRAPHY

News/Talk 1400 WSJM & Magic 107 WIRX (St. Joseph-Benton Harbor) A Mid-West Family Broadcasting Station is very approximate - I would say it was probably 1984 - 1988

Jonathon Brandmeier Showgram WLUP/AM1000/WCKG 105.9FM. I was a contributor from '93 to '95 and hired as a creative producer in 1996 to 2001

Was a free-lance producer in 2002, and joined WGN Morning News as a producer in 2003.




Rick: I know you got your radio start in your hometown of St. Joe's in Michigan. Tell us a story or two about what it's like working at a small market station like that--compared to working in a market like Chicago.

Hoover: I worked at WSJM/WIRX during my summer breaks from attending Business School at Western Michigan University. I had a sweet lisp back then. I must have picked it from doing too much musical theater in high school. Anyway, the station tag line was "the Spirit of the Southwest." I have the airchecks and if you heard them, you'd swear that it was Garry Meier doing one of his Cliff Mansavage bits. We played soft rock music on reel-to-reels and I would read the weather forecast, blood drive information and let the elderly know what parking lot the Bookmobile was going to visit next.

Yes, I saved many lives in those days.

Rick: You made your name in town as a writer/performer on the Johnny B Showgram. How did you get your foot in the door there?

Hoover: First of all, I was (and still am) an avid fan of Johnny's for many years before I ever worked for him. I could hear the Loop on my boom box in Michigan.

Anyway, I moved to Chicago in 1991 and didn't get the idea to call in to his show until he had a Jerry Lewis impersonation contest in 1993. Johnny had tickets to see Jerry at the Drury Lane in Oakbrook. I was working at a marketing company and heard this and thought this was my chance to play. I asked the HR manager if I could use her office for a minute and closed the door and made the call. I had never tried to say anything more than "LADY" in the Jerry voice so I was nervous and anxious. Luckily, some of the Second City improv training kicked in when it came to my turn. After riffing about my colostomy bag looking like a Steakum, I won the tickets. Now, this is going to sound really dorky, but the greatest feeling during that first call was making Johnny laugh. I still have the tape and it is great to hear Johnny, Buzz and Robin together. And, to this day, the best thing that I can ever hope to do, is to make people laugh. Jesus, I really sound like Jerry Lewis now.

Since that day, anytime Jerry Lewis came up in the news, they would call me and see if Jerry was available. Soon, they'd call for Jerry even if he wasn't in the news. I was invited to remote broadcasts, too.



(I even got to sit on stage next to Andy the Clown and Jack Brickhouse at the Danny Bonaduce/Donny Osmond fight. One of them smelled like pee.)




One day, I thought that I should try and see if I could work on the show full-time. It was a long shot, but why not. I called his office and spoke with his Executive Producer, Carol "Lamb Lady" Harmon. She advised me that she didn't think that there was any position open at the time, but if I was serious, I should approach it like it was a business. Johnny is "just having fun" on the air, but off the air, he is a solid businessman. I sent a cover letter and resume. A few days later, he sent me a handwritten note on his letterhead that said "Timing is everything!"

Several months later, we talked on the phone. I decided to dump the suit and tie and 401K and get up at 2am to work for the funniest man in radio. My first day there, I was on the air doing a bit as James Mason in Hell. That was huge for me because Johnny hired me on nothing but my Jerry impression, Second City skills, marketing degree, and I was hungry. Johnny gave me my break to go nuts and drive the clown car.

Rick: Pretty soon you were doing all kinds of voices. You also did Bobby Brown, Bob Hope, Christopher Walken and many, many others. Have you always had a knack for mimickry, and has that gotten you in trouble over the years?

Hoover: First of all, you should know that I was a fat kid with a soup bowl haircut who circled the new Saturday Morning Cartoons that I planned to watch each Fall out of the TV Guide. I watched all of the old Abbott & Costello movies and the classic kids' shows on Channel 9. I watched Svengoolie and The Three Stooges. I watched so much television, my eyes were shaped like rectangles. So, I guess you could say that I was like a Mynah bird soaking in the sounds in front of the TV.

I never really got into trouble doing the voices. But, I did fool some "celebs" into thinking they were talking to Jerry Lewis (Bruce Willis, Bea Arthur, Charlie Daniels, Carol Channing, The Smothers Brothers, etc.)

I only felt bad one time. There was a story of this retired couple that live in Mud Lake, Minnesota and they were battling the city officials because they wanted to change the name of the lake from Mud Lake to Golden Pond, which happened to be their favorite movie. So, Johnny calls them up as Katharine Hepburn's caregiver and I am on the phone as Katie. The husband bought it, even though I was working a tad blue. Katie said that she would come and visit and help their campaign. Johnny was saying that I needed a parachute harness to be lifted around and Katie was saying that her diet consists of eating toothpaste and she wanted to bring her 37 cats, etc. They were excited. They were even contacted by their local CBS television news station and arranged for an interview with Katie.

We did the interview with the reporter and they all bought into it. Well, some listener ended up calling them and told them that Katie was a fake. Unfortunately, we didn't realize this until Johnny called them up to hear the audio from the television interview. The wife answered the phone and told us how ashamed we should be, especially since her brother had died during all of the excitement of Miss Hepburn's visit. The husband knew days earlier but didn't want to spoil things. Oopsy daisey.

Rick: Those aren't the only people you offended. I'm German, pal, and we weren't too thrilled with your Wilhelm the Stormtrooper character either.


Hoover: (laughs) I know nuthzing! The Stormtroopers were born out of the "mass firings" that were happening at the Loop when it was bought by the Mormons (Bonneville) and we suddenly became "the Best Music on the Planet." (Turns out that listeners didn't want to live on a planet where the song "Breakfast at Tiffany's" is played every quarter hour either.)

Wilhelm and Helmut (very funny Showgram Player Brendan Sullivan) would interrogate various people and fire them. We played it safe like "Hogan's Heroes." Johnny played audio of jackboots marching up and down the hallway. It was all fun and games until we started making bar appearances and some schweinhund sales guy booked us at a place in Skokie. Hello? Is this mic on?


Rick: How did it work on Brandmeier's show? Did you and Brendan come up with ideas and pitch them to Johnny or did he come to you guys and say..."Hey, I need Jerry Lewis to call Charo!"...or was it a little of both?

Brendan (photo) was there before me. He was actually one of the writers that worked on Johnny's television show. Johnny liked his stuff and hired him to work on the radio show. He was a one-man band. Jimmy Mac was doing the wacky edits and Artie Kennedy was doing Mike Tyson and showing off his dead-on Demi Moore pregnant pose. But, Brendan was alone in the creative department. When I came onboard, it could have been very awkward or competitive, but we clicked very well and we knew right away that the best way to get the job done was to work together and bounce ideas off one another as a team. Some ideas were Johnny's and some were ours. It didn't matter as long as it was funny. As Johnny would say, bake the cake, find the meat, keep your head down and stay focused. Johnny likes to keep it real. Real is funny. A guy who invented a machine that sucks up prairie dogs is more entertaining than the best comedian or biggest star in his mind. That's the meat to him. The rest is frosting. So, frost the meat. Huh? Nevermind.

Rick: After the Johnny B show ended at WCKG, you had a hard time finding something else in Chicago radio. I tried to convince my bosses at the time to hire you and they just didn't have it in the budget. Do you think that says something about the kind of radio being done now in Chicago, or was it just one of those cases of bad timing?

Hoover: I think some radio people didn't know what to do with me. Hell, I had Johnny's hand comfortably up my puppet pooper so long, I think that most Chicago radio shows didn't know what else I could do. So, I sent out my resume and tape to other dream job long shots like Letterman and Conan.

The only callback I received was from the producer of The Howard Stern Show. Gary Dell'Abate (photo) said that Howard loved my stuff and wanted to know how I worked. It was perfect timing because Jackie the Jokeman had left in a huff over money and they were looking at rotating in different comedians, writers, voice guys, etc. The Labor Day Telethon was a week away so I suggested that we try a "Jerry Lewis" bit with Howard and see what happens from there. We did it. It went great and even nominated for an F Emmy later that year.

However, I think Gary probably saw me as a threat since I did more than write bits and do voices. I booked some guests and came up with giveaway ideas, too. So, I sat around drinking way too much coffee in the morning and started watching WGN Morning News. It was like a great radio show ensemble, but on television. Me likey.

Rick: I know you're too modest to admit this, but you've really made your mark on the WGN Morning News. This is just my personal opinion, but I think that show took it to another level when you came aboard. Tell us a little bit about what you do on the show.

Hoover: Wowie-wow-wow. That is way too kind. This show was fast, fun and funny before I ever showed up here. In my opinion, no other station in town can pull off what the talent does on this show. I fell in love all over again watching this show. I never thought there could possibly be anything close to the experience I had with Brandmeier. I was wrong.

One moment, Larry Potash is doing a hard news story about Iraq and by the time the next Victory Auto Wreckers commercial is on, he is up on the desk doing the Fred Sanford shuffle. He's the only anchor in town that can pull that off. Although I think I saw Ron Magers do the Macarena once.

So, I started emailing and leaving goofy voicemails. They started using my ideas and playing my messages. After several months, Larry said that he wanted to try and get me an interview with the news director. It was a perfect opportunity to show that the skills I had learned working in radio were transferable in many ways to producing for television. Breaking the sameness barrier is important. Finding ways to do old things and make them new again. I think that the one thing we do better than anyone else is to be real people. No fake small talk tosses to weather and traffic. They are quick to break each others hump and aren't afraid to let viewers see all of the wheels come off the show. I also believe that between Larry, Robin Baumgarten, Paul Konrad, Ana Belaval, Dean Richards, Pat Tomasulo and Valerie Warner, we have the best morning news team in town, and it's reflected in the show's ratings.

Granted, our show is not for everyone. But, hopefully Sam Zell likes it.

Rick: Talk about the differences between working in radio and television.

Hoover: Radio is more spontaneous. To appear to be spontaneous on television sometimes requires 29 people to know what you are going to do ahead of time. But that is also why television is more exciting. Everything is there to be seen and there is so much more that can go wrong. And some of the best stuff happens by accident.


Rick: Tell us the dirty dark secrets about Paul, Larry and Robin.

Hoover: Well, it's not that dirty or dark, but it's stuff you probably wouldn't guess about them.

Paul Konrad is one of the most naturally funny men I have ever worked with in my life. He is quick-witted and his sense of humor is effortless. What you don't know is that in our post-show meetings, he actually has a great news brain. He offers a lot of suggestions in the meetings about newsmakers and story angles that we might have missed. He also has a third testical under his left armpit.

Larry Potash is the best all around talent in television morning news. He can do it all. He can hold down the fort and find the funny in the same breath. What you don't know is that he is a workaholic. He works late after the show and from home. He also works during his sleep which is also when we are on the air.


Robin Baumgarten is the real deal. She is South Side. She likes to knock back a few beers and smoke a heater. She's not afraid to speak her mind. She kinda reminds me of my Dad when I'd have my friends over to the house and he'd be in the garage working on the car and his ass crack would be showing, and I'd ask him to pull up his pants and he'd say "if you don't like it, don't look at it."

What you don't know about her is that she is really sweet underneath it all. She also will probably kill me for comparing her to my Dad's crack.