This is Dave with his three daughters. As you can see...Dave is...um...follically-challenged.
Last year he wrote the following column. After reading this, we both realized there was potential here. Six months later we had written an entire book, "The Bald Handbook".
I asked him if he would allow me to publish the original column as this week's Guest Blog, and he graciously agreed.
Bald
By Dave Stern
It was one of those “I’ll never forget where I was when I found out” events.
The year was 1989 and I was at your typical nondescript Seven Eleven. After grabbing an extra large bag of Funyons and one of those fruit hybrid drinks (I’m almost certain it was Guava/Nectarine), I deftly ambled to the counter where the clerk was cleaning the green and red sludgey ice drink machine and had his back turned. Not wanting to be rude, I waited patiently for the clerk’s attention and spent the brief moment reconsidering my drink choice mainly because I had no idea what a guava was. After deciding that the right choice had been made, I glanced toward the little closed-circuit TV behind the counter.
On the screen, I watched a man who was easily ten years older than me waiting at a similar counter. Coincidentally, he was wearing the exact same Hawaiian shirt that I was. What I couldn’t understand was why this Seven Eleven was interested in the counter of one of their other locations. Some Harvard MBA must have thought it would encourage company togetherness, I surmised. Anyway, after a few seconds I raised my hand to my mouth and did the, “hey Ramesh stop cleaning the friggin machine and ring me up” cough when I noticed that the older man on the screen did the exact same thing. How could this be? Had I stumbled into some weird convenience store parallel universe? I raised my hand, so did the old guy. I shook my head, so did the old guy. This was eerie. I mean this guy was my identical twin if not for the fact that he had the beginnings of a pretty nice bald spot.
Uh-OH.
It’s been fifteen years since I first diagnosed my problem and I have to say I thought I was doing OK. I’d gone through all the stages: Denial – That’s not me on that TV screen, Anger – Crap that’s me on that TV screen, Bargaining – Dear God, I’ll never again mix carbs and proteins in the same meal if you give me my hair back, Depression – I look like Denis Franz and finally Acceptance – Oh well, at least I don't have to buy shampoo. I had gotten to a place where I accepted my fate and actually felt good about myself.
Then it happened.
A simple little statement uttered by the lowest form of humanity, a fullhead.. An insensitive remark that cut to the core of my being and made me regress three stages. I am of course talking about the words, “Look, I’m losing my hair”. This wouldn’t have hurt if the lowlife who uttered these words was also on the combover superhighway. Nope. They came from a guy who currently has more hair than I did in the sixth grade. Either he really did believe he was losing it or he was the most heinous creature to walk the earth.
Let's assume his motives were pure. Did he think I would empathize or show him our secret handshake? Did he think I would take him to some frontal tuft fluff up clinic? Buck up pal, there’s no hand holding in this cruel world.
So here’s a little advice to those who need to pull back their hair and shine a high watt halogen bulb to see their scalp: Don’t peddle your wares to us bald guys. As the saying goes, anything that doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Let’s just say we’re stronger than you could ever be. We don't need your help, or your comments, or your sympathy, or your breath. Unless you can feel a rain drop travel from the top of your head to your ear unimpeded, please keep your thoughts to yourself. Even then, this is one instance where misery does not love company.
Whew. OK, back to stage three bargaining.
Dear God, I’ll never again have Rick’s mail forwarded to Guam if you give me my hair back.
(click here for more bald humor... http://thebaldhandbook.blogspot.com but consider yourself warned--it's co-written by someone I consider a damn fullhead: Rick)
Have you been following the bald controversy in the Chicago Tribune? I have.
John Kass column
To see the other guest bloggers, click here: http://rickkaempferguestbloggers.blogspot.com
