They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.
Nine Ways To Attract A Man
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
Every time we go to the supermarket, we’re blown away by the headlines on the women’s magazines by the checkout counter.
This is just a sampling of the headlines we wrote down on a recent excursion...
=What guys notice: 20 things that turn their heads
=How to master the seven essential sex styles
=Are you good in bed? Take our quiz.
=His & Hers summer sex confessions
=Double your pleasure with these sexcercises
=Pssst. 100 secrets his body wants you to know
=12 little tricks to steam up your love life
=The sex he craves
The target audience for these magazines is 18-34 year old females. Correct us if we’re wrong, but is there a single female in that age bracket having a hard time exciting the man in her life?
Maybe it’s just because we’re not in that target age group anymore, and maybe it’s because we’re both married and not looking, but if it helps stop these pointless articles, we are prepared to break the “man code” and reveal the truth to young women everywhere.
There are exactly nine ways to attract a man. Follow these simple rules, and we guarantee success.
1. Have a Pulse
Not having a pulse is a notorious turn-off for men. On the other hand, women who have a pulse have an excellent chance of attracting some male interest. There’s no need to flaunt it. We can sense it. Call it male intuition.
2. Breathe
Are you breathing? Excellent. This is another one of our stringent requirements. On the other hand, those of us who know CPR are sometimes willing to suspend this rule temporarily.
3. Be conscious
This is important. Remember that the conscious girl has many advantages over the unconscious girl, and shouldn’t hesitate to capitalize on those advantages.
4. Be unconscious
On the other hand, men are not into “judging” you based on your state of consciousness. We’re much more open-minded than women think.
5. Have most of the “girl body parts”
We aren’t so crass as to expect you to have all of the girl body parts, but if you have most of them, you’ll find your odds of snagging a man improves dramatically.
6. Be Nearby
You know the old phrase “out of sight, out of mind?” It’s so true. That’s why we go for women who are nearby.
7. Be Far Away
You know the phrase “Absence makes the heart grow fonder?” That’s so true. That’s why we go for women who are far away.
8. Speak
If your vocal chords are working and you can string together various words, phrases and/or grunts in our general direction, consider yourself an object of interest. It doesn’t matter what language you speak.
9. Don’t speak
On the other hand, silence is golden. A woman who is mute, doesn’t have vocal chords, or chooses not to use them has an excellent chance at turning the head of any man.
We hope you ladies appreciate how much trouble we can get into at the next “man meeting” for revealing the nine rules. These deeply guarded secrets are completely unknown to the editors of every women’s magazine in America.
Please, we urge you, use this information wisely.
If you missed any of our previous "Half Empty" columns, click here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com
