They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
You know those little moments that irk you, that get your blood pressure boiling for no good reason, that make you grit your teeth and pretend you aren’t incredibly irritated? You don’t say anything because it’s obvious that whatever is bothering you is your problem—not anyone else’s—and why should you bother other people with something that is probably just a pet peeve?
Ah, but there’s your mistake. A glass of fine whine goes with any dish. When you get a taste for it, stop by and visit one of us. Our whine cellars are particularly well-stocked.
Today we’re serving nine fine television whines.
1. Labeling something as a “Reenactment”
“Honey, look! They have film of George Washington crossing the Delaware! Oh...never mind. I didn’t see the graphic on the bottom of the screen there. It’s a reenactment.”
2. Joan Cusack, Rita Cosby & Ryan SeacrestJoan Cusack’s contorted face on those cell-phone commercials is like a dagger in our eyes. Rita Cosby’s voice sounds like she gargling with razorblades while smoking. And Ryan Seacrest’s career is the most inexplicable American phenomenon since John Davidson. We’re hoping he’ll have similar staying power.
3. The volume on cable television ads.
We’re both wearing casts on our volume-control thumb from switching it back and forth during the commercials. LOUD, soft, LOUD, soft, LOUD, soft. Aarrrgh.
4. Yes, we see you! You’re on TV!
Like, that was so cool. The TV reporter was talking about the grisly crime scene details, and you were like, so totally hopping up and down behind him. We saw your Megadeth t-shirt! Did you TIVO it?
5. And they’re worried about the content of the shows?The FCC may be fining television networks for objectionable content in their shows, but they obviously aren’t watching the commercials. Any commercial that talks about a four hour erection shouldn’t be on TV. Any commercial featuring a mother and daughter talking about douching shouldn’t be on TV. Any commercial that mentions “loose stool” shouldn’t be on TV. Please, we beg you.
6. Post-Speech Coverage
“Joining us now to give analysis of the politician’s speech is the best man at his wedding--the godfather of his child--and the man who wrote the speech. What did you think of the speech? And next to him is the sworn enemy of the politician, a man who has written eight books criticizing everything the politician has ever said or done. What did you think of the speech?”
7. Traffic reports on television
Why? No, really. Why?
8. Acting in Enterprise Car Rental Commercials
We appreciate that they’re saving money on actors so our rates are lower, but couldn’t they find anyone better than Nick from Accounting?
9. Production values on tragic news reports
“Ooh, this is going to be a bad story. Listen to that sad music. Wait for it...wait for it...here comes the...sound effect stinger. Yup. This one’s going to be tragic.”
Got any others? Click on the word “Comments” below. Every response goes directly to Rick’s e-mail. We’ll feature some of the best ones in Friday’s post.
To see the rest of the Half Empty columns, click here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com
