The FCC is back in the news recently because of the heavy fines they imposed on television and radio stations (and networks) for indecency. This, of course, is not a new thing. It's been a constant battle for decades. While I was the producer of the Steve and Garry Show on WLUP AM 1000, we were cited by the FCC for indecency.
I won't argue the subjective nature of the term. Instead, I'll just site the three different definitions of what is considered obscene material by the Supreme Court.
1) An average person, applying contemporary community standards would find the material, as a whole, appeals to the prurient interest.
2) The material depicts or describes, in a patently offensive manner as measured by community standards, sexual or excretory conduct.
3) The material, taken as a whole, lacks serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value.
Do you understand this? Neither do broadcasters. In 1991 (just after I stepped down as Steve and Garry's producer), it led me to write the following column for Chicago Advertising and Media Magazine. Back then I was a sarcastic 20-something. Now I'm a sarcastic 40-something. The FCC hasn't changed much either.
The F.C.C Rules!By Rick Kaempfer
I have a confession to make. Outgoing FCC Chairman Al Sikes is a hero of mine. That isn't a statement that will make many friends in the broadcasting industry. Chairman Sikes is one of the most unpopular people ever to hold that position. Yet, I'd like to come to his defense. He has, after all, accomplished two things for which he hasn't gotten enough credit. He has made radio "safe" for children, and he has turned the F.C.C into a viable money making operation.
Sikes made cleaning up radio one of his priorities when he took over. He oversaw changes in the rules that made it a fineable offense to discuss bodily functions of any kind on the radio. He was the visionary that realized radio was responsible for turning America's children into foul-mouthed little devils. It's hard to believe now, but just a few years ago children were saying nasty rhymes like "Beans, Beans, They're good for your heart, the more you eat the more you fart." and "Nanny Nanny Boo Boo, Stick your head in doo doo." Pardon my French, but I print these graphic rhymes to illustrate a point. Thanks to the new rule, obscene childhood rhymes like these, are a thing of the past.
I admire his morality, but few moral men manage to combine this with such an acute business sense. He knew that every city had at least a few wacky morning shows. He also knew that these shows ventured into the area of dirty jokes occasionally. Think of your top ten favorite jokes. Are any of them dirty? Don't get me wrong, that Bob Hope is a funny funny guy, but even he also surrounds himself with buxom babes and makes off-color references. And he is America's cleanest comic. So, when Chairman Sikes expanded the rules to also prohibit any words "depicting a sex act", he was displaying his genius business sense. He was just opening up the coffers and letting the money come in. He just waited for letters from outraged "listeners". Case closed, we have a letter to prove it. Now if you wouldn't mind sending us a few thousand dollars, and just make the check out to "The United States Government". Sikes was starting up his own deficit reduction plan before it was fashionable.
Unfortunately, there is a downside to all of this. Sikes is stepping down, and his replacement has some mighty big shoes to fill. Luckily, I have a few suggestions that will carry on the quest of Chairman Sikes, allowing his successor to protect America's children and reduce the deficit at the same time. The new Chairman will come out smelling like a rose, because he or she will have sniffed out the only real problem areas my hero didn't address.
Since Sikes has gotten that pesky First Amendment out of the way, the first order of business should be an outright ban of the words "Less Talk" and "Non-stop music". These may be the most dangerous words of all. Studies have shown that children exposed to disc jockeys saying "Less Talk" every 3 1/2 minutes, lose the ability to reason. These same studies suggest that hearing the phrase "non-stop music" while the music is being stopped, permanently damages a child's capacity for logic. For America's sake, please ban these words. Who knows, this may also be a money making opportunity until the disc jockeys get used to avoiding these phrases.
The second suggestion is long overdue. It is time to ban "Two-first name disc jockeys". Every station has at least one of these. What kind of a message are we sending America's ethnic children? Program directors have an inbred fear of ethnic names. They hire a Bob Sosnowski, and soon the radio public will hear a "Bob Michaels". It's standard. They say; "Just use your middle name and put an "s" at the end of it." On the surface, the logic is sound. You will never forget your new name because your mother used to call you that when she was mad; "Robert Michael, you're in big trouble, young man!" Yet, what kind of a message is radio sending little Spiro Stopanopolis? He is being told he is "different", and will never be allowed to say "less talk" on the radio. This rule is vital and destined to be a big money maker for the F.C.C. Sock it to 'em. Lets get a few bucks back into the treasury of the "Good 'Ol U.S. of A."
I feel very strongly about my free advice. I'm even thinking about changing my name as a protest if these new rules are not enacted. My middle name is James, so from now on, call me "Rick James". Wait a minute. That one is already taken. Wow, I wonder if his real name is "Kaempfer"? Come to think of it, he does look like he could be German.
