By Rick Kaempfer
Normally I don’t print letters I receive about my Suburban Man columns, but this one from former radio producer/programmer Tom Serritella has some helpful advice for everyone who hates shopping at Wal-Mart. Is there anyone who doesn't fit that description?
--Rick
Dear Rick,
As a fellow house-husband, I feel obliged to reply to your recent column ("House Husband Report Card"). I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but your wife didn't give you a "C", as you reported. 70% isn't a "C," it's a “D”. (Using the 100-92-A, 91-83-B, 82-75-C, 74-66-D, 65-F scale).
You mentioned that one of the reasons your grade was so low was because of your reluctance to go shopping at Wal-Mart. That's where I come in. I think I can help you get that grade up to something more respectable. Take my advice and before you know it, your wife may be proudly telling all of her friends…”My husband is average!”
I have six important rules.
1) You must wear a watch.
If you extend your Wal-Mart stay beyond one hour, you’ll be ready to kill yourself. If your wife wants you to buy something that takes too long to find, practice saying this: “Sorry honey, I couldn’t find it.” The grief you’ll receive from her is far less than the torment you’ll endure looking for the darn thing. A good rule of thumb is this: If you look longer than 5 minutes, DONE.
2) Always bring a child who fits in the cart.
I have 2 1/2 year old twins. They are my best weapons at Wal-Mart. You mentioned that the aisles are narrow. This is true, but with my twins in the cart, I’m driving a double-wide. My motto is: “Get outta my way.”
3) Always bring a list.
A list is a good way not to forget the stupid crap your wife needs so you don’t get killed when you get home. If you don’t bring a list, you’ll forget something. It happens every time. Just trust me. Remember, the Wal-Mart experience isn’t only the time spent in the actual store.
4) Ask for help, but don’t count on it.
The Pharmacy section is brutal. None of it makes sense to a man because everything is organized for the woman’s brain. The only way to make it through this section quickly is to ask for help. Unfortunately, let’s be honest here-—Wal-Mart employees are not exactly famous for their efficiency. If you are running short on time, and one of those slow-ass Wal-Mart employees is taking forever to finish whatever the hell it is that they have to do before they get to you, refer back to rule #1 for what to say to your wife when you get home.
5) Make the food section your own
Let me reiterate, every Wal-Mart has a food section. One of the biggest mistakes that househusbands make is continuing to buy the stuff their wives used to buy when they did the shopping. HELLO!!!! The best part about shopping at Wal-Mart is that they have all the stupid food that men love. It’s me time. Make sure to buy some things that you’d otherwise never see in your home. Tostito’s or Jalapeño cheese dip always seems to make it into my cart somehow. (Note: If you skip this rule, you’re missing your only chance for enjoying the Wal-Mart experience).
6) Check out the check out
Pay attention! The fastest lines are not necessarily the shortest lines; they’re the ones with the best checkers. Here’s another important thing to remember once you have chosen the fastest line: You must help them with the bagging. I had a stand-off with the checker once, before I figured out the game. She was looking at me wondering why I wasn’t helping her put the bags in my cart, and I was looking at her like she was nuts! By simply doing her job for her, I saved myself a crucial ten minutes of agony.
Follow these six simple rules, and you may soon rise to a level of mediocrity your wife will applaud. No need to thank me. I know a man in need when I see one.
Tom
Thanks for your help, Tom, but I'm still not stepping foot in Wal-Mart. This is not a political statement on my part. The place actually makes my skin crawl. Sorry.
--Rick
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