They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.
As men in our 40s, we're due for a midlife crisis. This is the age that many men get a girlfriend or drastically alter their lives. Since we're not getting girlfriends (we would implode with self hate)--it looks like we'll have to drastically alter our lives. This is our first attempt...
A few weeks ago, just after Meredith Viera announced she was going to the Today Show, we sent the following e-mail to Barbara Walters at The View. Alas, she decided to go with a "name" and a "woman"--Rosie O'Donnell, and all we got back was a lousy form letter response. We'll break through one of these days...
Dear Ms. Walters:
Congratulations on the great success of The View.
We read with great interest about Meredith Viera’s impending departure from the show, and while we were grieved that she would no longer be one of the gals, we just know you and the producers will choose an excellent replacement.
We’re sure there have been hundreds if not thousands of applicants already, but we wanted to alert you to two candidates you might not know.
In our opinion, the perfect candidate for The View is well-educated, thoughtful, entertaining, intelligent, sexy, strong and feminine. We realize this is a little unorthodox, but we would like to nominate ourselves for this job, because both of us fit the bill so perfectly. In order to be a little less self-serving, we’ll nominate each other.
“I think Dave Stern would be the perfect replacement for Meredith Viera. I know, I know, he’s a man. However, he was nominated as ‘Fem of the Year’ by his classmates on the playground when he was young, and while he’s not attracted to men per se, he does have three daughters and will someday ‘closely examine’ the men who date them. He also throws like a girl. Dave is well-educated and intelligent—he has a masters degree in Advertising—and thoughtful. How many people do you know who call their mother every day to see if she’s OK? As for sexy, this man is a paper salesman. If that doesn’t ooze sex appeal, I don’t know what does.”
--Rick Kaempfer
“I think Rick Kaempfer would be the perfect replacement for Meredith Viera. Granted, he’s also a man. But you should feel how soft his hands are...they feel like a baby’s bottom. He’s also a stay at home Dad (three boys) who cooks and cleans. Isn’t that sexy? (Although just between you and me, the poor dear has kind of let himself go.) As for entertaining, he was in radio for twenty years. He even wrote a book called “The Radio Producer’s Handbook.” Think how great it would be to have a co-host that could help produce the show! As for intelligence, his sons are pretty smart, so even though his intelligence isn’t exactly ‘on the surface,’ it has to be in there somewhere or his boys wouldn’t be so smart.”
--Dave Stern
I know it will be difficult to choose between us, but please keep in mind that we aren’t competitive and won’t be offended if you choose only one of us. The other promises to remain a fan of the show.
Best regards,
Rick Kaempfer (choose me) & Dave Stern (choose me)
UPDATE: According to recent gossip, Star Jones may also be leaving the show soon. We have another letter ready to go--just in case.
Of course, another requirement of a mid-life crisis is complete and utter self-delusion. That's why we've decided to go ahead with the following plan: Please click here: http://www.petitiononline.com/thewho69/petition.html and sign our petition to have our faces included on Mount Rushmore. We already have 3 signatures.
We have started accumulating our "Half Empty" columns here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com
