They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.
"21st Century Superheroes"
By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern
20th Century superheroes were larger than life. They had superhuman strength, rescued damsels in distress, and stopped bullets with their bare hands.
In the 21st century we’re not so worried about the Nazi’s, the Commies, or Super-villains anymore. We're more worried about getting through everyday life. That's why we strongly recommend the cartoonists of America scale the superheroes waaaaaay back. Less is more.
We'll get you started. Here are nine free ideas.*
1. Generation X-Man
This tech-savvy superhero will be able to tell you how to use all of the features on your digital cellular phone. After Generation X-Man saves the day, your phone will ring to Beethoven's 9th Symphony, your internet hookup will be accessible, and your phone-photos will be organized so your wife can't find the pictures you took at the mall.
2. Wine-der Woman
The most attractive of the superheroes instinctively knows when she is needed. Say your boss is coming over for dinner and you're serving him the shrimp primavera, Wine-der Woman will swoop in to pick out the perfect wine for the evening.
3. The Greenspan Hornet
Who couldn’t use the stock tips and financial planning provided by this investor superhero? He is so powerful he has been known to upend the entire stock market simply by uttering a few abstract phrases. When the Greenspan Hornet is on your side, your portfolio cannot be destroyed.
4. The Lone Rogainger
Yes, my balding friend, The Lone Rogainger responds to every balding emergency. (AUDIO: The Lone Rogainger)
5. Phat Girl
Without the expert superhero help of Phat Girl, you may accidentally consume ingredients forbidden in diets like South Beach and The Zone. Carbs and meat wouldn't dare appear on your plate at the same time when she's on the case.
6. The Incredible Sulk
By day, the Incredible Sulk is no different than us. But when someone is involved in a customer service nightmare, he transforms into a rampaging squeaky wheel, ensuring no one is treated badly by faceless corporations. His mere presence is enough to get you your money back.
7. Captain Republican
This useful superhero will help you end all arguments by accusing the person you’re debating of being an un-American, anti-God, traitorous appeaser. His arch enemy "Politically Correct Man" is no match for Captain Republican's aggressive retorts.
8. Starbuck Rodgers
This superhero coffee translator will help you determine what the heck the person in front of you means when she orders a venti half-caf soy latte. He will also slap the cashier giving you attitude for asking for a "large coffee."
9. Flash
This tech-savvy superhero can help you navigate past slow-loading web pages with needless animation. Flash will save you hours of wasted time every single day.
OK, cartoonists of America. You have your assignment. Get to work. We’d do it ourselves, but we’re too busy trying to figure out how to re-record our outgoing voicemail message.
*By free, we of course mean we’ll retain the traditional 51% ownership. That might as well be free you little snots.
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