This week I begin my last week in my 50s. In celebration of that, I'm dipping into the archives every day this week to feature something I've written in the past. This particular piece is a Father Knows Nothing column from 2008. Sean was 6 years old at the time. He is now almost 20. It isn't in the final copy of the book, but it still brings back fond memories for me.
A letter I expect to receive
Dear Mr Kaempfer:
I represent your youngest son Sean in the matter of Kaempfer vs. Kaempfer,
Kaempfer, Kaempfer, & Kaempfer.
My client concedes that his wallet often includes many many more dollars
than he should have at any given time, and he understands why this has aroused
your suspicions and led to charges of intra-family theft. However, before you
and the rest of the parties to this matter continue to levy these
unsubstantiated charges, please consider the following…
*No one has ever witnessed my client actually taking money from someone
else. Just because your wallet is short $5 and his wallet has $5 extra doesn’t
prove a thing. The police department cannot and will not pursue this matter
without an eye-witness account.
*My client’s claim of "magical money powers" has never been
disproved. The burden of proof here clearly falls on the shoulders of those
accusing him of theft.
*My client is quite cute and has been known to receive money from old people
simply because of that cuteness.
*While my client has been known to say "finders keepers, losers
weepers," this in no way proves that he is picking up any and all change
he finds around the house and keeping it. It’s quite possible that he has some
sort of a magnetic imbalance in his pocket-area that attracts the coins. Surely
medical considerations should be taken into account.
*Has anyone considered that he may have earned that money legitimately?
While gambling isn’t technically legal for someone his age, it also isn’t
technically theft. Ban his gambling today, and you’ll kill his dream of playing
professional Go Fish tomorrow.
*Even if someone were to prove that my client had illicitly acquired a few
extra dollars from around the house, isn’t his mathematical development
important to you? Keeping track of smaller denominations may be good training
for a lesser mathematical mind, but surely adding and multiplying larger
denominations will facilitate his mathematical growth. Consider any
"lost" money an investment in his future earning potential, which
could, in fact, pay for your inevitable nursing home care.
My client is a very reasonable 6-year-old and is willing to forgive and
forget any previous accusations without pursuing legal action at this time. On
the other hand, a payment in the three-figure range would provide a soothing
balm to his pain and suffering.
Respectfully,
Shirley Cheatum
Dewey, Cheatum & Howe, Attorneys at Law
