Saturday, March 17, 2007

Celebrity Snippets: Richard M. Daley


Once a week long-time radio producer and author Rick Kaempfer shares his favorite brushes with greatness in a feature he calls “Celebrity Snippets.”





Richard M. Daley has been the mayor of Chicago since 1989. If he completes the term he was just elected to serve (with 71% of the vote), he will set the record for longest serving mayor in Chicago—surpassing his own father’s record.


By Rick Kaempfer


Today is St. Patrick’s Day, and nobody is a bigger symbol of the Irish Catholic holiday in Chicago than Chicago’s very own Irish Catholic Mayor Richard M. Daley.

I’ve met the Mayor several times over the years during my radio career. The first time I spoke to him was actually before he even became the Mayor.

It was 1989. At the time I was the producer of the Steve Dahl & Garry Meier show on WLUP AM 1000. Steve & Garry were celebrating their ten year anniversary together that year.

Unlike most radio personalities, Steve & Garry actually thrived on surprise. It brought out the best in them because they were both gifted improvisers. Periodically during this year-long anniversary celebration, I would get people from their past or well-known celebrities to make surprise phone calls during the show.

After a few of these “surprise” calls, they began to trust me. Whenever I would walk into the studio and point at the blinking hotline they knew it was going to be a call worth taking on the air. They didn’t know if was going to be a celebrity like Jay Leno or Albert Brooks or someone from their past—especially a person they had feuded with, or someone who had fired them, but they knew it was going to be interesting.

During the election campaign of 1989 when Richie Daley was running for Mayor, two of his biggest fans were Steve & Garry. They often played audio clips of Daley’s common sense wisdom, his tortured syntax, and his big hearty laugh.

When I called the future Mayor’s campaign headquarters, I didn’t think there was a chance he would come on the show. After all, Steve & Garry had a reputation. They were naughty. They had been fined by the FCC. They were considered “shock jocks.” Politicians usually avoided the show like a plague because they feared being associated with them.

Plus, Daley didn’t strike me particularly as a risk-taking politician. In fact, he was widely known as being exactly the opposite. I was lucky, though. Someone on his campaign staff was a regular listener of the show. He knew that Steve and Garry had been overwhelmingly positive, and he advised Daley to do it—to connect to the young voters.

The day he called I could hear how nervous he was on the phone. He asked me if it was OK to congratulate them on their anniversary. I said yes. He asked me if was OK to say something about Hawaiian shirts (Steve’s trademark at the time), and I said yes. He took a deep breath, and I put him on hold.

The call itself lasted only a few minutes, but it turned out to be great move by the Mayor. He didn’t slip up, he laughed heartily at everything Steve and Garry said, and he got off the phone before they said anything too controversial. Steve & Garry were thrilled that he called. The next day it also got a positive write up in two of the biggest gossip columns in Chicago. The man who was widely mocked for being an overly-cautious intellectually-challenged political lightweight had passed the test with flying colors.

Four years later I was producing the John Landecker show on WJMK. By then it was almost impossible to get Mayor Daley to do a radio appearance. His schedule was booked ridiculously far in advance, and he avoided any appearance that had even a whiff of trouble. We were just getting the Landecker show off the ground at the time, and I knew an appearance by the Mayor would give us instant credibility, so I pushed hard for an in-studio visit.

It took almost six months, but he finally agreed. We had him for thirty minutes, which doesn’t sound like much—but ask any producer in Chicago how many of them have gotten the Mayor to come into the studio for a thirty minute conversation. It simply doesn’t happen.

That morning he was relaxed and amazingly comfortable. John had classic tapes of Daley’s father, and the two of them talked about what it was like growing up in that household, what it was like at the ’68 convention, and what kind of rules and regulations they had in the Daley house. Landecker & Daley formed an instantaneous generational bond. It really was an entertaining interview—and the mayor was candid, warm and friendly.

A few years later, on the day John was given a special tribute by the Museum of Broadcasting in Chicago, Mayor Daley declared it John Records Landecker Day in Chicago. I believe he did the same for Steve Dahl a few years later when Steve celebrated his 20th year in Chicago radio.

I’ve heard all the horror stories about how hard it is to work for Mayor Daley. Rumor has it that he possesses a hair trigger temper. Judging by the incredible staff turnover, it’s probably true. I’m also not blind to the corruption in City Hall. His administration, especially in recent years, has been ethically challenged to say the least. Judging by how closely he worked with the people who have been indicted and/or sent up the river, he must be involved too. At the very least, he turns a blind eye.

For those reasons, if I still lived in Chicago, I probably wouldn’t have voted for him this time around—although his opponents weren’t exactly Abe Lincoln and FDR.

On the other hand, I’ll always appreciate those two times he let his hair down a little and took a risk by appearing on the Steve & Garry and John Landecker shows.



That’s the Mayor Daley I salute on this St. Patrick’s Day in Irish Catholic Chicago.




Last year for St. Patrick's Day, I asked my friend Brendan Sullivan to write about what is was like growing up south side Irish in Chicago. He did a nice job.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Half Empty: The Hidden Meanings of Flowers


They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.






By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern




Remember when flowers were considered the perfect gift for women? You could get them for your wife, your mother, your female friends, or your female co-workers—and nobody thought a thing of it—other than “Awwww. That’s so thoughtful.”

Those days are over. If you haven’t bought flowers for a woman lately, you’ve missed a complete transformation of flower society. Flowers are still considered a perfect gift, but now they are too perfect.
Man: I like to buy some red roses please.

Florist: Oh your wife will love these.

Man: It’s not for my wife.

Florist: Your girlfriend?

Man: No…a co-worker.

Florist: Do you want her to be your girlfriend?

Man: No...

Florist: Oh dear.

Man: What?

Florist: Red roses mean love.

Man: Oh. Sorry. Make it pink roses then.

Florist: Excellent choice. Would you like a soft gentle pink or a deeper pink?

Man: Um….

Florist: Deeper pink conveys a message of gratitude.

Man: Well…I’m getting her flowers because she got a promotion. It’s not exactly gratitude.

Florist: Are you her boss or is she your boss?

Man: Um…we’re sort of equals I guess.

Florist: Soft gentle pink conveys a message of admiration.

Man: Well, I guess admire her…

Florist: (grinning) In a slightly, where can this lead us, sort of way?

Man: No.

Florist: Then I’d recommend staying away from the soft gentle pink.

Man: What about white roses.

Florist: White roses say “You’re heavenly.”

Man: No. What about those peach roses?

Florist: Desire and Zest.

Man: No. The dark ones?

Florist: You mean the burgundy? Those mean “unconscious beauty.”

Man: No. The yellow?

Florist: Yellow roses stand for joy and happiness.

Man: Yeah…that sounds good.

Florist: How many would you like?

Man: How about just one?

Florist: Love.

Man: Two?

Florist: Engagement or marriage.

Man: Are you serious?

Florist: Yes.

Man: Six?

Florist: That means you’ll never forget her.

Man: No. What do you recommend?

Florist: I’d recommend an arrangement with the yellow roses as the centerpiece.

Man: OK.

Florist: What is her sign?

Man: What?

Florist: Her zodiac sign? If she’s an Aries, I’d recommend some tiger lilies or impatiens, if she’s a Taurus, I’d say go with a poppy or daisy, if she’s a Gemini—lily of the valley or lilac, if she’s a Capricorn—

Man: I’ll take a plant please.

Florist: What kind of plant? Would you like a…

Man: Plain, green.

By the way, just for the record, we didn’t make up any of those “meanings.” Feel free to save yourself some heartache and study the conversation before you enter the florist next time.

Another free service of your good friends at Half Empty.


By the way, tomorrow is the Ides of March. Seems like a good time to get an endorsement for our advertising agency from the leader of the band--Ides of March: Jim Peterik for A.M.I.S.H. Chicago Advertising

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Suburban Man: The Birth of Johnny Kaempfer



The date was March 12, 1998.









The headline on the Chicago Sun Times front page: “Cicero deal halts Rally by Klan”

The headline on the Chicago Tribune front page: “Clinton plans to join Ulster peace talks”

The headline on the Daily Herald front page: “Clinton refuses to say whether he will testify to grand jury”

The headline on the New York Times front page: “The World of Paula Jones”

But the biggest story was happening in Mt. Prospect, and only one reporter was on hand to break the story....Me. I called into the John Landecker show that morning to report the news flash. The cast of characters included John Landecker, sidekick Catherine Johns, and newsman Richard Cantu.

The following is a transcript of that important phone call.



John: Oldies 104.3, John Records Landecker, it’s 8:27, and joining us on the phone from the maternity ward is the producer of the program, Rick the German Boy Kaempfer. Good morning, Rick.

Rick: Good morning.

John: Rick, tell us what’s going on.

Rick
: Well as long as we’re plugging our kids (John had just plugged his daughter’s play), I’ve got a new one to plug.

John: Aaaawwwwright!

Rick: Last night around eleven thirty Bridget’s water broke and we didn’t even have time to make it to the hospital downtown, so we went to the one out here.

Catherine
: Oh, is that right?

Rick: And we have a new baby boy!

(Cheering and clapping in the studio)

Richard: Whoo Hooo! Congratulations. Two knucklehead boys!

Rick: And it’s a big one too.

Catherine
: How big?

Rick: 8 pounds, 6 ounces.

Catherine: That is pretty big. How’s Bridget doing?

Rick: She’s doing real well. I’m at home now. I came home to check on Tommy...

John: Wait a doggone minute! You went home to check on your other child before you called the show? Where are your priorities?

Rick: Sorry, forgive me. I’m hopelessly out of whack.

John: OK, 8 pounds. How long was it?

Rick: 21 inches...if you know what I’m saying.

Catherine: We know what you’re saying.

John: No, how long was the baby?

Rick: Oh, the baby?

Richard: Once more into the gutter.

John: So what time was this kid born?

Rick
: Two o’clock in the morning. They kicked me out of the hospital at 4:00, because Bridget has to share a room, and I came home and got a little sleep, and Tommy just woke me up, so I’m calling you right away.

John: So you’ve called all your family I hope.

Rick: Bridget called them.

John: But she had the baby.

Rick: Yeah, she had the baby in about two hours. It wasn’t that bad, although that’s easy for me to say. She was fine, what a trooper.

Catherine: And she wanted to chat, right?

Rick: Exactly.

Catherine: Now I want to know something. Does this child have a name?

Rick: Oh yes he does. His name is John Richard Kaempfer.

John: Wow.

Richard: You honor us, Sir.

John: Was he named after anyone?

Rick: Well, my favorite Beatle is John.

John
: John Lennon.

Rick: And of course, my favorite DJ....

John
: Really?

Rick: Yup. John Brandmeier.

(Everyone laughs)

John: OK, you got me.

(Call waiting clicks)

Rick: And actually John is also a name in Bridget’s family. Her grandfather was named John. And so is her brother.

(Call waiting clicks again)

John: I see you got baby waiting there.

Rick: Yeah, I think I may be popular today.

John: Well, we’ll let you go. Congratulations on the big news! So you’ll be back to work tomorrow, right?

Rick: Uh...well...

Catherine: John!

John: Just kidding, just kidding.

Rick: See you later.

John: There he goes. Proud papa.

(Click)

John: Oh wait! Darnit! I forgot to ask him if he taped it.

Richard: Are you kidding? Of course he did.

John: Because if there was ever a disc jockey who knows how to exploit a child, it’s....

2 year old Tommy Kaempfer singing the jingle: John Records Landecker, Oldies 104.3.


Of course, I did tape it, by the way. It aired the next day. Friday the 13th.


By the time Johnny was three he was doing movie reviews and jokes on the radio. He also accompanied the show to the Dominican Republic for a live broadcast. That's him in the photo there chatting with Leslie Keiling.






Johnny is also the star of this article I wrote for Lake Magazine three years ago.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Suburban Man: The Evil Genius

By Rick Kaempfer




Being the little brother to two older brothers is a tough gig. If the little brother has a big taunting mouth, it’s much much worse. Every day becomes a life and death struggle.

Meet my youngest son Sean: He’s cute. He’s smart. And he’s lucky he’s alive.

Sean figured out about a year ago that no matter what he said or did, his brothers were never going to like him, or treat him well. So, instead of trying to win their favor, he went the other direction. Without succumbing to emotion or histrionics, he pursues his life goal with dogged determination: To make his brothers as miserable as possible.

On purpose.

As punishment for not liking him.

If it weren’t my house and my sons, I would find this battle incredibly entertaining. The battle begins first thing in the morning, every single morning. He usually gives them one chance. It goes a little bit like this:

Sean: Johnny, will you play with me?

Johnny: Get away from me Sean.

Sean: It’s OK, Johnny. You don’t have to play with me. I’m going up to your room to kill your favorite toy.

Johnny: DAAAAAAAD!

And that’s when I’m in the room watching.

God only knows what he says when I’m not there. He knows that Johnny (age 9) has a hair-trigger temper, and can’t let anything go, so he taunts him mercilessly.

Sean: Johnny, will you play with me?

Johnny: Get away from me Sean.

Sean: Your head is purple and when your head is purple you have to play with me forever. It’s a rule.

Johnny: That’s not a rule, and my head is not purple.

Sean: Yes it is.

Johnny: NO IT’S NOT PURPLE! YOU CAN’T MAKE RULES LIKE THAT!

If you were the adult walking into the room during this confrontation, who would you side with, the 4-year old seemingly talking nonsense, or the nine year old who is having a meltdown about the nonsense?

Sean is way too smart for his brothers. He can smell their weaknesses like a dog can smell fear. For instance, he also knows that Tommy has some quirky pet peeves, so he doesn’t waste time with anything less effective. He goes right for the throat.

It usually goes a little bit like this:

Sean: Tommy, will you play with me?

Tommy: Go away Sean.

Sean: You want my pickle?

Tommy: I hate pickles. Get that away from me.

Sean: Why? It’s only a pickle. See. Here it is, Tommy. A pickle. Look, it’s coming right at you. Can you smell it?

Tommy: AAAAAARGH! GET THAT AWAY FROM ME!!!!

Again—picture yourself breaking up this fight. Who is being unreasonable? The 11 year old boy screaming about a harmless pickle or the emotionless little 4-year-old innocently holding a pickle in the air? If you didn’t recognize the evil genius, you would side with the little guy every time.

It’s passive aggressive brilliance.

And it’s just the tip of the iceberg.

Every day as Tommy and Johnny are getting ready to walk out the door, Sean rushes up to give them a “big hug.” Does he do this because he loves his brothers? No, of course not. He does it because they hate him. He does it to rub it in their faces.

After they run screaming out of the house, Sean turns around and smiles. He smiles because he won again. He smiles because he’s playing them like a fiddle, and he knows it. They’re leaving the house screaming, and he’s home alone, with all their toys.

I must admit, I admire his mental toughness. They started this fight by rejecting his friendly overtures to play, and instead of rolling over and crying, he is fighting back. He can’t beat them physically (he knows this for a fact—they beat him up regularly), but he also knows they are no match for his evil genius.

The other day after Tommy and Johnny went running out of the house screaming, he came over to me and sat on my lap. He had a big smile on his face.

“We’re a team, Dad,” he said.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“We’re a team, because Tommy & Johnny hate both of us,” he said.

“They don’t hate us,” I argued half-heartedly. “They really love us.”

“OK, Dad,” he said. Then, almost as afterthought, he added, “I have an idea for dinner tonight.”

“What?”

“Why don’t you do some of your cartoon voices for me?”

“Your brothers hate those voices,” I reminded him.

I could have added that the mere threat of doing my cartoon voices is enough to get them to do their homework, their chores, and anything else I ask, but of course, he knew that.

“They do?” he answered innocently, before flashing me that evil grin.

Wow, he’s good.

I always considered myself a bit of evil genius, but I’m no match for this kid. I’m going to have to keep a close eye on him. Within a few years he’s going to be eating me up and spitting me out without my even knowing it.

He smiled at me and gave me a big hug.

“I love you, Dad,” he said.

Uh oh.



If you missed any previous Suburban Man column, click here: http://suburbanmanarchive.blogspot.com

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Celebrity Snippets: Joseph Cardinal Bernardin

Once a week long-time radio producer and author Rick Kaempfer shares his favorite brushes with greatness in a feature he calls “Celebrity Snippets.”








By Rick Kaempfer






Joseph Cardinal Bernardin may seem like an odd choice for Celebrity Snippets, but I think it’s appropriate for three reasons.

1. It’s Lent and I’m Catholic.
2. The Cardinal really was a celebrity in Chicago.
3. I have a story that proves it.

In the 1980s and 90s, Bernardin served as the Arch Bishop of Chicago. I met him three times during those years, and each time made an impact on me.

The first time was at a church dinner at St. Constance church on the northwest side of Chicago. My grandmother went to that church and when she heard that Cardinal Bernardin was going to be coming, she was beside herself with excitement.

When she “invited” us to come, we knew it wasn’t one of those “come if you can make it” moments. It was more like an order. I was 20 years old at the time, and let’s just say I wasn’t exactly thrilled to be there.

Cardinal Bernardin made his way around the hall, making a special point of talking to every table. When he came to ours, he stood behind me and put his hand on my shoulder as he spoke in his calm and gentle voice to my grandmother.

I have never seen her more excited in her entire life.

I know this is going to sound strange, but that moment in time is forever frozen in my memory banks. I can conjure it up at will (and I often do) whenever I want to see that expression on my grandmother’s face. But that isn’t the strange part. The strange part is how I conjure up the memory.

I look at my shoulder. When I look at my shoulder, I can see Cardinal Bernardin’s hand there, and I can remember the warmth I felt from his presence. When I feel the warmth again, the image of my grandmother’s smiling face immediately comes to me.

I know it’s odd. But I swear it’s true.

Ten years after that first meeting, I became Cardinal Bernardin’s neighbor. My wife and I lived almost exactly equidistant from the holiness of the Cardinal’s mansion and the debauchery of Rush & Division streets.

One morning I was returning from an overnight shift at the radio station, and he was out for an early morning walk. Instead of waving as I did the first few times I saw him in the neighborhood, I walked up and shook his hand. My grandmother had recently passed away, and I told him how much it meant to her to meet him that day. He smiled and thanked me. I know this is going to sound strange, but I felt that same warmth when we shook hands that morning.

Which brings me to the moment I realized that he actually was a celebrity.

It happened the third and final time I saw him--- at O’Hare airport, a year or so before he died. He was waiting to check his baggage, and my wife and I were rushing toward our gate. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted him as we walked by.

“There’s Cardinal Bernardin,” I said to my wife, who had never met him.

“WHERE?” she asked, turning around.

When I pointed him out to her, she was barely able to contain her exuberance.

“Cardinal Bernardin!”

He turned around and smiled. “Yes, hello.”

She smiled back at him and stared for a moment, not knowing exactly what to say, before she shook his hand and said: “I’m your biggest fan!”*

Doesn’t that sound like something a celebrity might hear? I thought so too, and that’s why I’m including him in Celebrity Snippets today.

That, and I figure it can’t hurt to spread some good will during Lent. I can use all the help I can get.




*Just because someone is a fan of the Cardinal doesn’t make her a Cardinals fan. That’s an important distinction.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Half Empty: Middle Aged Vanity Plates


They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.


By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



"Yah. Say, Lou, ya hear the one about the guy who couldn't afford personalized plates, so he went and changed his name to J2L 4685?"
-Marge (In Fargo)



When you drive about a million miles a week hauling your kids to swimming, soccer, day care, school, ballet, play dates, karate and more like we do, you end up seeing quite a few vanity plates.

We’ve noticed one disturbing trend, however. Not nearly enough of "our kind" (middle aged people) are indulging in the vanity plates fad. It may be because of a lack of vanity, or it may be because we're too busy to come up with creative plates appropriate for our age bracket.

With that in mind, we've done the heavy lifting for you. Feel free to steal any of the following...


If you suffer from an NLG-PRS8 you probably will URN8-3XPM. So you should probably PB4U-ZZZ. If you’re still PSNG-OF10 you should CA-PDR. In either case you will probably get a PROS8-XAM which WL-SUK.

If people call you 4-IZ you’ll probably 12-CBTR. So go to an optometrist where he might say you have BAD-IBALZ. He might prescribe BI-4COLS for you. Please be aware that any of these plates might get you stopped by the police.

It’s more than likely that you have -CSH-FLW and O-LOTS if you have 3XX-3XYS. Let’s face it 6KDS-ENUF. Thankfully, you have NO-NRG, NO-6-DRYV and NO-6UL-RGS to make any more. Hang in there, because when the KIDZRGONE you can once again NJOY-LF and T IT UP.

You’ll say TIH2 HO (mirror image) when you get DWNSZD and LOSE401K after 30YR-WK4MAN. Sure it was a 5HITJOB but it beats being NDR-MPLYD.

For those of you who take vanity to extremes and want to advertise it, tell everyone about your PNS-NPLT, or getting your TNADONE. Sy Sperling and his friends might prefer pointing our their 2PAY.

For those of you who are already at the grouchy curmudgeon stage, and want to spare any subtleties, SCRAM, UP-URS, URN-ZWAY and FUH QUE work nicely.

And finally, if you’re a Cub fan try W8-2NXYR.

We hope we were able to provide you with a few ideas. As always, no charge. Your vanity is our reward.



If you missed any previous Half Empty columns, click here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Celebrity Snippets: Dan Quayle

Once a week long-time radio producer and author Rick Kaempfer shares his favorite brushes with greatness in a feature he calls “Celebrity Snippets.”






The Academy Awards are tomorrow night. For the first time ever, a former Vice President of the United States could win an Oscar. I never met that Vice President (Al Gore), but I did meet the man who held the office before him: Dan Quayle



Dan Quayle had been out of office for less than a year when I met him at a Marshall Field's book signing. I was the only member of the press to show up.

I'm not kidding.

To be fair, the press was told in advance that former VP Quayle wouldn't be taking any questions--he was just there to sign books and meet the public. That scared off everyone else. That, and the fact that he was already considered old news. He had just become an ex-Vice President.

Of course, I went for comedy reasons. I figured that I would get him on tape, or I would get someone on tape telling me to get lost. It was win-win.

When I arrived at the store, the PR person told me politely that there wouldn't be any questions. I promised her that I didn't have a lot of questions...only one. It would literally take one minute. The Vice President overheard me say that, sighed, and nodded to her. I had the go-ahead.

Unfortunately, I didn't really have a question ready. I was certain I would get the brush off--so I hadn't properly prepared for success. It wasn't until moments before the Vice President waved me up, that I finally thought of a question. His first question to me, however, changed my plans.

"Are you with a wacky morning show?" he asked when he saw my microphone and recorder.

I admitted I was.

"Is your question going to be crude?" he asked, his eyes looking for the PR person to intervene, just in case.

"No," I promised. "Nothing crude."

"Are you going to make fun of me?" he asked.

"No," I promised, and frantically searched my brain for a replacement question.

"OK," he said. "What is your question?"

It came to me at the last second--only because as far as I'm concerned--I had never heard a good answer to the question. I knew he was from Indiana, so I asked...

"What is a Hoosier?"

He smiled, and launched into his answer without hesitating or stumbling. It was a lengthy answer, with many layers, about a contractor named Hoosier from the 1800s, who preferred hiring stout and sturdy workers. He found that those kind of men tended to come from Indiana, so over time, "Hoosier" became shorthand for 'Indiana workers.'

(When I was writing this, I went on the Internet to find out if Quayle's definition was correct or not. Apparently no-one can answer that question definitively, there are several different definitions, but I did find his definition elsewhere. At least he wasn't making it up.)

When he finished answering the question, he leaned over and hit the stop button on my tape recorder. Then he smiled and said "Thanks. You had me nervous there."

"Are you kidding?" I said. "I was the one that was nervous. I was talking to the Vice President."

He waved his hand modestly. "Happy to do it."

I have to be honest, my overall impression of the man was very positive. Of course, I still had comedy obligations, so when he officially retired from politics just before the 2000 Presidential election, I still wrote the following song...

AUDIO: "So Long Dan Quayle"
(Vince Argento on vocals, Dan Quayle on malaprops)

It's nothing personal. Just doing my job.




Tomorrow's Oscar host Ellen DeGeneres was previously featured on Celebrity Snippets

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Half Empty: Movie Rental Tips for Wives


They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.





By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern




Whenever the Oscars come around we are reminded of two things.

1) No one has the right to wear shoes worth more than the combined worth of our two homes.
2) Our only hope of seeing a movie we actually want to see is by uttering the following phrase: "I'll go to Blockbuster, thanks."

Our wives often volunteer to run this errand for us, but history shows that they are completely unable to choose a film worth watching. Most DVD boxes have gigantic flashing red lights saying "DO NOT RENT THIS MOVIE!", but our wives don't see those lights.

We figured that our wives may not be the only wives that don't see the lights, so we've volunteered to spell it out more clearly on behalf of husbands everywhere. No need to thank us. This is another free service of Half Empty.


Ladies--when you see the following types of movies, keep walking...


Disease Movies -
A movie about cancer? DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE. Do you really consider this appropriate Saturday evening relaxation? In fact, any and all life threatening illnesses are not acceptable. Consider this one of the golden rules of movie renting. The only exception to this rule is if the film is based on the real-life relationship between teammates Brian Piccolo and Gale Sayers. Now that’s a disease movie.

“Period” Pieces –
1) If the words “Victorian England” are found anywhere on the box, step away from the movie immediately. If for some reason you didn’t bring your glasses or you're having trouble reading the fine print, if the cover has a woman wearing a foofy dress or carrying a parasol: DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE.
2) If the movie stars Helena Bonham Carter, Daniel Day Lewis, Judi Dench or Ralph (prounced “Raif”, what a blowhard) Fiennes: DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE. By the way, Meryl Streep is this/close to getting put on the list.

Triumph of the Human Spirit Movies

He has no arms and legs and becomes a great painter. Very impressive, but...DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE. We’re really not interested, thanks for asking. Don’t get us wrong, we think it’s inspiring when the guy with no arms and legs becomes a great painter. It's just that we have fully-functioning limbs and can't spread cream cheese on a bagel without cutting ourselves--and we really don't need the limbless painter rubbing that in our faces.


Foreign Films

Wow, you really don’t know your husbands at all, do you? If we wanted to read a book we wouldn’t have rented a movie. The only acceptable movie with subtitles is Airplane. The only acceptable movies with accents must contain the words, “Monty Python’s” in the title. However, if the movie contains a sticker with the words: "NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN UNDER 17," we will probably relax the no foreign film rule.


Black and White Films

Three Stooges, OK. Everything else, not so much.

Breakfast at Tiffany's
DO NOT CHOOSE THIS MOVIE! We know, we know, Holly Golightly is the craziest heroine ever. She also never shuts up, and she never makes any sense. If she was one of your friends, we would beg you never to invite her to our home.

Movies about dancing
Have you noticed that we’ve never taken you dancing and that we flop-sweat at weddings? Here’s a little secret, WE HATE DANCING. We don't like doing it, and we really don't like watching it. That means we hate musicals, too. The only exception is a musical about Hitler written by Mel Brooks.


See how simple this is?

Please keep these simple rules in mind next time you choose a movie, and you won't have to put up with us snoring through another one of your picks.

Unless, of course, that was your intention in the first place.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Suburban Man: The Suburban Oscars




By Rick Kaempfer




I’ll be watching the Oscars just like everyone else this weekend. Unfortunately, for the third year in a row, I haven’t seen a single one of the nominated movies (other than those in the animated category). I’ll be watching strictly to see if either Martin Scorsese or Peter O’Toole becomes the Susan Lucci of the Academy Awards.

Because those of us with children tend to feel a little left out on Oscar-night (we don’t get out much), I’ve decided to create the Suburban Oscars.

To qualify for a Suburban Oscar, an actor or actress must have performed in a film that takes place in the suburbs. The film also cannot be a new release. Any film less than two years old is disqualified.

Winners of Suburban Oscars will receive a trophy and a suburban gift basket, but only if they fly me out to Los Angeles to hand-deliver it. (I will also accept a flight by the company that released the film.) Otherwise the trophies and gift baskets will be kept in a safe place for next year’s winners.

Without further ado, I now present the Suburban Oscars.

The nominees for most for “Most Precocious” performance by a child in a suburban-based film are…

Jonathon Lipnicki in “Jerry McGuire”
Peter Billingsley in “A Christmas Story”
McCauley Culkin in “Home Alone”
Drew Barrymore in “ET”
Heather O’Rourke in “Poltergeist”

And the Suburban Oscar goes to: This precious child

The nominees for “Best Teen Angst” performance in a suburban-based film are…

Sissy Spacek in “Carrie”
Toby McGuire in “American Beauty”
Mary Stuart Masterson in “Parenthood”
Ally Sheedy in “Breakfast Club”
Sean Penn in “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”

And the Suburban Oscar goes to: Really?


The nominees for “Best Rich Teen Angst” performance in a suburban-based film are…

Tom Cruise in “Risky Business”
Matthew Broderick in “Ferris Buehler’s Day Off”
Timothy Hutton in “Ordinary People”
James Dean in “Rebel without a Cause”
Dustin Hoffman in “The Graduate”

And the Suburban Oscar goes to: Him

(You’re welcome, ladies.)

And last, but not least, the nominees for “Best Teen Time Travel Performance” in a suburban-based film are…

Michael J. Fox in “Back to the Future”
Keanu Reeves in “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure”
Kathleen Turner in “Peggy Sue Got Married”
Krispin Glover in “Back to the Future”
Alex Winter in “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure”

And the Suburban Oscar goes to:You know it's not Kathleen Turner


Congratulations to all of our winners.

Each of you can have your people contact me at the “E-mail Me” link on this page. When you plan my accommodations for delivery of the award, please keep in mind that I have three kids, so I’ll need five airline tickets, and at least two hotel rooms. We’ll handle all other incidentals, including mini-bar.

(By the way, the real winner for “Best Rich Teen Angst” would have been him, but he’s not able to fly me to Los Angeles at the moment.)

Next year, come on back for our second annual Suburban Oscars, when we'll honor more performances you've actually seen. If you have any suggested nominees for "Best Suburban Mom" or "Best Suburban Dad" performances, feel free to send them in to Suburban Oscar headquarters.

In the meantime, enjoy the real Academy Awards this weekend.

I have to rememeber not to go to the bathroom during the "In Memorium" segment this year. The Anna Nicole Smith tribute is going to be heartbreaking.



If you'd like to read my previous Suburban Man columns, I collect them here: http://suburbanmanarchive.blogspot.com

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Half Empty: Valentine's Day


They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.





By Rick Kaempfer and Dave Stern



Here’s a question for you lovebirds who have been married for a long time: Have you renewed your vows yet?

If you haven’t, you might be a little surprised at the refreshing honesty expressed during the renewal vows these days. They use an entirely different script than they used for the original vows.

Your good friends at Half Empty have managed to acquire a copy. We’re printing the script here so that you can mentally prepare yourself for the big day.


RENEWAL OF MARRIAGE VOWS FOR COUPLES MARRIED MORE THAN TEN YEARS

Clergy: Do you (insert husband’s name), promise to… step over the laundry basket instead of carrying it up the stairs, wipe up spills with your socks, use the imaginary brakes when she drives, never replace a toilet paper roll, push crumbs under the fridge rather than pick them up, pretend to listen with an uncanny ability to nod at the appropriate times, remember nothing—ever, never find anything even if it’s in front of your face, buy less than 70% of the items on your grocery list, mix all colors and wash everything in warm, pretend like you’re asleep when she wants to talk, think that twelve hours of television a day is an appropriate amount for a four year old, and expend the minimum amount of effort on everything you do every single day….as long as you both shall live?

Husband: I do.

Clergy: And do you (insert wife’s name), promise to…leave an unsaid ‘dumbass’ at the end of every sentence with the tone of your voice, have a strong opinion on literally every subject, roll your eyes within two seconds of him opening his mouth, break every traffic law when you drive—even for short distances, pick the absolutely worst movie every time you go to Blockbuster, think that ballroom dance and yoga classes would be a fun couple’s activity, make snide comments about his appearance, yearn for more culture in your life, restack the dishwasher every single time he does it, expect him to tolerate your bad moods while cutting him no slack ever for his bad moods, and point out that he is doing everything the ‘wrong’ way every single day…as long as you both shall live?

Wife: I do.

Clergy: Wow. Well, then, I guess you really are man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Husband & Wife: Is that really necessary?

Clergy: OK, you may now go to your separate televisions.

Crowd: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww.

Cue the music: “Trading Spaces” and “Monday Night Football” (at the same time)

A show of hands: Who has a tear in his or her eye right now?

What can we say? We do too.

I guess we’re all just hopeless romantics.






Do Rick and Dave have even more love to share today?

Why yes we do.


Look, we don't like to brag, but we know a thing or two about love.

On this Valentine's Day, we're not just going to give you one measly column to help your love life. No sir. Today, we'll give you 4 more.

True love--4 ever.

Are you a wife looking for harmony in your relationship? This column is for you: 10 Questions you should never ask your husband

Are you a boyfriend or husband, desperately trying to understand your woman? This column is for you: Quiz: How well do you understand your woman?

Are you a woman who really wants to attract a man? Boy, have you come to the right place. This column is for you: 9 Ways to Attract a Man

Are you a husband who wants to be able to make your wife laugh again? We've been there, buddy. This column is for you: 10 things a husband can say to make his wife laugh

Are you a husband or wife who doesn't want to overpay for a nice romantic dinner at a restaurant tonight? Sorry. We're love counselors, not miracle workers.




Love may be one of our specialties, but we write about so much more. To read any of our previous columns, click here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Suburban Man: Dumb Dads

By Rick Kaempfer


You probably already know this if you watch television: Dads are dumb. It begins the moment we become fathers...

First time dad!


We can't be trusted to do the simplest of things, because deep down, we're really really dumb...

Daddy in the park


Anybody hungry? What would happen if really stupid Dad tried to make dinner for everyone?

Subway Commercial: The Dad Who Made Dinner


Don't let him out on the streets with his children, he's too stupid to stay out of trouble...

Daddy & Daughter


I'm not sure exactly when this trend started, but I noticed it when my kids were very young and Home Improvement was on television. Tim Allen wasn't helping our cause...

What did the Moron Have for Breakfast?


Dumb, dumb dad.

Of course the poster boy for stupid is also a father, so that really doesn't help...

Homer Simpson: Portrait Of An Idiot


And now the latest hot show on Fox has even taken it up a notch...

peter-family guy



The dumb dad stereotype has always bugged me a little bit, but I think I finally reached my breaking point the other day when I saw that commercial with the father who text messages his children at the dinner table.

That dad sets new stupidity records. I cringed at the stupid grin on his face. I cringed at the stupid giggles he can't restrain as he acts like a five year old. I cringed at the unawareness he has about the way his family really feels about him. Even his wife calls him stupid with her eyes.

"That's enough!" I said.

I turned off the television and went into the kitchen where my oldest son Tommy was working on his math homework. As usual, he didn't even acknowledge I was there.

"The answer to #3 is 3 5/8," I said, leaning over his shoulder.

"Dad," he said. "I don't want your help."

"Really?" I replied defensively. "Nobody wants dumb Dad to help out with math homework, right? Dumb Dad is obviously too stupid to help."

"Math just isn't your subject," he said.

"I think I can handle fifth grade math," I snapped.

"The answer is 3 3/8," he pointed out.

Oh.

Right.

Never mind.

You know, most stereotypes are just slightly embellished reality.




Click here to read Suburban Man's take on the unwritten ground rules of Valentine's day: Valentine's Day


To read any previous Suburban Man column, click here: http://suburbanmanarchive.blogspot.com

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Celebrity Snippets: Michael Jordan/Ernie Banks

Once a week long-time radio producer and author Rick Kaempfer shares his favorite brushes with greatness in a feature he calls “Celebrity Snippets.”






Michael Jordan and Ernie Banks are probably the two most famous and popular athletes to ever play in Chicago. Through a very odd twist of fate, I met both of them on the same day.








By Rick Kaempfer


In the early days of the John Landecker show on WJMK, I was often sent out in the field to cover big events and/or interview celebrities. Nobody was bigger in Chicago than Michael Jordan. When he retired from basketball the city was in collective shock.

When he announced that he had signed with the White Sox and was going to play baseball, we were even more shocked.

On February 7, 1994, I went to the press conference announcing Michael’s baseball contract. There was a media throng there unlike any I’d encountered before. So many credentialed members of the press were there, they had to set up bleachers for us.

This was the only time in my career that I had a chance to speak with Michael Jordan. I wish I could report to you what I asked or what he answered, but to be completely honest with you, I don’t remember. That wasn’t the most memorable moment of the day for me.

It also wasn’t watching Michael hit the ball in a batting cage, although I did take pictures of that for posterity. (That’s him in the White Sox uniform above.)

For me, the memorable moment occurred while the press was cataloguing every moment of Michael’s batting practice. I got bored after about five pitches, and looked around the room. I thought I was seeing things when I saw a familiar face about ten feet away from me. Since I already had the camera in my hand, I snapped a photo. (Yes, I know. I'll never be a professional photographer)

I must have been mistaken.

Was that my childhood hero Ernie Banks standing there? What would he be doing at a White Sox press conference?

I walked over and introduced myself. It really was him. He was wearing his “Mr. Cub—Ernie Banks” hat, and was watching the press reaction to Michael.

“What are you doing here?” I asked after I shook his hand.

“The Sox asked me to stop by,” he said.

“Do they usually ask you to stop by?” I asked.

“No, they don’t,” Ernie said. “But Michael is a friend, and I wish him the best.”

When other members of the press heard Ernie’s voice and saw that I was interviewing him, they all started to mosey over for a quote. I knew I wouldn’t have much more time to talk to him, and I had a million questions to ask him, but I was in professional mode—trying to get something for us to use on the air the next morning.

“So, how do you think he’ll do in baseball?” I asked.

“I think he’s going to be one of the all-time greats,” Ernie said.

With that, the press surrounded him, and I was slowly pushed aside. I never got a chance to talk to him about those incredible Cubs teams of the late 60s; my childhood heroes. I never got a chance to tell him how his upbeat and rosy outlook in the face of adversity was a lesson for us all.

On the other hand, I did discover why the White Sox asked him to come to the press conference. He was the only "expert" there who thought Michael was going to be a great baseball player.

Even the White Sox need that kind of optimism once in a while.



I have written about Michael Jordan before. When he retired from basketball the first time, I was inspired to write the following piece for Upbeat Chicago Magazine: Et tu, Michael?


Stories like this one (and many, many more) are available via Allworth Press--in my How-To-Guide for producing radio shows (co-written with fellow radio producer John Swanson)

Click on this link to order your copy: The Radio Producer's Handbook

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Suburban Man: They say the darndest things, part 3


By Rick Kaempfer




Every day at home with my boys brings another “Darndest Things” moment, and makes me appreciate the genius of Art Linkletter even more. He was the first one to harness this unpredictable free entertainment of childhood logic, expose it to the masses, and make himself quite rich in the process.

Alas, he also owns the copyright.

But that doesn’t mean the concept itself isn’t still entertaining. Here are a handful of recent “Darndest Things” moments from my own brood. (Feel free to contribute some of your own by clicking on the “E-mail Me” link on the right.)


1. (WARNING: Non-Catholics may not get this one.) At Christmas Mass this year 4-year-old Sean fell asleep in Bridget's arms. When he woke up, he said, "Mom, did I miss the lasagna?" Bridget asked him what he meant, and he said "You know, the song, lasagna in the highest."

2. When Tommy was seven, he noticed that my mom was having trouble doing two things at once. “I thought women were good at multi-tasking,” he said. I jokingly replied: “Old women aren’t.” My mom got a chuckle out of that. A few weeks later we were in public somewhere, when Tommy noticed a 40-something woman doing two things at once without a problem. He screamed to me: “Dad, Look! I thought you said old women weren’t good at multi-tasking!”

3. I heard screaming coming from Johnny’s room, so I ran up there to see what happened. When I opened the door, Sean was trying to console his crying big brother by saying: “I didn’t slap you! I just touched your face really, really hard.”

4. We have a tradition in our house. Each year when the boys bring home their school pictures, we take down the framed photo from the year before (which is on top of the year before that, which is on top of the year before that, etc.), and look at each of the old pictures. This year when we were looking at Johnny’s old pictures, he sighed and said “I really miss the young me.”

5. At my grandfather’s funeral, I was on the altar delivering the eulogy. I mentioned that even though my grandfather was no longer with us, parts of him lived on: “For instance, his love of music lives on in his great-grandson Tommy.” Tommy, who was sitting in the front row, was so excited to be mentioned, he raised his arms in the air and did the Rocky pose.

6. Bridget was helping deliver the Cub Scouts Christmas wreaths this year, and 4-year-old Sean accompanied her. As she was loading one wreath on top of another, she asked Sean to hold her gloves. When she started struggling with the wreaths, Sean held up one of her gloves and asked: “Mom, can I give you a hand?”

7. All of my boys ask a ton of questions. They come at me in rapid fire form, often at the same time. It takes incredible dexterity to answer them in an orderly fashion. I wrote down a few of the questions a few weeks ago to give you an idea. All of these were actual questions asked during one dinner:
=What was the first dinosaur?
=What is bile?
=Do lions hibernate?
=Who invented the words ‘yes’ and ‘no’?
=What color are butterfly eggs?
=Where do bees go in the winter?
=What is convection current?

8. On the morning of my 40th birthday, Tommy was waiting for me at the base of the stairs when I woke up. He was “dressed up” for my special birthday; dress slacks, a T-shirt, and a clip-on tie attached to his T-shirt.

9. When Johnny was three years old he came into the room holding his midsection. He said "Mom, Dad, I think I broke my heart, my bones, my soul, and my cage."

10. Sean was on his way to the shopping mall to visit Santa Claus with my mother. As he walked out the door, I stopped him, and said: “Sean, be nice to Santa.” He said. “Daaaad. I’m always nice to people who give me presents.”


OK, I'll admit it. I write these down as much for me as I do to entertain you. There are so many moments like this every week that are forgotten forever simply because I don't have a pen or pencil nearby.

At least these ten moments have been duly recorded.


If you missed any previous Suburban Man columns, click here: http://suburbanmanarchive.blogspot.com

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Celebrity Snippets: Buddy Holly/Niki Sullivan

Once a week long-time radio producer and author Rick Kaempfer shares his favorite brushes with greatness in a feature he calls “Celebrity Snippets.”





On this day in 1959, Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens and the Big Bopper died in a plane crash in Clear Lake Iowa. Buddy Holly was only 22 years old when he died.

Video: About day of the plane crash


Obviously, since I was born in 1963, I never met Buddy Holly. I have, however, met quite a few people who were important in Holly’s life.

Among the people who joined us on the John Landecker Show over the years was the original guitarist of the Crickets, Niki Sullivan. He came to Chicago in the 90s as part of The Buddy Holly Story stage show. He was kind enough to get up real early one morning while he was in town to spend the better part of an hour on the John Landecker show.

We could have listened to Niki’s stories all day long. One of my favorite stories, because it involves two of the biggest stars in rock and roll history, was the story about the day Elvis Presley came to Lubbock, Texas. Buddy had won a contest as the best vocalist in Lubbock, and the prize was performing as opening act for Elvis. Niki was there that day too, and described what happened.

“Boy, Buddy was excited. You have to understand, it was 1955, and Buddy was already pretty well known in the Lubbock area at the time, but just hadn’t been able to break through nationally. Well since he was the opening act, he had access to the backstage area, and he approached Elvis—who had a couple of hit songs at the time--and asked Elvis if he had any advice. Elvis said sure, and invited Buddy into his dressing room. Well, he and Elvis went into that dressin’ room, and when Buddy came out a few minutes later—he was a different person. We asked him what they talked about, but he wouldn’t say. He just smiled. Whatever it was, and he never did tell us, after that night he was even more driven to succeed. It wasn’t too long after that he did.”

Recently, a home movie of Elvis backstage at that concert surfaced. Take a look at this clip, and you’ll see Buddy at the very end. This is supposedly the very first known footage of Elvis.

Niki was there for the recording of Buddy’s first big hit: “That’ll be the day.” He’s the other guy with the funny glasses playing the guitar in this video from those days.

He toured with the band the whole year of 1957, including a famous show at the Apollo Theatre. The black audience there that night had no idea what to think when they saw this group of good ol’ white boys, but the band won them over. It was a critical moment in Buddy Holly’s career, and was
featured in the movie The Buddy Holly Story
starring Gary Busey. Unfortunately for Niki, it wasn’t portrayed accurately in the film because it shows only three men on stage that night. The Cricket they omitted was Niki Sullivan.

“It’s because I didn’t talk to the guy who wrote the first biography of Buddy. I was at the hospital because my kids were being born, so I wasn’t around when he came to town. Well, sure enough, when that book came out, I wasn’t a part of the story anymore.”

Sullivan was still part of the Crickets when they performed “Peggy Sue” on the Ed Sullivan Show. He told us what happened when Sullivan met Sullivan.

“He talked to Buddy before the song, but then during ‘Peggy Sue’, I heard him yell ‘Hey, Texas boy, do it!’ So I did a little dance. If you ever see that performance, watch the reaction of our bass player Joe.”


I never saw that performance until I listened back to the tape of our interview to write this column. In the 90s when we talked to Niki, YouTube didn't exist, and it wasn't so easy to track down some of that old TV video. Now you can, and here it is.

Niki Sullivan left the group just a few weeks after this performance in December of 1957, because he couldn’t take the rigors of touring anymore, and he wanted to be home with his family. He wasn’t part of the band for their biggest year of 1958, and he wasn’t part of Buddy’s tour in 1959. That turned out to be a lucky break.

“But I’ll still never forget that day,” he told us, his voice still choking up nearly forty years later. “I’ll never forget it.”

Niki Sullivan died in his sleep in 2004, 45 years after his good friend Buddy Holly perished in that Clear Lake Iowa cornfield.


Stories like this one (and many, many more) are available via Allworth Press--in my How-To-Guide for producing radio shows (co-written with fellow radio producer John Swanson)

Click on this link to order your copy: The Radio Producer's Handbook


***********************************************

If you were reading this blog last year, you might have seen Bob Dearborn’s famous assessment of the Don McLean song “The Day the Music Died”, which was inspired by the death of Buddy Holly. If you missed it, click here.

I’ve since found a pretty good video of Don McLean singing the song. If you watch the visual images, you'll see that whoever put this together, probably read Dearborn’s analysis from 1972. Don McLean himself still refuses to explain it.

Here’s a few more video clips for Buddy Holly fans. Some of these are pretty old, and some are pretty odd…

VIDEO: Buddy Holly & The Crickets: "Oh Boy"

VIDEO: Olivia Newton John, Andy Gibb, Cliff Richard and Elton John doing “Oh Boy”

VIDEO: Interview of the real Peggy Sue

VIDEO: John Denver & David Essex doing a Buddy Holly medley

VIDEO: Leo Sayer and Justin Heyward of the Moody Blues doing a Buddy Holly medley

Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Half Empty: Middle Age Band Names


They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.






By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern




When the NFL announced that Prince was going to be the halftime entertainment for this year's Super Bowl, it made us wonder: Won't he ever graduate to a more age-appropriate rock-and-roll-elder name like "Duke" or "Baron" or "King?"

It's time. He's 50 next year.

Of course, Prince is just the tip of the misnamed older rocker iceberg. What about the rockers that are ten, twenty, and thirty years older than him? Unfortunately for those guys, there isn't a historical precedence to guide them. Previous generations didn't have to deal with this problem. A generation ago, when a 60 or 70 or 80 year old man was rocking, it was in a chair. Now, it’s on a stage with an electric guitar.

Should old guys still be allowed to play rock and roll? Of course. However, they really need to think about how it looks, and how it sounds. It’s all about image and expectations.

The Beach Boys are a perfect example.

You must admit you judge the Beach Boys more harshly simply because of the word “boys” in their name. “Boys” should not be pushing 70. If they revised their name slightly, to say the Seaside Shuffleboarders, the expectations would be completely different.

When they perform as the Beach Boys, they're likely to hear: “Whoa, those dudes are old.”

When they perform as The Seaside Shuffleboarders, they're likely to hear: “Whoa, those old dudes can still rock. Rock on, old dudes!”

See how much better that is?

Bands like the Beach Boys are doomed if they don’t rename themselves.

Other bands are luckier. Bands like The Electric Prunes, The Grateful Dead, Gerry & the Pacemakers, The Kinks, and Limp Bizkit knew they would have to live with their names for a long time and planned ahead.

As a public service to the Baby Boomer rock and roll community, we’ve taken the liberty of revising the band names for others that weren’t as prescient…

.38 Special—Blue Plate Special
ABBA—AARP
Air Supply—Oxygen Tent
Alice Cooper—Cialis Co-pay
The Animals—The Angioplasties
Bad Company—Why Don’t You Ever Visit?
Bread—Bran
Captain & Tenille—Captain & Senile
Country Joe & The Fish—Old Country Buffet & the All-You-Can-Eat Fish Fry
Creedence Clearwater Revival—Creedence Clearwater Florida
The Culture Club—The Hair Club
Def Leppard—Deaf Leonard
Neil Diamond—Neil Diaper
Foreigner—We Hate Foreigners
The Four Lads—The Four O’Clock Dinner
The Four Seasons—The Sun Always Shines in Boca
The Four Tops—The Quadruple Bypass
Genesis—Apocalypse
The Guess Who—Guess Who Had a Stroke
INXS— IN-tensive Care
Iron Butterfly—Iron Lung
Journey—Cruise
KC & the Sunshine Band—KC & The Sunshine State
Gladys Knight and Pips—Gladys Knight and Poops
Night Ranger—Rogainger
The OJays—The Ben Gays
The Osmonds—The Ointments
Procol Harem—Bifocal Harem
The Replacements—The Hip Replacements
The Rolling Stones—The Gall Stones
Sly and the Famly Stone—Sly and the Kidney Stone
Squeeze—Wheeze
Styx—Cane
Supertramp—Supercramp
Three Dog Night—Three Piss Night
The Ventures—The Dentures
Wham—Scram
The Who—Who’s Left?


No charge, fellas. You can thank us by continuing to rock in a more age-appropriate fashion.

I’m sure all of the fine readers of Half Empty can help out some more. Click on the “E-mail Me” link on the right, and send along your new names for bands in need.

The livelihood of an entire generation of musicians is at stake.



If you missed any previous Half Empty columns, click here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Suburban Man: Pinewood Derby


By Rick Kaempfer




When our first boy Tommy was born, we were still in the delivery room when a vision flashed through my mind.

I was picturing my father, the engineer, painstakingly designing, weighing, and painting my Cub Scout Pinewood Derby car. Whenever I came near the car during his two week construction project, I was told not to touch it. He wouldn’t even let me look at it. As I looked down at my own little boy, I was overwhelmed with emotion.

The emotion was pity.

“This kid is screwed for the Pinewood Derby,” I said to Bridget.

She thought I was kidding, but in the days leading up to Tommy’s first Pinewood Derby seven years later, Bridget began to understand the gravity of my delivery room prediction.

While the other Cub Scout fathers were talking about aerodynamics, design, and preliminary sketches, I was staring at a block of wood and sweating. While the other Cub Scout fathers were talking about chisels, routers, and coping saws, I was coping with a nervous breakdown.

My family doesn’t even allow me to carve the Thanksgiving turkey, but I was supposed to carve a car out of a block of wood? Are you kidding me? I can barely construct a paragraph. I can barely make a sandwich. I couldn’t fix a Chicago parking ticket if my last name was Daley.

To me, the most tragic part of the story was that the man who deserved community derision for his lack of traditional fathering skills (me) wasn’t going to be the victim. No sir. When that chunk of wood didn’t leave the starting gates, they weren’t going to call out my name to retrieve the car. They were going to call out Tommy’s.

I could picture that moment as clear as day when they handed me the Pinewood Derby box.

Bridget sensed I was a little stressed out about this whole thing. I don’t know if it was the sight of me curled up in a little ball that tipped her off, or whether it was my constant murmuring “I’m so sorry, Tommy. I’m so sorry, Tommy,” but she was like a guardian angel when she said the words that would change my parenting life forever.

“Could you use a little help?” she asked.

Could Joan of Arc have used a hose?

That’s when my own personal Joan of Arc took over. She got out the wood-thingy tools. She called her friends’ husbands and got tips for how to install the weights. She included Tommy in the process so he wouldn’t turn out like his own father. And when the two of them were done, they had created a totally satisfactory car.

She even brought along tools to Pinewood Derby night to make last second alterations if necessary. A few of the fathers commented to me about how good the car looked.

“I can’t take credit for it,” I said. “Bridget and Tommy made it.”

That was met with howls of laughter because they thought I was kidding. When they found out I wasn’t, it was met with slack-jawed disgust.

I didn’t care about their derision. I was just happy that Tommy’s car didn’t embarrass him. That horrible moment I feared never occurred.

Since that day, we’ve been to four Pinewood Derbies, and we’re going to another one this weekend. Last year my second son Johnny even won a prize for best design.

I still haven’t learned how to make one of those cars, but I have learned one thing beyond a reasonable doubt: I have the best wife in the world.



To read any of my other Suburban Man columns, click here: http://suburbanmanarchive.blogspot.com

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Celebrity Snippets: Gennifer Flowers

Once a week long-time radio producer and author Rick Kaempfer shares his favorite brushes with "greatness" in a feature he calls “Celebrity Snippets.”





Gennifer Flowers celebrated her 57th birthday in obscurity last week. Her notoriety forever faded after Monica Lewinsky’s “special internship” officially became public knowledge in 1998. In the years before Monica, however, Gennifer was a well known name in America. She had publicly claimed to be Bill Clinton’s mistress, and even had answering machine messages to prove it. Her claims were such a big story during the 1992 campaign that it caused Bill and Hillary to consent to their famous side-by-side 60 Minutes interview.




By Rick Kaempfer

During the 1996 campaign, Gennifer was out on the interview circuit again. She had a book called “Passion & Betrayal” in which she chronicled the details of her affair with Bill. After leafing through the book, I knew we had to have her on the John Landecker show. She agreed to come into the studio one morning, and I’ll never forget it.

The first thing I noticed about her was how short she was. She claims to be 5’2”, but if she is, my wife is five or six inches taller than she claims to be (5’3”). Gennifer is a tiny, tiny woman.

She arrived moments before the interview, so I didn't have a lot of time to talk to her, but she was very pleasant and professional in the green room.

When she got into the studio, however, she and John hit it off immediately. He didn’t start the interview by warming her up with softball questions, he leapt right in. Some of his questions even shocked me, but to her credit, she not only answered them, she answered them flirtatiously.

My lasting visual of that day is the image of John pulling her to his microphone to ask some of the most personal questions. He lowered his voice and nearly whispered. It was as if he was saying to her, “hey, this is just between the two of us—no-one else will never know.”

When she answered John’s question about the size of Bill’s “political caucus,” it made several of the local gossip columns in the newspapers the next day.

I happen to have an audio clip of that interview. We used a small portion of it to introduce our most popular Bill Clinton song on the last Landecker & The Legends CD: “20th Century Hits & Bits.” The song is about Monica, but Gennifer will always be our favorite presidential mistress.

AUDIO: Gennifer & Landecker/"He's the President"


Stories like this one (and many, many more) are available via Allworth Press--in my How-To-Guide for producing radio shows (co-written with fellow radio producer John Swanson)

Click on this link to order your copy: The Radio Producer's Handbook

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Half Empty: Middle Aged Road Trip


They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.




By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern & Dane Placko




Let us set the stage.

Rick had to go to Memphis for a media conference. He knew that Dave badly needed to get out of town (he has three little girls including twin one-year-olds), and they both knew that fellow college buddy Dane would be game for coming along. So…after getting approval from mildly disapproving spouses…the plans were made for an old fashioned boy’s road trip.

Of course, it wasn’t technically a road trip in the old-fashioned sense of the word. The idea of driving, for instance, was abandoned pretty quickly when Dave and Dane pointed out to the clueless Rick that Memphis was not “about four hours” away from Chicago.

Other than that, it was exactly like a traditional hard-core partying road trip…

*In the airport, Dane had all of his hair products confiscated by security. Dane, a news reporter, had no idea that these were no longer allowed in carry-on bags. The airport security man was kind enough to pose for this picture with Dane’s confiscated items.


*In the airport, Dave bought three bagels. When the total came to $8.10, Dave asked if they offered a financing plan.


*Our first meal in Memphis (lunch) was memorable. When the waitress brought Dave’s lunch, she slammed it on the table and snapped—“YOUR PLATE BURNED MY HAND!”


*Dane and Dave were eager to go to Mississippi, just a few minutes away from Memphis, although they had very different reasons.
=Dane wanted to cross Mississippi off his state list. He now has been to every state but Alaska, Hawaii, Vermont, Texas, New Mexico and Oregon. Rick and Dave were just as impressed as you are.
=Dave, the same man that calls his mother every day and uses the parking brakes every single time he parks the car just like they taught him in Driver’s Ed, is actually a maniacal gambler, and knew that Mississippi has casinos.


*Rick and Dane walked around the casino looking at gamblers. Not one smile in the entire casino. Dave was one of the “happy” gamblers, sitting at the $5 blackjack table. Only the smallest bladder on the planet (or possibly an enlarged prostate) prevented him from remaining there to this day.


*While Rick attended his conference the following day, Dane & Dave went to Sun Studios and took the very cool tour there. That's Dane on the left standing in the exact spot Elvis recorded “That’s Alright Mama.” That's Dave on the right, proudly singing about getting the AAA discount even though his card had expired.


*At the media conference, Rick grabbed some lunch at Quiznos. To give you an idea what kind of a crowd attended this conference, the three people in front of Rick…
=complained about the absence of romaine lettuce on the sandwiches.
=lectured the teenager behind the counter that the “roast chicken” sandwich should be called the “tortured chicken sandwich”
AND last but not least…
=demanded to know why “vitamin water” was not available as a fountain drink.
Rick ordered the Italian with everything. The teenager behind the counter smiled.


*Rick got home from the conference just in time to break up the fight between Dane and Dave. Dane wanted to go to the Cotton Museum. Dave said he would rather be poked in the eyes by Liza Minnelli.


*That night we explored Beale Street, the party center of Memphis. After an incredible BBQ dinner, we settled in at a blues bar. After one of Dave’s three trips to the bathroom, he claimed to have spotted Dennis Quaid. Rick and Dane would have been much more impressed by Randy Quaid.


*Next stop: Pat O’Briens. The Memphis version of the famous New Orleans nightspot is almost an exact duplicate of the original. A rock and roll cover band was playing Van Halen in the courtyard. Rick and Dave wandered out to listen. Dane yelled “This is too loud!” and went to the dueling piano bar to listen to the Billy Joel medley instead.


*After a night of drinking, we stopped in for a late night burger. After we ordered the burgers, Dane noticed they weren’t being made on a grill. They were being boiled in a vat of animal fat. Mmmm.


*The night came to end when Dave’s “throbbing headache” had to be relieved with a medication cocktail that included Tylenol and Ambien.



*The following morning, the three middle aged travelers went to Graceland, where we suddenly didn’t feel so old.





*Dave got a little cocky at Graceland. He tried to get the student discount with his University of Illinois student ID card from 1985. “1985 Dave” had a full head of hair. “2007 Dave” has a gray goatee, and a shiny polished dome. The cashier didn’t go for it. This is her reaction when we tried to take her picture.



*Rick was grumbling that there weren’t any new Graceland snow domes since his last visit, so he bought an Elvis/Nixon magnet instead. This is the geek by Elvis’ grave.



*Lunch at Corky’s was the best meal of the trip…an unbelievable BBQ pork meal. Dave went to the bathroom there twice. Dane told Dave that he would make a provision in his will donating his bladder to Dave.




*After lunch, Rick and Dave took a nap. Dane went to the Cotton Museum by himself. If you ever meet him, ask to see the video. He videotaped the experience on his cell-phone, but we couldn't figure out how to upload it here.




*Not wanting to go out drinking again, the boys settled on an excursion to Arkansas for their last night. It wasn’t until they arrived at the dog track that Dane & Rick realized why Dave was so excited about this…it was attached to a casino.



*If you ever feel like you are at the lowest point in your life, remember this: You haven’t hit rock bottom until you spend a Saturday night at a dog track in Arkansas.


*Although...the bar was serving 20 ounce Michelob beers for 50 cents a piece. Rick had three dollars in his pocket and a song in his heart.





*Dane picked the winners of the first two dog races. After that, not so much. This is Dane tearing up his betting slips.




*Dave got in a poker game, and was one $250 pot away from losing everything. When he didn’t lose the hand, he got out, and didn’t return. Although, he did stop at the video poker machines on his way back from his second bathroom trip.



*The night ended when Rick got heartburn. He bought Pepto Bismol in the hotel gift shop…at the nicer hotel next door.




*The next morning when we checked out of the hotel, Dave asked the clerk to name the most famous person who ever stayed at their hotel. She said: “The tall guy from the TV show ‘Martin’ had his family reunion here.” Top that.


*The next day the middle aged travelers arrived at the airport two and a half hours before their flight so they could watch the Bears-Seahawks playoff game.



*With fifty seconds left in the tied game, the airline announced… “Chicago fans, this is your last call for boarding. We’re going to give away your tickets if you don’t board right now.” An audible groan went up in the airport bar. We walked down the tunnel toward the airplane not knowing if the game went to overtime or not. Dave, Dane and Rick tried to convince everyone to draw straws to see who would fake a heart attack in the tunnel to delay the flight.


*The flight attendant was British. She announced the football game result this way: “I’m not sure what this means, but the team from Chicago…I’m told they are known as the Bears…scored… is it called a field goal? Yes. In any case, they won the American football contest.” We cheered, but we suddenly all felt stupid for caring.


So, was our middle aged road trip fun? I know it might not sound like it, but we had a great time. Will we do it again? Probably.

Next time, though, Dave is getting a catheter.