This is one of my favorite conversations from the pages of my book Father Knows Nothing.
It features an 8-year-old Johnny discussing the subject of eating snow with an even younger Sean (4 years old). As they got their boots and snowsuits on, I was listening in around the corner and recorded it for posterity. So happy I did!
Sean: Why did Dad say we shouldn’t eat snow?
Johnny: He just means the yucky snow.
Sean: What’s the yucky snow?
Johnny: Anything that isn’t white.
Sean: All snow is white.
Johnny: Nuh uh. Sometimes it’s gray or black. That means it’s dirty. If you eat it, it’s like you’re eating mud.
Sean: What if it’s blue?
Johnny: It’s never blue.
Sean: What if it is?
Johnny: It won’t be. It could be yellow, though. Don’t eat that. It’s animal pee. And brown is animal—
Sean: What if it’s green?
Johnny: That’s just the grass underneath it.
Sean: What if it’s orange?
Johnny: It won’t be orange.
Sean: But if it’s a snowman’s nose, it could be orange. Snowmans have orange noses.
Johnny: They do not.
Sean: (forcefully) YES THEY DO. They have carrots.
Johnny: Fine.
Sean: What if it’s red?
Johnny: That’s blood.
Sean: No, it’s not. It’s diarrhea.
Johnny: (forcefully) NO, it’s NOT. Diarrhea is brown.
Sean: I had red diarrhea one time.
Johnny: No you didn’t.
Sean: (forcefully) YES I DID.
Johnny: Not outside in the snow.
(LONG SILENCE)
Sean: Maybe an animal has red diarrhea.
Johnny: What kind of animal?
Sean: A red fire Pokemon.
Johnny: Those aren’t real.
Sean: What about a cardinal?
Johnny: All birds have white poop.
(LONG SILENCE)
Sean: But I thought you said that white snow…
Johnny: Uh oh.
It features an 8-year-old Johnny discussing the subject of eating snow with an even younger Sean (4 years old). As they got their boots and snowsuits on, I was listening in around the corner and recorded it for posterity. So happy I did!
Johnny: He just means the yucky snow.
Sean: What’s the yucky snow?
Johnny: Anything that isn’t white.
Sean: All snow is white.
Johnny: Nuh uh. Sometimes it’s gray or black. That means it’s dirty. If you eat it, it’s like you’re eating mud.
Sean: What if it’s blue?
Johnny: It’s never blue.
Sean: What if it is?
Johnny: It won’t be. It could be yellow, though. Don’t eat that. It’s animal pee. And brown is animal—
Sean: What if it’s green?
Johnny: That’s just the grass underneath it.
Sean: What if it’s orange?
Johnny: It won’t be orange.
Sean: But if it’s a snowman’s nose, it could be orange. Snowmans have orange noses.
Johnny: They do not.
Sean: (forcefully) YES THEY DO. They have carrots.
Johnny: Fine.
Sean: What if it’s red?
Johnny: That’s blood.
Sean: No, it’s not. It’s diarrhea.
Johnny: (forcefully) NO, it’s NOT. Diarrhea is brown.
Sean: I had red diarrhea one time.
Johnny: No you didn’t.
Sean: (forcefully) YES I DID.
Johnny: Not outside in the snow.
(LONG SILENCE)
Sean: Maybe an animal has red diarrhea.
Johnny: What kind of animal?
Sean: A red fire Pokemon.
Johnny: Those aren’t real.
Sean: What about a cardinal?
Johnny: All birds have white poop.
(LONG SILENCE)
Sean: But I thought you said that white snow…
Johnny: Uh oh.
Here's one more. It didn't quite make the final book, but it was featured in a Father Knows Nothing column. In honor of Alice Cooper's birthday this week, This was written in
2013, the day the boys had to go back to school. To the tune of “School’s Out”.
Well we’ll have no noise,
No screaming girls or boys,
No toys left to destroy,
No siblings to annoy,
Well, we can’t help smiling,
Watching you pout,
Don’t let the door hit ya,
On the way out.
School’s Back in Session
School’s Back For Autumn
School, They’re All Yours Now
No more “I’m bored”,
No “When’s Lunches?”
No more Wii games leading to
punches,
While they’re sitting in class,
And hoping that they pass,
Our stereo’s at full blast,
Where’s my cocktail glass?
School’s Back in Session
School’s Back Completely,
School, They’re All Yours Now
*A few more tidbits...
Bonus Father Knows Nothing from 2011: Snowstorm.
Ronald Reagan's Entry in EveryCubEver
