A reminder After 6 long months of cold and winter, we are finally coming up to Summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put into motion: Here's the routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes
dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man who
is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation. Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins,
sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. AND
MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women....
As you might imagine, this got some feedback from my male readers, including Chris Lundberg. I liked his response so much, I asked him to write an entire guest blog about it. Chris is program coordinator at the Mathematics & Science Center in Richmond, Virginia, a consortium which serves the school districts in the metropolitan Richmond area. He is a lifelong Virginia resident, and his writing includes such fun-filled areas as grant funding and mission statements, instructional materials, ghost-writing for a college president, storyboarding lessons and activities for interactive educational websites, professional journal articles, and even composing direct-mail solicitations for his alma mater, Randolph-Macon College. Over the course of his years in education, he has been a teacher, university adjunct instructor, school administrator, program and instructional supervisor, and even a college fund-raiser. He has made numerous presentations at the local, state, and national level in the areas of science instruction, learning styles, and gifted education. His main affiliation is his wife of 20 years, the former Anne Hyde of Wheaton, Illinois. Among their references are their five children, Katie, Bridget, Nora, Sarah, and Stanley.
And yes, he does has a slightly different take on the subject of BBQ...
Where’s the Meat?
By Chris Lundberg
After enjoying the Monday Morning Joke Column (April 3) by “W” with the female’s take on barbecue cooking, I felt compelled to respond with the male point of view. What about the REST OF THE STORY of the events that occur during that time period (often lengthy) between putting the meat on the grill and taking the meat off of the grill?
Observe any normal meat-eating male, let’s say, presented with such appetizing offerings from soybean tofu to vegetarian lasagna. You can provide him a veritable smorgasbord of gourmet food, but omit the REAL main course and you will hear him exclaim, “Where’s the meat?” It is just such a person who can fully appreciate the gentle care, indeed, “hand-cultivation” involved in preparing the true perfect meal, whether it be steak, brat, chicken, or burger (or even horse).
So now that the spring season is upon us, let’s take a closer look to see that the barbecue is a complex series of activities revealing the highly advanced husbandry abilities of the suburban male. Here from the Commonwealth of Virginia, home of the barbecue and the State of hams, cotton, peanuts, bourbon, and Robert E. Lee, is a checklist for a whole host of specific BBQ behaviors; such as…
*Multitasking by engaging in witty conversation and entertaining guests while flipping and turning each individual piece of meat with equal aplomb….
*Embodying the true spirit of the BBQ by firing up the charcoal instead of a gas grill…
*The subtle art of regulating the proper cooking temperature by pouring beer onto the flames that get too high….
*More multitasking by laughing at lame jokes by guests and congenially acknowledging their political, social, and religious observations (the requisite host “head nod” of recognition vs. one of agreement – a particularly challenging task to pull off)…
*The sheer creativity of substituting gasoline for lighter fluid when in a pinch…
*Holding to the suburban man code of maintaining nonchalance while trying to ascertain if the meat is ready…
*Offering cigars to guests to enjoy and to add to the BBQ incense (indeed, a holy smoke) arising from the grill…
*The simple act itself of turning the meat (a true middle class art form)…
*Even more multitasking by holding “court” on a variety of topics ranging from the Cubs’ prospects this year to how to keep the squirrels from eating the tulip bulbs to the merits of the straight 6 vs. the V-6 cylinder engine…
*The selfless act of providing a gathering place for men at the altar of the grill of self-actualization…
*Going the extra mile and warming the buns on the outside edges of the grill…
And finally, above all, the character to resist experimenting at the grill and proudly announce, “Hey y’all… watch this….!”
Is it any wonder that it’s the MEAT that counts on any menu? And, why do you think the list of what’s on for supper is called a “MEN-u?” Meat is deep in the DNA of us hunter-gatherers and no amount of unique side-dishes nor elegantly appointed table settings can change that.
Now that you know THE REAL STORY of what goes on during the BBQ, you can easily see that this event is indeed a “night off” for the wife. In fact, it’s almost like going out to dinner. She does not have to concern herself with any comments whatsoever about the quality of her cooking. Furthermore, the amount of real time she will spend on the meal is virtually zip. It is a given that the other guests will pitch in with not only the preparation of the “other stuff” to be consumed, but also the clean-up. This leaves her the luxury to “invest” the majority of her time in leisurely, pleasant conversation with the other spouses while you do the lion’s share of work.
I rest my case. Cooking is all about the MEAT, so let’s light the fires and give our spouses a night off this weekend!
Now, what are we having for dessert?
If you ever go to Richmond for BBQ--go here: (personally recommended by Chris)
If you missed any of the previous guest bloggers, click here: http://rickkaempferguestbloggers.blogspot.com
