By Rick Kaempfer
When I became the primary caregiver for my family, some people who knew me well worried about the health of my children. According to this chicken-little crowd, my caffeine/fast food/alcohol diet wasn’t the best example to set for the boys. They also knew what picky eaters my children were, and worried that I wouldn’t be able to accommodate their persnickety-ness.
How picky were my boys? I could give you dozens of examples, but I think the one that best exemplified their eating habits is this: The presence of any tiny green flecks (like parsley) on any item on any plate caused a complete boycott of the meal. Tommy even came up with a word to describe this phenomenon: Lickeys. Let me scream it in a sentence for you.
“EWWWWWWW, THIS PIZZA HAS LICKEYS!!!!!!!!”
I can understand why some people were worried that a care-giving novice like me would have difficulties adjusting.
Well, sorry to disappoint the naysayers, but I’m here to report that we’ve made incredible progress in this area. My own diet is much better since I eliminated one of my three vices (note: it’s not caffeine or alcohol), and the boys aren’t nearly as picky as they used to be. In fact, I’m going to go so far as to say that my three boys now have an almost perfect diet. They eat all of the food groups every day.
Granted, each of them only eats one, but this is still progress.
I’ve learned to make the best of my family’s culinary challenge by slowly but surely encouraging food experimentation within their own chosen food group (Tommy-carbs, Johnny-meat, Sean-fruits/vegetables). The results have been astounding. Collectively they will eat just about anything now.
For instance, I used to make four different meals a night, just to avoid the fights. Ever since I discovered that each boy is willing to experiment within his chosen food group, I’m down to one normal healthy meal for everyone. This saves an incredible amount of time and effort, and allows me to have some fun trying out different foods.
Sean and Tommy aren’t big meat eaters, but if I tell Johnny that the mystery meat on his plate is some sort of sausage, he’ll eat it—no questions asked. Tommy and Johnny aren’t big fruit or vegetable eaters, but Sean will try everything from spinach to eggplant to boysenberries without complaint. Sean and Johnny are not exactly carboholics, but Tommy would be accepted by any local twelve-step program, which allows me to experiment with any form of carbohydrate on the planet (as long as it’s white).
Of course, this new approach ensures that each of the boys is now guaranteed to have at least two things on his plate that he doesn’t eat, but somehow the intra-food-group experimentation has fostered a certain amount of tentative inter-food-group experimentation too.
Sean will now nibble on meat and carbs occasionally as long as his plate is mostly covered with fruits and vegetables. If he ever learns to sit still for more three seconds, I have high hopes for his future eating ability.
Johnny is still a ravenous carnivore, but he has also discovered that fruit actually tastes good. He will now regularly devour entire oranges and apples. Two years ago, this was a ridiculous pipedream.
Tommy will now eat tiny lickey-free pieces of meat and five or six different types of vegetables as long as the plate is still mostly covered with carbs. This is such a miracle that the Pope has dispatched investigators to document my future beatitude.
Of course, there is a slight downside to this new approach: our food bills are getting bigger and bigger. Bridget and I are fully expecting to be eaten out of house and home when all three of them are teenagers. On the other hand, at least we’re a little more confident they’ll make it to their teen years now.
And to me, that’s progress.
If you'd like to read previous Suburban Man columns, click here: http://suburbanmanarchive.blogspot.com
