Thanks to "HJ" for sending these to me...
Q: You used to work for Lehman Brothers? How do you make a living now?
A: I sell furniture. My own.
Banker: Take me to the bankruptcy court.
Cabbie: Here we are. $20 please.
Banker: Well, I guess you better come in too.
Q: What do you say to a banker with a steady job?
A: Two Big Macs and one large fries.
Q: What’s the definition of optimism?
A: An investment banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday evening.
An investment banker said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one in the street yesterday.
A man went to his bank manager and said: ‘I’d like to start a small business. How do I go about it?’ ‘Simple,’ said the bank manager. ‘Buy a big one and wait.’
The credit crunch is getting bad, isn’t it? I mean, I let my brother borrow a tenner a couple of weeks back, it turns out I’m now Britain’s fourth biggest lender.
Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
A: A pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A: The pizza can still feed a family of four.
Q: What does a hedge fund manager with no fund to manage say?
A: Would you like fries with that sir?
Q: What is the capital of Iceland?
A: About $3.50
I tried to get cash from the ATM today but it said “insufficient funds.” I don’t know if that meant them or me.
Mark Twain was ahead of the curve: “October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.”
Doctor: Bad news, you have only three weeks to live.
Sales Broker: On what?
Q: Have you ever been arrested?
Structurer: No.
Q: Why?
Structurer: Never got caught.
CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer
BULL MARKET - Statements made by banks to get you to buy their stocks
BEAR MARKET - A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex
VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower
P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market plunges
BROKER — What your broker has made you
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell
STOCK ANALYST – The shrink who’s treating your depressed financial advisor
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks
CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
