They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.
10 Questions You Should Never Ask Your HusbandBy Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
A few weeks ago we shared some of our vast knowledge of women to help the younger generation avoid the many mistakes that we’ve made over the years. Many women wrote to us to say that we were on the money with our assessments, and really appreciated our gentle jabbing of our fellow man.
Think about this: as well as we understand women, we understand men even better. Especially married men.
That’s why we present this common sense advice for the wives of America to help them better understand and appreciate their husbands. Follow our advice and you’ll find that many, if not all, of the arguments in your marriage will disappear immediately. No need to thank us. It’s a public service.
There really is only one simple rule that all wives should adhere to: Don’t Ask Too Many Questions. Most problems start here. Simply eliminate the following ten questions from your daily life and enjoy your newfound serenity.
1) What you are thinking about?
When you see us looking pensive, seemingly pondering the mysteries of life, you can’t help yourself, can you? You simply have to know what we’re thinking about. When we say “nothing,” you think we must be harboring some deep dark secret. Actually, no. We’re thinking about nothing. We can really do that. In fact, we do it all the time.
2) Are you really going to wear that shirt?
What was your first tip off? The fact that we PUT IT ON OUR TORSO?
3) How do you like my new haircut?
We hate it. It’s true. We always hate your haircuts at first because we don’t like change. Within a few weeks we won’t want you to change it again. Ask us then.
4) Are you using my bath gel and conditioner?
First off, do you really want to know? Second, since when is indulging in an energizing body cleanser with natural fruit extracts a crime? If we can’t be free to gently wash away impurities without the drying effects of soap, the terrorists have won. Also, bald(ing) guys like to revitalize every chance they get, cut us some slack.
5) When will this game be over?
We don’t have control over that. If we did, we would be on the phone to the dugout whenever we could. “Um, listen, Ozzie, if you don’t mind, tell your guys to swing at a few more pitches. The wife is getting restless.”
6) What do you mean by, “It’s Fine”?
When we say, “It’s Fine” it means that it’s fine. Some things are better left unsaid. If you make tofu egg salad and ask us what we think; if we answer “It’s Fine,” please just drop it. If you think we can determine that there was too much Anise or not enough Arrowroot Powder, you don’t even know who we are.
7) Does the baby have a full diaper?
Look, we love you, and we love this child, but the only way we’ll ever answer this question honestly is if we suddenly leave the room for no apparent reason. Then you have your answer.
8) Do you want me to drive?
The answer to this question is always “NO.” Period. It’s not that we don’t like the way you drive...although, wow, you really can’t drive, can you? Don’t worry, you have other good qualities.
9) What did I just say?
This kind of “gotcha” game isn’t becoming to an intellectual like you. Are you implying that we weren’t listening? Well, that’s just insulting. Now go on with your monologue. We were captivated.
10) Which paint do you like better for the family room, egg shell 212 or egg shell 311?
WE DON”T CARE. You know why? Because there is no difference! If you show us two swatches and we point to one and say, “that one,” it’s because we’re hoping beyond all hope that that’s the one you like. If it’s not, just pick the one you like. We’re not going to know the difference.
I’m sure some of you might have some other questions that should never be asked. Feel free to contribute them by clicking on the word “comments” below, or by clicking on the e-mail link at the top right hand side of this blog.
If you want to read previous “Half Empty” columns, click here: http://halfemptyarchives.blogspot.com
