They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.
"Dirty Old Men"By Rick Kaempfer and Dave Stern
It was the summer of our 40th birthday. A group of us (all turning 40) gathered in New Orleans to relive our glory years and pretend like we could still party like 20-somethings. It was just the guys. All wives were left behind in our respective home towns...all happily allowing their pathetic aging husbands go to New Orleans for three days of decadence.
And we were having a great time too. Unlike our youthful partying days, we even had a few dollars in our pockets to enjoy great meals in addition to the many, many, many drinks we were consuming. And though we started to feel younger simply by being back in a non-stop partying town, there was also one moment that made us face reality.
If you’ve never been to Bourbon Street, let’s just say that the way gals earn those cheap plastic beads is an eye-popping experience. It happens time and time again, often within a few feet of where you are standing. Right there. Slightly below eye level. Accompanied by a big smile.
“Hello fresh air,” parts of them say. “Yes it is a little cold out here.”
What we didn’t realize at the time is that the audience for these free shows is chosen for its non-threatening nature. They look for men with beads—standing far away, say on balconies—or for men close by who wouldn’t dream of being a problem...
We weren’t on balconies. We didn’t have beads. And we were given show after show after show without even requesting it.
Our suspicions were officially confirmed under direct cross-examination. One young lady seemed to be following us around, earning beads after beads from nearby balcony residents. One of us jokingly said to her...
“I guess you don’t have to worry about us, huh?”
“That’s for sure,” she said.
Ouch.
Of course, she’s absolutely correct. We’re beyond harmless. Even our internal fantasies end abruptly with thoughts of divorce court, splitting up our property, and waving goodbye to our children, our wives, and our lives.
On the other hand, that doesn’t mean we don’t notice things. We’re not dead. We’re only half-way there. Our eyes are still working reasonably well. What else do we notice?
*The Spanish Language channels
When we’re channel surfing, and we come to the Spanish language channels, we stop. We admit it. We don’t speak Spanish, and we can’t follow anything that is being said, yet we stop. It’s not for the soccer games.*Elimi-Date
This show is so wrong. One man has five women fighting over him. These young trashy women are willing to say or do anything to the other women on the show in order to get their man. It’s demeaning to women. It teaches women all the wrong values. And we stop every time we’re flipping past it.*Princesses
OK, this is going to sound sick, but someone has to admit this. All of the cartoon princesses, and we mean all of them, are easy on the eyes (and since they are of marrying age—all of them are legal too). Jasmine could have been the girl in New Orleans following us around—in fact she looked just like her. Cinderella cooks, cleans, and let’s face it, she’s a knockout. As for Snow White, she even sings while she cleans. And Sleeping Beauty...she has the word “Beauty” in her name—AND she would let us sleep in. Is that all? No, of course not. There are many other examples of noticing things with our eyes, but let us explain how this works in the minds of dirty old men (at least in our case). It’s the same thing every time. There are really six steps.
1. Whoa, look at that.
2. Wow, can you imagine...
3. Stop it, sicko. You’re old enough to be her father.
4. Look at what you’ve done! Everything you’ve worked for, this wonderful loving family and wife—and you’re going to throw it all away for a princess?
5. Change the channel.
6. Ah, a sporting event.
Every time our wives come into the room and complain that we’re watching yet another sporting event, we just take the punishment. We deserve it, and they don’t even realize why. Because if they knew, they wouldn’t be complaining that we’re watching sporting events.
On the other hand, when the women suddenly sit down and watch the sporting events with us, they aren’t just marveling at the athletic ability of the soaring, powerful, muscle-bound, tank-top wearing basketball stars with big feet, are they? What did that last breathless “Oh My” really mean?
Where’s the remote? I think Elimi-Date is on channel 6.
We have started accumulating our "Half Empty" columns here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com
