Half Empty: Nine Fine Restaurant Whines

They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.








By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern









You know those little moments that irk you, that get your blood pressure boiling for no good reason, that make you grit your teeth and pretend you aren’t incredibly irritated? You don’t say anything because it’s obvious that whatever is bothering you is your problem—not anyone else’s—and why should you bother other people with something that is probably just a pet peeve?

Ah, but there’s your mistake. A glass of fine whine goes with any dish. When you get a taste for it, stop by and visit one of us. Our whine cellars are particularly well-stocked.

For instance, we have nine fine whines to get you started. All of these are served in restaurants.


1. Musicians at Mexican Restaurants
The only thing more unsettling than a man strumming a guitar five inches from your face while you’re trying to eat a burrito is a man standing five inches from your face singing a song in a language you don’t understand while you’re trying to eat a burrito. We don’t need the atmosphere, we need the burrito.

2. Smiley Faces
The actual smiley face logo is irritating enough, but when it’s drawn on a check by a waitress? Hey, Cindi, Jenni and Brittani (they all end in “i” don’t they?), stop wasting your time drawing smiley faces and get us our patty melts. And listen, the dot above an “i” is even called a dot. You can’t draw a face on a dot.

3. Steaks
A steak is made of beef. Period. When you start calling something a tofu-steak, you’ve officially crossed the line.


4. Egg Rolls
To all the Thai Restaurants that call spring rolls, “egg rolls;” here’s the drill: ”Egg Rolls” are big, tasty, and deep-fried, while “Spring Rolls” well um…suck.



5. Restaurant Restrooms
Look, we understand you’re trying to be delicate here, but there’s not a person in the world that rests in this room—especially in public. Can’t we call this room what it really is, or will that upset the civility of our nation? Also, we know that you’re an ethnic restaurant and therefore think it’s cute to label these doors in the language of the food you’re serving, but consider this: If we’re desperate enough to actually use public toilets, we may not have the few extra moments it takes to figure out which room is for us. Try these words out: “Men” and “Women.” Got it, Monsieur?


6. The Table Closest to the Smoking Section
If one table is in the smoking section, the table right next to it can’t be in the non-smoking section. You might not realize this, but smoke has a tendency to move in the air—and sometimes it moves even more than a foot or two. We’re trying to inhale our schnitzels not your tar.

7. Small, Medium, Large
Those are the only acceptable sizes. This isn’t just a grievance against the biggest and most obvious violator of this rule; Starbucks. Go to a Burger King sometime and ask for a small drink. Their smallest size is medium. Listen, pal—if it’s your smallest size, then it’s called small.

8. Fast Food is called that for a reason
Special orders may not upset the restaurants, but they reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally upset the people in line behind you. We’re not going to a fast food restaurant because of the high quality food; we’re going because we want something fast. It’s the most important word in the phrase “Fast Food.” When you order something off the menu that they have to make special, you’re no longer eating fast food. You’re eating slow food. But more importantly, you're making us eat slow food...and that makes us cranky.


9. Dress Codes
Does it really upset the gentleman at another table that we’re wearing sneakers under our damn table where he can’t even see them? Are we getting silverware tonight, or will we be eating this dinner with our shirt collars? We don’t know if you realize this, but something like 80% of all restaurants fail. If there are empty tables and you don’t let us in because we’re wearing the wrong shoes or shirt, we wish you the total and absolute failure you deserve.


Whew.


See what we mean? A little “whine” can really relax you after a long day of work or play. Try it yourself. Send in some of yours by clicking “comments” below.

We’ll post some of yours in a future column.