Joke for a Tuesday morning

Contributed by "JF"...




How bad is the economy?

The economy is so bad that...

*I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

*I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

*CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

*If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

*Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

*McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

*Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

*A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

*Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

*Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

*The Mafia is laying off judges.

*Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

*Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

*And, finally.... I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Groundhogs Day

Good morning all you woodchuck chuckers, it's Ground Hogs Day...

37,000 days

That's how long it has been (as of today) since the Cubs last won the World Series. I think within another 20 or 30,000 more days they will make it happen.

Etch it in stone. That's my fearless prediction.

Sammy

The Cubs traded Sammy Sosa to the Baltimore Orioles exactly five years ago today. In return, they got a peppy little infielder that still wears Cubbie blue (Mike Fontenot), and another infielder/outfielder that just won a ring with the New York Yankees (Jerry Hairston Jr.)

Seems like they could have gotten more for their all-time greatest slugger, doesn't it? Well, in this case you may not remember how bad it got at the end of Sammy's reign. It got this bad.

Just like they recently did with Milton Bradley, instead of building Sammy up to potential trading partners by accentuating his positives, the Cubs were doing their best to damage his reputation beyond repair. (Not that either guy really needed a lot of help in that department...)

Seems like a "How-Not-To" guide to trading.

Deep Thoughts for a Monday morning

Contributed by "AH"




1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

Ernie Banks

He was Jack Brickhouse's favorite Cub.

He was my favorite Cub.

He's probably your favorite Cub.

Hell, he's Mr. Cub, and he celebrated his 79th birthday over the weekend. Can you believe it?

Father Knows Nothing

I just posted my latest Father Knows Nothing column at NWI Parent. This one is called "Hot Buttons."

You can read it here.

Chicago Radio Spotlight

I just posted a new Chicago Radio Spotlight interview. This week I spoke with Fresh-FM morning man Steve Fisher.

You can read the entire interview here.

Zambrano & Carrey

According to the Chicago Tribune, Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano said he would like to work with Jim Carrey someday. I contributed to this piece in the Beachwood Reporter speculating on what that might look like.

E-mails, we get e-mails...

It's always nice to get feedback about my books. This came into my e-mail box this morning.






Good morning Mr Kaempfer,

Just a quick email to introduce myself...I work for a music producer from Australia..He has a 2 hrs weekly show (pre-recorded) and it is syndicated in 20 countries worldwide so far.

My job is helping the producer and organising the content of the show. As I am very young (24) and new to this job (we are a team of 3 people and we just started in October), everything is a discovery.

I wanted to tell you that I've purchased your book 'The Radio Producers Handbook' and I am finding it brilliant, very inspiring and full of material. So I wanted to thank you for that!

I will email you again once I finish the book.

Best regards,
-AF

Oprah's poop

Oprah and Alicia Silverstone talk about their poop.

I kid you not.

(Video at the link...of the discussion, not the poop)

We are the World

25 years ago today...

Poems for a Thursday morning

Contributed by "BP"...



A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other..
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big t*** who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s***

Order those World Series tickets now

Xavier Nady

Chad Tracey

and

Chan Ho Park? (that's the rumor...not a done deal yet)

Well, you have to give Jim Hendry credit. He did say that the Cubs weren't going to make a big free agent splash this year. He has been true to his word.

Chuck Swirsky

He is now the radio voice of the Chicago Bulls, but back in the dark, dark days of the early 1980s, Chuck Swirsky had a little run-in with the Chicago Cubs.

Read all about that here.

The Swirsk turns 56 this weekend.

Off the Couch

The latest issue of NWI Parent just arrived in the mail. As always, I wrote the back page "Family Room" essay for the issue.

This one is called "Off the Couch," and it's about the impersonation of me that led our entire family to have a healthier summer.

You can read it here.

Andre's an Expo

I find it difficult to quibble with the reasoning behind the announcement that Andre Dawson will enter the Hall of Fame as an Expo.

We loved him in Chicago too, but let's face it, he played in Montreal for ten years and those really were his best years (despite the MVP with the Cubs.)

The full story is here.

It's cold, but it's not this cold...

Antarctica is a whole different ballgame...

The Throw In

On this date in 1982 the Cubs made one of the best trades in their history. They swapped shortstops...Ivan DeJesus of the Cubs went to Philadelphia in exchange for Phillies starting shortstop Larry Bowa.

Oh, and the Phillies threw in a minor league second baseman too. (Photo)

He became a Hall of Famer.

Paul Newman

He would have been 84 years old today. This is from 1959...

Ernie's advice for Sammy

Ernie Banks to Sammy: Time to come clean.

The story is here.

Ernie thinks Cubs fans will forgive Sammy if he fesses up. I think Ernie is right. Many will probably forgive him. Cardinals fans have already forgiven McGwire. He just got a standing ovation at the Cardinals convention.

E-mails, we get e-mails...

This came in from "RP", and it made me feel better. He also has three sons (and they are grown up now). He was responding to this week's Father Knows Nothing column about my son Tommy's current dislike of his dear old dad. He writes...

"Yes, it hurts. And you have yet two more.

Hold on to one thing you wrote: 'He still calls this the best week of his life.'

Still. Even now. As he tries to push you away with both hands.

He will come back to you as a man. I promise."

Thanks, RP. That does make me feel better. I hope you're right.

Jack Brickhouse

Former Chicago Cubs announcer Jack Brickhouse was born this week in 1916. Good old Jack was the Cubs announcer during their darkest days, including the 20-year streak of finishing in the second division (1946-1966). He retired after the 1981 season.

Needless to say, his favorite Cubs player was Ernie Banks. He explains why in this video.

Very Mary Kate

Very Mary-Kate, Episode 1 from Mary-Kate Olsen on Vimeo.

The value of a Catholic Education and a #2 pencil

Contributed by "MR" (a Catholic) and posted by me (another Catholic)...



Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted.

40 years ago today...

...this movie was released. Needless to say, it was a little raunchier than the TV series, as this trailer makes clear...

Phil Collins

25 years ago this week Phil Collins released his huge hit album "No Jacket Required."

Did you know the title of that album was based on something that happened to him in Chicago? That story is here.

It's a little easier to understand than this song from that album. I still don't understand what it's about 25 years later.

Wish Fulfillment

What if Wile Coyote actually caught the roadrunner. What would happen to him?

(Warning: Not suitable for workplace, there are a few swears.)


Road Runner Funny Clip - The most amazing home videos are here

Hymie Weiss

This ugly mug was born on this day in 1898. He was shot to death just 28 years later, right in front of the Holy Name Cathedral.

Read all about this notorious North Side Chicago gangster here.

He may not be our proudest member of the fraternity, but Hymie Weiss was a Cubs fan.

Father Knows Nothing

I just posted my latest Father Knows Nothing column at NWI Parent. It's called "The Father-Son Roller Coaster" and it's about the arc of the father-son relationship.

You can read it here.

Chicago Radio Spotlight

I just posted my latest Chicago Radio Spotlight interview. This week I interviewed Todd Ronczkowski, the program director of WVON.

We talked about what it's like for a white guy to program a black station, and we also looked back at his days as the producer for the Roe & Garry show.

Check it out here.

Mike Krukow

Former Cubs pitcher Mike Krukow is celebrating his 58th birthday this week.

Krukow pitched for the Cubs from 1976-1981, and during those years he was a well known prankster.

Cubs fan Jerry Pritikin (The Bleacher Preacher) told Just One Bad Century all about one of the pranks that Mike Krukow liked to pull. Watch the video here.

Bohemian Rhapsody

This is incredible...

Beer People vs. Wine People

My latest article just came out in Shore Magazine.

It's called "Beer People vs. Wine People."

Thanks to all the readers of this blog that helped me write this piece!

Lew Fonseca

Lew Fonseca was a big-league player that played for, among other teams, the Cincinnati Reds and the Chicago White Sox between 1921-1933. Fonseca was born on this day in 1899.

He never played for the Cubs, but he did become one of their very first radio announcers.

He is part of this audio montage of early Cubs announcers.

Leno addresses his PR nightmare

Jay Leno is upset about the way he's being portrayed in the media, and it's true, he is getting killed from a PR standpoint. He had taken a few veiled shots at the powers that be, but he hadn't addressed it directly until last night. You probably missed this too, so I'm posting it here if you're interested.

This is Jay's explanation of everything that has happened...

YouTube's biggest star

I wouldn't know this if I hadn't searched for video from 1945 for my This Week in 1945 feature at Just One Bad Century.

YouTube's biggest star is Adolf Hitler.

There are literally thousands and thousands of different videos featuring Hitler, mocking Hitler, using Hitler as a comic foil, and yes, even Lego Hitler. Have you seen them?

You've probably seen a number of different versions of that subtitled scene from the Hitler movie, where Hitler is in the bunker and gets the news that the end is at hand. But have you seen Hitler singing?

For my money, these are the most inspired. This morning I was looking for a clip of the Jefferson's theme song because the show premiered exactly 35 years ago today. Guess who I found singing that song?

Yup. Here it is. This is pretty darn funny.

Hopefully I haven't been put on some sort of a government watch list for posting this (not to mention watching a hundred or so others).

1910, 1935

One hundred years ago this week, the Cubs are preparing for yet another NL Pennant winning season. Meanwhile, in Los Angeles, the world's first Aviation Meet is held.


Seventy five years ago this week, the Cubs are preparing for yet another NL Pennant winning season. Meanwhile, the FBI corners and kills the Barker Gang, including Ma Barker and her son Freddie.

All you need is love

This is pretty cool...

Tom Clay

I post this every year on Martin Luther King day because I believe there's nothing more appropriate. The man who put this together is Tom Clay. Clay was a Detroit disc jockey who captured a terrible time in history almost as perfectly as possible...

The First Lady

Michelle Obama celebrated her birthday over the weekend. The First Lady of our country is (gulp) 46. Yes, that's right, she's my age.

While the First Lady may not be a Cubs fan, the Cubs have always been very good to the Ladies. In fact, they invented something called "Ladies Day."

Read all about that tradition here.

Father Knows Nothing

I just posted my latest Father Knows Nothing column at NWI Parent. This is one is about my middle boy Johnny, and it's called "Definitely not a Vulcan."

You can read it here.

Chicago Radio Spotlight: Matt Spiegel

Chicago Radio Spotlight is back for another year. This week I interview The Score's Matt Spiegel.

You can read it here.

Neil Young sings Fresh Prince

"BP" sent me this video with the title: "The only funny thing Jimmy Fallon has ever done."

Peter Kaempfer

My little brother is 40 years old today! Here's a picture of him at his favorite place in the whole wide world...Chicago's beautiful Wrigley Field. I'm on the left, he's on the right, and that's our cousin Martina between us. Of course, he was only his 30s then...

John Fogerty

Twenty five years ago today he released this great song: "Centerfield." This video is not from 1985, it's from Soundstage in Chicago in 2007, but it's a great version...

The Who

They released this song on this day, exactly 45 years ago. This is what they looked and sounded like in 1965.

Sights & Sounds

Sights & Sounds returns to JOBC today to begin another year. This week I go into my archives for my oldest video and my oldest audio.

A baseball film from 1898 filmed by Thomas Edison, and a recording of Casey at the Bat performed live on stage in 1909.

Great history is here.

Another great mustache

This great mustache signed with the Cubs on this date in 1998. It belonged to reliever Rod Beck.

Read more about the man they called "The Shooter" here.

Humphrey Bogart

He died on this day in 1957.

One of the things I loved about Bogie is that he loved baseball.

Sarah's favorite founder

I've been trying to put my finger on why it is that I think Sarah Palin is such a lightweight. I think I finally know what it is.

She sounds like a high school student answering an essay question...someone that hasn't read the material, so she just strings words together, hoping to at least get a few points on the answer. See if you agree. Here she is yesterday with Glenn Beck...



This is not a political statement on my part. It's just an observation. I honestly think she doesn't have the slightest idea what she's talking about.

40 years ago today...

Diana Ross and the Supremes performed together for the very last time. It was at the Frontier Hotel in Las Vegas, and it was recorded for the live album called "Farewell."

Here's one of the songs from that last performance...

Ray Kroc

Ray Kroc died on this date in 1984.

He didn't quite live long enough to see the team he owned (the Padres) tear the heart out of the team he loved as a boy (The Cubs).

Read all about his Cubs-love here.

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

On this date in 1975 (35 years ago today), Elton John's version of Lucy in the Sky was the #1 song in the country. Here he is on stage with John Lennon performing the song at Madison Square Garden.

More on the NBC mess

Gawker has video up of all the principles discussing the situation last night: Conan, Leno, Jimmy Kimmel, David Letterman, and Craig Ferguson.

This is terrible for NBC, but it's great for comedy.

Speaking of show trials

15 years ago yesterday, the OJ Simpson trial officially began. It lasted until October.

Careers were made during that trial. Just ask Greta Van Sustern. She was unknown before the trial, and a celebrity after it ended--because she covered it daily on CNN. Mark Fuhrman became a celebrity too.

Heck, I must admit, it wasn't bad for me either. During that trial the John Landecker show was cranking out material on a daily basis that shot us to the top of the Chicago radio ratings. Roe Conn is another one that was catapulted into the spotlight.

On the other hand, a guilty man probably got away with murder. I know he's in jail now, but OJ Simpson was actually acquitted.

It's still hard to believe 15 years later.

Trachsel's take on McGwire

Steve Trachsel was the pitcher that served up #62 to McGwire in 1998.

He was interviewed about the McGwire controversy yesterday on ESPN Radio in Chicago and said something that I always suspected: Sammy and McGwire didn't even like each other.

The full story is here.

Even though Trachsel was a decent pitcher, he was never one of my favorites. He was soooooo slooooooooow on the mound. Every game he pitched took forever. But I will never forget the game he pitched in that one-game playoff game to win the wildcard in 1998. Without him, the Cubs wouldn't have won the right to be swept in three straight by the Braves.

You don't just forget something like that.

Another great mustache

This mustache is celebrating a birthday today.

It belongs to former Cub second baseman Mike Tyson, who is 60 years old today.

(More about Mike here)

Cubs hire Greg Maddux

The Cubs hired Greg Maddux as an assistant to Jim Hendry.

According to Hendry, and this is the part I love: "He'll certainly be involved in all aspects of the baseball-operations department."

First assignment in my perfect world: Taking all baseball decisions away from Jim Hendry.

Seriously though, Maddux knows baseball. He's a student of the game. He should be an invaluable resource.

Joe E. Lewis

Joe E. Lewis was born on this date in 1902. Lewis was one of the biggest stars in America in the late 1920s. Then, he picked the wrong guy to mess with in Chicago.

Read all about him and what was going on with the Cubs at the time of his unfortunate Chicago experience here.

McGwire admits it

"I used steroids" says Mark McGwire.

This news is obviously not a shock, but I give McGwire credit for admitting it.

Sammy...your turn.

Another stupid contestant

Andre's #8

I love Andre Dawson as much as any Cubs fan, but when I saw this article it made me wonder if he really should go in the Hall of Fame as a Cub.

The Cubs say they will retire his #8 if he does.

He's definitely a worthy Hall of Famer. He's definitely one of my favorite Cubs. But he only played in Chicago for six seasons. It feels a little odd to retire his number, doesn't it?

Look at those other retired numbers. Ernie was a Cub for 19 seasons. Billy was a Cub for 16 seasons. Ryno was a Cub for 15 seasons. Santo was a Cub for 14 seasons. Fergie was a Cub for 10 seasons. Maddux was a Cub for 10 seasons.

Am I wrong? It doesn't feel right, does it?

William Walker

On this date in 1934, the Chicago Cubs named a seafood salesman as their team president.

Read all about William Walker here.

Father Knows Nothing

I just posted my latest Father Knows Nothing column at NWI Parent. This one is about my little buddy--my seven year old Sean. It's called "My Comrade."

You can read it here.