Saturday, July 22, 2006

Guest Blogger: Nancy Cross




Nancy Hyde, 1975...only thirty years or so before she became Nancy Cross.

Nancy is now married and lives in Evanston with her husband Randall, her cat Millie, and her six-month old puppie Archie (who humped my leg the last time I saw him). After working in the advertising and media businesses for several years, she is now studying shiatsu and working on a screenplay. And oh yeah, she's also my sister-in-law.






Golf on TV? Brilliant!
By Nancy Cross




I’m a bit embarrassed to admit this, but I really love watching golf on television. I never used to; in fact I disliked the entire sport. I thought it was an elitist game that only rich, white men could afford to play. That seemed silly to me so I never gave golf a second thought…until I married my husband.

My husband, Randall, is a bit of a golf fanatic. He was a caddy when he was younger and has fond memories of playing golf with his friends growing up. He enjoys his free time by playing golf at least once a weekend if not more. He’s been known to get up at 5:00 on a Saturday morning just for a chance to hit a little, white ball. To me, this seemed highly unusual if not a bit cuckoo, but you know what they say, for better, for worse, blah, blah, blah.

Randall loves golf so much he watches it on TV. Now this seemed absolutely nuts. I was used to a guy who watched “regular sports” on TV like football or basketball, but golf? I once even had a boyfriend who loved to watch baseball on TV, which was painful enough because the game never ends, but golf seemed like a step down in the sports viewing food chain.

I remember early on in our dating relationship when it came up. Some lazy Sunday in July after eating a leisurely breakfast we were trying to figure out what to do. The heat was unbearable. It was the kind of summer day where you didn’t want to go outside for fear of melting in the blazing sun. We decided to go to his loft to watch a movie. It was an easy choice for me because my Chicago apartment didn’t have any air conditioning. When we got there though, instead of putting on a movie, he turned on golf. I dreaded the thought of going home to my horribly hot apartment so I feigned interest to stay as long as possible in his climate controlled house.

I watched a couple of holes, bored out of my skull. I knew the point was getting the ball into the hole but I never knew how much that entailed. I heard words like bogey, par and birdie. They also mentioned things like “that’s a slice to the right” or “there’s a fried egg” and “that’s on line.” After a couple more holes, I couldn’t help but start asking questions. What’s a double bogey? What does par 5 mean? What’s a wood? Randall started to patiently explain the game to me.

That day I learned all about irons and drivers and woods (oh my) but I also learned something even more valuable than all that golf speak. I learned after watching about 30 minutes of golf on TV that you can’t help but fall asleep. Golf was the perfect game to have on TV while taking a nap.

I was lulled by the announcer’s soft, soothing voice. Even when a player shot a hole in one, the announcers never shouted. They didn’t even raise their voices. They spoke in hushed tones usually reserved for the library. You could also hear birds chirping in the background and sometimes a splash of water if the player missed his shot and the ball went into drink as they say. The fans light, polite clapping would rhythmically rock me to the REM phase of sleeping. In fact, I never slept so well in my life.

Now when Randall puts on golf I never once nag him or scold him. In fact, I welcome it because I now know I have about a 5-hour window in which to nap. So I grab my pillow, and sit right down next to him. In about half an hour, I know I’ll be drifting off into Never Never Land without a care in the world.



If you want to read any of my other guest bloggers, click here: http://rickkaempferguestbloggers.blogspot.com

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Half Empty: 10 Questions You Should Never Ask Your Husband


They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.





10 Questions You Should Never Ask Your Husband

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern



A few weeks ago we shared some of our vast knowledge of women to help the younger generation avoid the many mistakes that we’ve made over the years. Many women wrote to us to say that we were on the money with our assessments, and really appreciated our gentle jabbing of our fellow man.

Think about this: as well as we understand women, we understand men even better. Especially married men.

That’s why we present this common sense advice for the wives of America to help them better understand and appreciate their husbands. Follow our advice and you’ll find that many, if not all, of the arguments in your marriage will disappear immediately. No need to thank us. It’s a public service.

There really is only one simple rule that all wives should adhere to: Don’t Ask Too Many Questions. Most problems start here. Simply eliminate the following ten questions from your daily life and enjoy your newfound serenity.

1) What you are thinking about?

When you see us looking pensive, seemingly pondering the mysteries of life, you can’t help yourself, can you? You simply have to know what we’re thinking about. When we say “nothing,” you think we must be harboring some deep dark secret. Actually, no. We’re thinking about nothing. We can really do that. In fact, we do it all the time.

2) Are you really going to wear that shirt?

What was your first tip off? The fact that we PUT IT ON OUR TORSO?

3) How do you like my new haircut?

We hate it. It’s true. We always hate your haircuts at first because we don’t like change. Within a few weeks we won’t want you to change it again. Ask us then.

4) Are you using my bath gel and conditioner?

First off, do you really want to know? Second, since when is indulging in an energizing body cleanser with natural fruit extracts a crime? If we can’t be free to gently wash away impurities without the drying effects of soap, the terrorists have won. Also, bald(ing) guys like to revitalize every chance they get, cut us some slack.

5) When will this game be over?

We don’t have control over that. If we did, we would be on the phone to the dugout whenever we could. “Um, listen, Ozzie, if you don’t mind, tell your guys to swing at a few more pitches. The wife is getting restless.”


6) What do you mean by, “It’s Fine”?

When we say, “It’s Fine” it means that it’s fine. Some things are better left unsaid. If you make tofu egg salad and ask us what we think; if we answer “It’s Fine,” please just drop it. If you think we can determine that there was too much Anise or not enough Arrowroot Powder, you don’t even know who we are.


7) Does the baby have a full diaper?

Look, we love you, and we love this child, but the only way we’ll ever answer this question honestly is if we suddenly leave the room for no apparent reason. Then you have your answer.


8) Do you want me to drive?

The answer to this question is always “NO.” Period. It’s not that we don’t like the way you drive...although, wow, you really can’t drive, can you? Don’t worry, you have other good qualities.


9) What did I just say?

This kind of “gotcha” game isn’t becoming to an intellectual like you. Are you implying that we weren’t listening? Well, that’s just insulting. Now go on with your monologue. We were captivated.



10) Which paint do you like better for the family room, egg shell 212 or egg shell 311?

WE DON”T CARE. You know why? Because there is no difference! If you show us two swatches and we point to one and say, “that one,” it’s because we’re hoping beyond all hope that that’s the one you like. If it’s not, just pick the one you like. We’re not going to know the difference.


I’m sure some of you might have some other questions that should never be asked. Feel free to contribute them by clicking on the word “comments” below, or by clicking on the e-mail link at the top right hand side of this blog.





If you want to read previous “Half Empty” columns, click here: http://halfemptyarchives.blogspot.com

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Suburban Man: The Terrible Threes






By Rick Kaempfer











Every new parent fears “the terrible twos.” As soon as parents bring that precious pooping machine home from the hospital, they are warned...”Just wait until he’s two. They don’t call them the terrible two’s for nothing.”

Yes they do.

Don’t get me wrong. Two can be a tough age. Your baby has just gone from an irresistibly cute toddler learning to walk and say a few words, to a demanding brat. That can be a tough transition. But now that I’m going through this the third time, I’m more convinced than ever that the twos are nowhere near as terrible as the threes.

Two year olds are merely demanding and whiny. Three year olds are sociopaths.

I know that sounds a little strong, but think of it this way. Three year olds are mature enough to know what is wrong, but they do it anyway because they simply don’t care. That’s almost the textbook definition of sociopath.

My own darling three year old son Sean is a perfect example. He’s cute (“put him in commercials” cute), and he knows it. At my grandmother’s nursing home, the old women literally fight each other to get close to him. When they get near him, he flaps his long eyelashes a few times, looks at them with his piercing baby blue eyes, flashes them his dazzling white smile, and says something he knows he shouldn’t say...

“Do you have any candy?”

If these women could still walk, they would sprint to their rooms. As it is, they do a pretty fair walker-shuffle.

“Sean,” I scold. “It’s not nice to ask people for candy.”

“Oh don’t be so hard on him,” they all say.

Cute three-year-olds quickly discover they have allies against Mom and Dad in almost every public situation. They also discover that there are no limits to what they can get away with when Mom and Dad are not around. Within a few minutes, a three year old can sniff out any person’s hot buttons—and start pressing.

Grandmothers are especially susceptible to this; even my German mother. Sean has discovered that all rules can be dispensed with at the drop of a hat if he says the magic words to her: “I’m hungry.”

The food request never goes unanswered. By the time I pick him up after a visit, he has eaten 10-15 meals. He’s also jumped on the furniture, broken a few dishes, escaped down the street, and left a trail of crumbs behind him—all without consequences.

That’s why being the bad cop of a three year old is a particularly thankless job. Policing this behavior in public is almost impossible. Society is not on your side. They are on the side of the cute, blinking, “aw shucks I’m adorable” child. I’ve seen the look from strangers. You know what look I’m talking about—the “let the boy have a gigantic bag of M&Ms, it won’t kill him” look.

So I pick and choose my battles in public. Instead, I focus on policing him at home. Only at home can I reject his ridiculous demands like “Mom has to put on my shoes” without getting the look. Only at home will an outrageous comment like “You’re not the boss of me” get the reaction it deserves. This is the place where negotiations end, rules and boundaries are established, and manners are drummed home. Unfortunately, this is also the place where his true self comes out all day long—and that fake charm is a distant memory.

In a way, that’s a shame. I fell in love with it too. He’s a cutie.

But while I really do miss those batting eyelashes, my tough love approach has helped me discover that I was absolutely right about his manipulative machinations. One day when he was crying about having to follow one of my draconian rules—like no playing with the steak knives—I calmly told him about the newest house rule.

”There’s no crying in the kitchen,” I said. Sean looked up at me mid-cry. When he saw I wasn’t mad, and I wasn’t cracking a smile, he took it seriously. And wouldn’t you know it? The little bugger stopped crying. Just like that.

I couldn’t believe that actually worked. I’m in my eleventh year of parenting, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that fake crying, yet it had never even occurred to me to officially ban it. I’ve since told him it’s also against the rules to cry in the car, on the couch, in the bathroom, and in the backyard. Each time I told him the rule, he stopped crying immediately. Even the times I thought it was real crying. Even in public.

Who knew?

Maybe it takes three tries to get this three-year-old thing right.

On the other hand, maybe I just got lucky.




If you want to read any of the other Suburban Man columns, click here: http://suburbanmanarchive.blogspot.com

Sunday, July 16, 2006

SHORE MAGAZINE ARTICLE: Best Festival in Illinois

In the latest issue of Shore Magazine, I wrote short little pieces about the best festivals in Illinois, Indiana, and Michigan (as chosen by the readers of SHORE MAGAZINE). You can see the online version at http://www.visitshoremagazine.com. This week we'll focus on Illinois. Next week, Michigan.


(From the July 2006 issue)





Best Festival in Illinois—Taste of Chicago





It draws millions of people from all over the Midwest every year, so it should be no surprise that “Taste of Chicago” is the readers’ pick for “Best Festival in Illinois.” “Taste of Chicago” showcases the best of Chicago in a beautiful location (Grant Park by Buckingham Fountain) at the perfect time of year (late June-early July). In a city with many big tourist draws, “Taste of Chicago” is still Chicago’s premiere event.

“We have over three hundred different menu items, everything from Chicago specialties to exotic foods like alligator to some really outstanding ethnic cuisine,” city Special Events spokesperson Cindy Gatziolis told us. “But don’t forget we also have six entertainment areas with top named talent, and the entertainment is free.” Among the entertainers for the 26th annual “Taste of Chicago” this summer were the O’Jays, Glen Campbell, Jo Dee Messina, Ray Davies, Train, Macy Gray, Kenny Wayne Shepherd and Dennis DeYoung.

And while the entertainers bring millions of attendees each year, the biggest draw is a different kind of show altogether: the spectacular July 3rd fireworks display.

“We never miss the fireworks,” reader Bill Nicholson told us. “They get better every year.”

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Guest Blogger: Dobie Maxwell

Dobie Maxwell is one of the most accomplished stand-up comedians working in America today. I highly recommend his stand up act. If you are in a town that has "The Bob & Tom Show," you've probably heard Dobie many times. He is a semi-regular guest on that show. He was also one of the co-hosts of the "Morning Loop Guys" on WLUP in 2003/2004, and did a daily feature falled the 60 Second Soapbox. I asked him to contribute one to this blog, and he graciously agreed.


Holiday OUT

By Dobie Maxwell

Brothers and sisters, misses and misters, cash tenders and card senders...today's title is Holiday OUT.

These are the dog days of the year when it comes to holidays. After the 4th of July we've got a long lifeless stretch with nothing to decorate, no cards to send and no real reasons to have a gigantic party until Halloween. This is not right and I think it's time to correct the flaw.

Oh sure, there's Labor Day but when was the last time you decorated your house or car for that? Maybe some people get together and give one last hurrah to a pair of white pants for the year or get rip roaring drunk every time Jerry Lewis goes to the tote board on the Telethon but that's really not a holiday. I have yet to see a Hallmark Labor Day card with a picture of Ziggy or Snoopy wearing a hard hat and carrying a lunch box. It's a weak sister.

Between now and Labor Day there's NOTHING. It's like driving through Texas. There might be a city or town coming up but it won't be here for a long long time. Why can't we move a holiday into August and spread things around a little? Who said we have to have any of the holidays when they are? Christmas would be a GREAT fit on August 25th. All accounts say Jesus wasn't born in December anyway so why not pull this switch now and make it fit?

Think about it, wouldn't it be fun to be a kid and have Christmas at the end of summer? I grew up in Wisconsin and there was always a foot of snow on the ground at Christmas. If I got a new bike or a baseball mitt I couldn't try it out for MONTHS. There is no reason for that kind of torture for a little kid. Let's give the kids some summer presents and let it rip. Jesus would have loved it if his birthday party had a Slip 'n Slide rather than a wool cap and scarf.

Plus, it would be great to have summer and then Christmas before going back to school. School clothes could be part of Christmas and it would be a perfect fit in that spot. I say we consult the powers that be and get it changed for next year. So what if Santa has to change into shorts and a t-shirt? Most of the fat guys at the mall who play Santa would LOVE that.

Thanksgiving would be way more special if it didn't have Christmas breathing down it's neck a month later. Many times people still have Thanksgiving turkey left over when they go out and fire up another one for Christmas. I'm sure the turkey population would be happy to survive in bigger numbers if Christmas was moved to August. Not many people would be up for making one then. We'd probably have a big old barbecue and some watermelon and the nativity scene in the front yard would have a lawn sprinkler right in the middle of it. Cool!

I guess I'm not a big traditionalist and these ideas all sound great to me. I'm in favor of having one holiday a month and that's it. To have Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Eve all in a short span and having this time of the year when there's nothing is very unfair to me. Let's give it a try next year. Merry Christmas and pass the mosquito repellant.



Dobie teaches a stand up comedy class at Zanies. This is the book he wrote for that class.




Dobie has one CD out and is in the process of putting out another one. Check out his website: www.dobie.com





If you want to read any of my previous guest bloggers, click here: http://rickkaempferguestbloggers.blogspot.com

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Half Empty: "Your Language is Your Age"


They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.





"Your Language is Your Age"

By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern




Once you turn 40, you enter a sort of "coolness" no-man's land. You’re kids are probably too young to let you know if you’re woefully out of touch or not, and you have this nagging feeling that everything you thought was cool is no longer considered cool.

You’re right.

But there are ways to avoid putting a blinking light on your advancing age. The biggest giveaway is obviously your looks, but even those of us who somehow managed to enter middle age without looking like it, can give ourselves away by misusing the language.

Don't overreact to this inevitable crisis. It’s not important to learn the new slang. Not only does that take way too much time and effort; it also tends to make you look a little pathetic.

You can avoid the blinking neon age billboard by simply stopping your usage of outdated slang.

If you use any of the following words or phrases, there isn’t a person in this country who won’t immediately recognize your age. Avoid them at all costs.



1. “Fresh”
The kids still use this one, but they never, ever use it this way: “He was getting a little fresh with me.” There used to be two meanings to this (a verbal and physical one). Now there are zero.

2. “Stinker”
Nobody under the age of 60 uses that word. If you’re playing with a child and you say “Stop being a little stinker,” everyone will know that you are the child’s grandparent.

3. “Sporty”
If your Mercury Sable is “sporty,” you’re old. If you’re new outfit is “sporty,” you may be too far gone for us to help you.

4. “Hunk”
If you see an attractive man and tell your girlfriends that he is a “Hunk,” he is at least thirty years younger than you are.

5. “Hold your horses”
If someone is a little overanxious and you say “hold your horses,” everyone in the room will know that you lived during a time when people did it for real.

6. “Far Out”, “Right On”, “Out of Sight”
These phrases died in the plane crash with John Denver. If you still use any of them, take that country road back to the place where you belong...the old folks home.

7. "Hubba Hubba"
When you say it, expect to hear this from any young person in the room... "Ewwww."

8. “Young Man” or “Young Lady”
If you use either one of these terms at the end of the sentence...”Where do you think you’re going, __________?”...brace yourself. Your grandson or granddaughter may just get a little fresh with you.

9. "Cutting a Rug"
Nothing says "I can't dance" better than "Let's go cut a rug." No one with any self respect will dance with you after you say it. Both of us actually use this to get out of dancing.


Hopefully you dig this groovy list. Avoid them and nobody will know you’re not a hep cat. Use them and everyone will know you’re totally square.


To read any of our previous Half Empty columns, click here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Suburban Man: Give Me A Break


By Rick Kaempfer






My wife Bridget was heading out of town for the weekend.

”Are you sure you’ll be OK?” she teased, as I dropped her off at the airport. She had a twinkle in her eye when she asked because she was taking our three-year-old hellion along with her, which meant that I was only going to be responsible for the two older (largely self-sufficient) boys.

“What could go wrong?” I asked.

As I drove home I was planning the weekend in my mind. I figured we might go to a movie, play some baseball in the backyard, or maybe go for a bike ride or two. All of those plans went out the window moments after I returned home. A phone call from summer school delivered the news.

“Mr. Kaempfer?”

I knew that voice. It was the school nurse.

“You better get over here right away. Tommy broke his arm.”

I noticed she didn't say that he "hurt his arm," or "sprained his arm," or "bruised his arm." She said he broke it. I wasn’t used to such confident diagnoses from her. It had to be bad. When I arrived at the school and saw the arm hanging at a right angle, I concurred with the diagnosis. Tommy was in excruciating pain.

“How did he do it?” I asked.

“He tripped over his shoelaces and tried to break his fall with his arm,” she said.

Yup, that’s my son. We Kaempfers are a graceful bunch.

When we got to the emergency room, the triage nurse diagnosed the broken arm right away too. “Are you his Dad?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“Where’s his mom?”

“She’s on a plane right now.”

“Do you know his medical history?” she asked.

I nodded. I’m his father, not his cab driver.

“Good,” she said. “This is a pretty bad break. He may need surgery.”

She handed me a stack of forms to fill out, but my first concern was keeping Tommy calm. When he heard the word “surgery” his screams became ear-splitting.

”Does he know what surgery is?” she asked.

I pointed at the screaming boy; exhibit A.

“We’ll get him some morphine to help with the pain,” she said.

Tommy yelped even louder. He knew what that was too. I have to say, that’s about the time I started getting a little worried myself. I never envisioned a situation where I would be discussing surgery and morphine for my ten year old son.

After we got Tommy into a bed, and they finally inserted the morphine drip, the doctor pulled me into the hallway to discuss what was going to happen next. I was thankful that Tommy couldn’t hear us.

“We’re going to have to put him under for the surgery,” he said. “We may need to re-break his arm. It’s very difficult to put back into place when it’s jagged like that.”

“Oh my God,” I said.

“Don’t worry,” he said. “We do this all the time. Besides, you’ve got bigger things to worry about.”

“I do?”

“Oh yeah,” he said. “The nurse told me that his mother is in an airplane. Is that true?”

“Yes,” I admitted.

“So she left you in charge of watching him?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said.

“And he broke his arm before her flight even landed?”

Ooh. That did sound bad.

“We’ll take care of him,” the doctor said, pointing toward morphine-boy. Then he pointed up toward the sky. “You take care of her.”

You’ll be happy to hear that this story has a happy ending. The surgery was successful. Tommy has a cast on his arm, but he has adapted to it quite well. As for his mother, when I finally got in touch with her later that night, I found out that her flight had been delayed by two hours. That meant that Tommy actually broke his arm before she even took off.

I’m thinking of contacting the Guinness World Record Book. I don’t know what the category would be, but I’m pretty confident that we set some sort of a record.

To her credit, Bridget wasn’t mad at me. Although, when the shock of the situation wore off, she did parrot my parting words back to me.

“What could go wrong?”



If you'd like to read any other Suburban Man columns (there are 27 of them now), click here: http://suburbanmanarchive.blogspot.com

Sunday, July 09, 2006

SHORE MAGAZINE ARTICLE--A Man and his Grill

By Rick Kaempfer


(From the July 2006 issue)








There’s an e-mail joke going around the internet mocking men and their grills. According to this e-mail, women do everything (buy the food, make the salad, prepare the vegetables, marinate the meat, organize the plates and cutlery, etc.), and all men do is put the meat on the grill and take the credit.

There may be a glimmer of truth to that e-mail, but it doesn’t begin to explain why a man has such a personal relationship with his grill. It’s not just because it’s so easy to grill meat. It’s not just because a man can feel the glow of praise caveman hunters must have felt after they provided meat for a whole family or neighborhood.

It’s much deeper than that.

A grill has everything a man loves--fire, heat, smoke and meat--plus it lacks something a man needs to escape every now and then. It’s a natural woman repellant; more powerful than a cigar. A backyard grill is more than just the place where the meat cooks. It’s the place where men congregate, and women stay away. It’s a place where, if you’re willing to endure a little coughing and sweat pouring from your brow, a man can be a man.

Without women around, we can tell jokes. No one groans when the joke begins. No one rolls their eyes before, during, or after a joke...even with smoke pouring into them. If the joke isn’t funny, we still offer a polite laugh, followed by “That’s a good one.” That’s proper joke etiquette. And the only place we’re certain to experience it is near a grill.

What else can men do while grilling? We can talk about the local sports teams and players without stopping to provide translations (“They call it a field goal in basketball too”) or answering questions that shouldn’t be asked like: “Are you talking about the cute one with the big arms?” We can emit bodily functions without being punched. We can use bad language without offending anyone. We can ask someone to fetch us a beer without getting that glare in return—because the cooler is never more than five feet away. Instead, we’ll hear the correct response.

Bob: “What kind you want?”
Chuck: “How bout a Heineken.”
Bob: “You got it. Coming right up.”

If we don’t have anything to say, that’s fine too. There’s no pressure. We can just stare at the meat together in silence. We don’t mind silence. When we want to talk again, we have a guaranteed topic of conversation. The meat.

Bob: “You might want to flip that one.”
Chuck: “You may be right.”
Bob: “What kind of sausage is that?”
Chuck: “Not sure. The little lady bought it.”

We can use terms like “the little lady” or “the little woman” or “the old lady” freely and openly. We can pretend like it’s our world, like we have some say in what we do, and when the little lady comes to check on the progress of the meat and says something like “it’s not supposed to be black, you know” we can look at each other knowingly.

Then we can wait for her to return with a plate, sipping our beers, stabbing at the blackened chicken or sausage or steak or burger; enjoying our last few moments of male-bonding seclusion. We know that once the meat is done, our little world will be snatched away from us. Our perfect little escape hatch will be closed, and we’ll be forced to return to a discussion of curtains and carpets and imaginary paint colors.

If you pay attention, it’s not the women giving us “too much credit” for our grilling prowess upon our return to the party. It’s the other men—the ones who weren’t lucky or savvy enough to escape to the grill. An overly-enthusiastic trapped male will praise us the second he sees the tray of meat. The conversation will go something like this...

Woman #1: “Is your living room coral or salmon?”
Woman #2: “Would you believe it’s really more of a muted Navajo?”
(Meat tray arrives)
Trapped Guy: “HEY! There they are! Great job on the meat, Chuck! It looks perfect.”
Chuck: “Bob helped me.”
Bob: “Yup.”
(The women all roll their eyes.)

Don’t get us wrong. It’s not that we don’t like women—we really, really, really do. It’s just that every now and then we like to pretend that we aren’t completely controlled by them. Unfortunately, one of the few remaining places to do that is really hot and smoky, but we’ve learned to find the positives in that too.

Chuck: “Why don’t you squirt some more lighter-fluid on the fire.”
Bob: “You mean it?”
Chuck: (evil smile) “Yup.”
(Lighter fluid is squirted.)
Bob & Chuck: “Ooooh!”
Bob: “Now that’s a fire.”
Chuck: (evil smile) “Yup.”

We may be simple creatures, but look on the bright side. We’re very easy to please. Just give us some fire, some heat, some smoke, and some meat, and we’ll let the ladies talk about imaginary paint colors all day long.

We even promise not to roll our eyes.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Guest Blogger: John Moran




John Moran and his boys. That's not their house.











John Moran is a divorced father of three who lives in Arizona. Around Valentines Day I asked him to blog about what it's like to re-enter the dating world. If you'd like to read that funny previous piece, click here: John Moran on divorced dating

Today he's blogging about something entirely different...




"Why does everyone have a bigger house than mine?"


By John Moran


I recently made a trip back to my Midwest hometown to attend a funeral. I get back to my hometown at least once a year. The funeral provided an opportunity to reunite with old friends, which is great. There is, however, a downfall to these trips. They can be a self confidence killer.

You see, most of my friends live in BIG houses. I could fit my humble home into some of their garage spaces. I know that I'm not supposed to judge my life by material possessions but the BIG house factor is hard to ignore.

The following is a small list of comparable features of the BIG house versus my home:

BIG house
Guest bedroom- a full separate bedroom with a bath for guests.

My house
A pull out sofa in the living room.

BIG house
Five bathrooms. Five! These people have bladder problems.

My house
One bathroom to be shared with 3 boys, 2 of which have good aim.

BIG house
Wine Fridge that keeps wine at a constant temperature.

My house
Okay, I usually have a bottle in the fridge, just in case.

BIG house
Warming tray - I believe this is a device used to keep food warm while entertaining.

My house
Nothing like cool gooey cheese. Warmed nachos are overrated.

BIG house
Alarm System

My house
If someone wants my stuff , they can have it...except for the golf clubs, of course.


It usually takes me about a week or two to recover from these trips. I beat myself up thinking "where did I go wrong?" "Why don't I have a BIG house?" I'm sure I could keep a therapist busy with my constant second guessing/questioning of my career and life decisions.

Maybe I should have never quit working at Swensen's. I had a real knack for scooping ice cream. I was also comfortable as a bagboy (courtesy clerk) at Dominick's, although that was in the day of paper only. Plastic could have thrown me for a curve.

For now I take solace in the fact that I have three great, well-behaved, bright kids. That's really my only hope at this point. Maybe one of them will become successful...and buy ME a BIG house.

They can visit any time. It has a nice guest bedroom.


To read previous guest gloggers, click here: http://rickkaempferguestbloggers.blogspot.com

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Half Empty: How well do you know your woman?


They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.





Quiz: How well do you understand your woman?


It’s really not fair. Women’s magazines have all sorts of quizzes for women to test themselves. They can find out if their relationship will last, if they are compatible with their spouse, and if they are definitely going out with a loser. They can find out if they are fat, if they are getting good bargains, or if their man will think they are fat and spending too much money.

What about us?

Where are our quizzes?

Your good friends at Half Empty have come through for you again. Today we’re offering our first quiz. As men with a significant amount of experience with women (ahem), we’re certainly qualified to administer this quiz. Be sure to add up your points at the end of the quiz and see how well you understand your woman.


1. When you ask your woman if something’s wrong, and she screams “NOTHING’S WRONG! STOP ASKING ME THAT!” What does she really mean?
A) Nothing’s wrong. Stop asking me that.
B) Want a sandwich?
C) Of course something is wrong, pinhead. I’m not going to tell you what is, but if you don’t figure it out, you will wish you were never born.


2. When you tell your woman you’re going out with the guys if it’s OK with her, and she replies: “Do what you want.” What does she really mean?
A) Do what you want.
B) If you stay home I’ll make it worth your while.
C) I will never, ever, let you forget about this.


3. When your woman says to you—“You seem a little overly frisky tonight,” what does she really mean?
A) You seem a little overly frisky tonight.
B) Stop being so subtle; it’s go-time.
C) Hose it down, Romeo—it’s not happening tonight no matter how hard you try.


4. When your woman says to you—“This kitchen is driving me crazy,” what does she really mean?
A) This kitchen is driving me crazy.
B) Who wants a sandwich?
C) Get me a new house.


5. When you ask your woman if her engagement ring is big enough, and she replies: “It’s not the size of the diamond, it’s the size of the heart.” What does she really mean?
A) It’s not the size of the diamond, it’s the size of the heart.
B) Do not, under any circumstances, upgrade the size of my diamond.
C) If size really mattered, would I still be with you?


6. When your woman says: “It’s your decision,” what does she really mean?
A) It’s your decision
B) I will always do what my man wants me to do.
C) The correct decision should be obvious by now, and if you get it wrong, I’ll be sure to let you know.


7. When your woman asks: “Do I look fat in this?” What does she really mean?

A) Do I look fat in this?
B) Look at my behind. Does that give you any ideas?
C) I hate you.


8. When your woman says, “We need to talk more,” what does she really mean?
A) We need to talk more.
B) I’m feeling a little frisky; it’s your move, Romeo.
C) You better start agreeing with everything I say.


9. When your woman says “I’ll be ready any minute,” what does she really mean?
A) I’ll be ready any minute.
B) Go make yourself a sandwich, you look a little hungry.
C) We are going to be very, very late.


10. When your woman says “Isn’t this baby adorable?” What does she really mean?
A) Isn’t this baby adorable?
B) Aren’t you glad we don’t have one?
C) Take out a loan, pal, we’re building an addition.


Answer Key: Give yourself zero (“0”) points for every question you answered “A”. Give yourself five (“5”) points for every question you answered “B”. Give yourself ten (“10”) points for every question you answered “C”. Count up your points and see how well you know your woman.

0-10 points

You don’t really have a woman, do you?

10-50 points
You may or may not know your woman. You apparently are in desperate need of a sandwich and/or a release. After you get that, try to take the quiz again.

50-80 points
Your woman is probably only mad at you a few days a week. Life would be so much easier if you had a triple digit IQ.

80-100 points
Congratulations. You know your woman very well. Welcome to middle age. Don’t you wish you could have known this stuff twenty years ago? Think of how many needless headaches you could have avoided.



If you want to read any previous "Half Empty" columns, click here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Suburban Man: Garage Poker



By Rick Kaempfer




I never thought I would be one of those guys.

You know the kind of guy I’m talking about—the kind you see when you drive around some suburban neighborhoods at night. There’s always one guy sitting on a lawn chair in his garage, wearing dark socks and sandals, smoking a cigarette and drinking a can of warm beer while watching the old family television with rabbit ears.

I knew it wouldn’t happen to me because I don’t own a pair of sandals and I only have one pair of dark socks (for weddings and funerals). I also don’t smoke cigarettes or drink warm beer—and I don’t have an old family television with rabbit ears.

Nevertheless, I’m that guy. At least, I’m the 21st century version of that guy. I don’t have a television—I have an iPod. I don’t smoke cigarettes, but I will have an occasional cigar. I don’t drink warm beer, but let’s face it, that’s only because I’m a little pickier about my beer. I have it chilled in a cooler.

My only saving grace is that I’m not sitting out there by myself. Instead, I invite a bunch of my friends over and we sit at a table and play poker. And it’s such a great time that every guy clears his schedule immediately as soon as I announce that I have an open weekend night. As it turns out, that’s only about twice a summer.

I’m not sure why I’m the only one to volunteer my garage, but it’s probably a combination of size (2 ½ car), wife (“I don’t care what you do out there”), neighbors (one empty house next door, and a hard of hearing elderly woman on the other side), and location (the guys come from east, west, north, and south).

Are we avid gamblers? No. It’s just a chance for old friends to get together, talk in the unbelievably politically incorrect way men like to talk (with lots of inappropriate profanity and sexism), have a few drinks spread out over a long period of time so nobody drives drunk, smoke some stinky cigars without anyone complaining about the smell, and listen to songs from our youth.

We had our first garage poker night of the summer a few weeks ago. At one point we went twenty minutes without playing a single hand of poker. The six of us were solving every problem in the world, from politics to baseball to our professions. We listened to the Cubs game and ripped them apart. We listened to my iPod and mocked my musical tastes. But most of all we enjoyed being our real selves. We didn’t need to edit ourselves for strangers, children, women, co-workers, or bosses. Sometimes you need to exercise your real-self-muscles so they don’t atrophy and disappear forever.

A night of garage poker is like a night of inner-truth calisthenics.

Is there a more appropriate location for that than a suburban garage? I’m sure there is, but I haven’t found it yet. I prefer to look on the bright side. At least we’re not wearing dark socks and sandals. At least we’re not drinking warm beer or smoking cigarettes. At least we’re not jiggling rabbit ear antennas to get a better picture of some old Western movie on WGN. And as soon as garage poker is over, we return to being respectable members of society.

That’s not asking for too much is it?






By the way, happy birthday America. I know you're 230 today, but you don't look a day over 225.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Lake Magazine Article: The Demon of Sports Talk

In 2004, I spent an afternoon sitting in on the afternoon sports talk show on ESPN Radio in Chicago--"Mac, Jurko & Harry." At the time, there was an obvious tension in the air. That tension reared it's head again last week, when Dan McNeil (Mac) and Harry Teinowitz got into an on-air fight--causing them both to be suspended for two weeks.




They posed for this picture just for the article, but Lake Magazine decided not to run it. That's Harry on the left, and Mac looking longingly into his eyes.






Read the quotes in the section about the three man booth, and you won't be surprised the tension came out on the air again.






The Demon of Sports Talk

By Rick Kaempfer

(From the Summer 2004 issue of Lake Magazine)





Dan McNeil doesn’t seem to have a filter that stops his thoughts from traveling directly from his brain to his mouth. It’s a trait that has been a double edged sword for the popular afternoon talk radio host on ESPN Radio (AM 1000) in Chicago. It has garnered him a loyal following of listeners who know he will give it to them straight. But it has also garnered him a series of public feuds with bosses and co-workers, and those have led to several suspensions.

Does he ever consider getting a filter installed?

“I try to filter,” said McNeil with a smile. “If what I’m going to say is going to hurt someone close to me, I try to, but I’ve not always succeeded. Whether it’s a family member who is out of line at a 4th of July barbeque that I light up the next Monday, or a friend who doesn’t bring contributions to the Sunday football fest at my home, I’ve said things that have hurt feelings. Most of the people in my universe understand that goes with the territory.”

It’s easier for friends, relatives and co-workers to forgive McNeil than you might imagine. They get over it pretty quickly because they know the harshest slings and arrows have a tendency to wind up in the rear end of the host himself. He has been candid about himself to a fault; particularly about his faults.

“I have given out a lot of things about myself,” he admitted. “I’ve admitted I abused substances. I’ve admitted that my marriage hasn’t worked. All is fair game on the show; if it’s interesting and what’s coming out of the radio in people’s cars is engaging, that’s what I’m looking for. And if it comes at my expense, the expense of my mental health sometimes, that’s the way it goes. A buddy of mine is on me constantly about giving up too much personal stuff, especially the demons. You know what? My attitude is simple. While I don’t talk publicly very much about my spiritual convictions, I believe my higher power has seen everything I’ve done, so what do I care what Mike in Schaumburg thinks?”

Back home again in Indiana

Most of the things his higher power has witnessed have taken place in Highland, Indiana; McNeil’s long-time home town. He grew up in Highland, attended high school there, and remains a resident to this day. The “tell it like it is” approach of the neighborhood is not the only thing that has rubbed off on McNeil.

“My dad was a production supervisor in Hammond,” McNeil said, “he worked his ass off—shift work. Most people in Northwest Indiana have a very strong work ethic. I saw Dad, even though it wasn’t in a white collar environment; commit himself to supporting his family. That’s the part of Indiana I bring with me to work every single day.”

“He puts a lot of time and effort into what he does,” agreed ESPN afternoon co-host John Jurkovic, another Indiana resident. “He has a great passion for his job. He’s got an intensity in the sports radio business that I don’t think a lot of people can match.”

Dan is a combustible potion of intensity, work ethic, and candor mixed together with a passion for sports. That potion has been Danny McNeil since his early days in Indiana.

“When I was eight,” he said, “Kenny Holtzman pitched his first no-hitter for the Cubs against the Braves. I was home sick with an abscess tooth that had been removed. I scored the game, then dragged my mom’s Smith Corona out of the closet and typed a one page story on his no hitter. I was a geek. I would turn the sound down and do play by play of Hawks games. I had this little portable cassette recorder. I remember recording WLS Music Radio’s Top 89 hits of the year on New Years Eve. I was fooling around with audio and writing and broadcasting even though it wasn’t to an audience…just into a recorder.”

He might have been a radio geek behind closed doors, but his love of sports wasn’t limited to watching and broadcasting from the sidelines. McNeil was the captain of the Highland High School football team as a senior, taking the team to its first conference championship in school history (1979). He tried to pursue that love of football at the next level, but that’s where his dream ended.

“I originally went to a Junior College because I thought I was going to play football. I realized after getting the crap kicked out of me every Saturday that I wasn’t going to make money at it. I was attempting to get a ride at Ball State…and I eventually did go to there, but it wasn’t to play football.”

He pursued his other dream instead. The dream that began with the Smith Corona typewriter and the cassette recorder blossomed at the communications college at Ball State. Ball State may not have offered Dan McNeil a chance to play football, but it did give him his first shot at hosting a radio show.

“It was 1981. I got a show on WBST-FM in Muncie playing the Ramones in the middle of the night. It was like the movie Private Parts. ‘If you like music, here’s Deep Purple.’ I was awful.”

But he got the bug. And although he got an offer to do radio in Fresno, the money and the location weren’t right. He just couldn’t see himself in California. The Indiana boy stayed close to home, and accepted the job as the Radio/TV writer at the Hammond Times newspaper. In what would become a habit at every stop in his illustrious career, McNeil let it be known what he wanted.

“They threw me a bone to cover sports because they knew I was going to miss it,” is the way McNeil explained it. “And covering sports led me to Chet Coppock. He was a pretty good self promoter in those days, and we developed a relationship. When Chet moved from WMAQ radio to the Loop (AM 1000) in 1988, his producer overplayed her hand. She wanted more money than the station was willing to offer her, so it quickly happened between Chet and me. I became his executive producer.”

The Big Bohunk

Chet Coppock was one of the pioneers of sports radio in Chicago. After overplaying his own hand at WMAQ television, he eventually landed at WLUP-AM, hosting the night time sports talk show after Steve Dahl & Garry Meier.

Producing a show after that famous twosome was more of a timing challenge than McNeil imagined it would be. Steve & Garry’s show was supposed to end at 7pm, but routinely ended at 7:05, or 7:10, or 7:15 or whenever Steve felt like ending it. McNeil and Coppock always tried to book the biggest sports stars at the beginning of their show to take advantage of the formidable lead-in audience, but when big-name guests had to hold on the phone for fifteen minutes, (or worse, couldn’t hold on for fifteen minutes) McNeil’s passion would get the best of him. The studio wall at the old Loop studios had the perfect imprint of Dan McNeil’s fist before construction on the new studios began.

But working as the Executive Producer for Chet Coppock was also the big break for Dan McNeil’s radio career. Somehow, the jive insincerity of Chet worked well with the Indiana candor of McNeil. At least it did at first.

“Yeah, it worked pretty well the first couple of years,” McNeil said. “And I recognize the effect he had on my ascendancy in Chicago sports radio. Without him I probably wouldn’t be here talking to you today about what I do.”

But the marriage ended badly. McNeil began filling in for Chet when he was on vacation, and began to feel the itch to spread his wings. “I sucked on the air filling in for him,” McNeil says. “I was terrible.”

But the programming staff putting together Chicago’s first all-sports radio station, WSCR Radio, didn’t think so. They made a pitch to Chet Coppock, and he flatly refused to move to the rinky-dink daytime-only station (820 AM at the time). After being rebuffed by Coppock, the Score went after his Executive Producer. McNeil jumped at the chance, and his relationship with Coppock, which had begun to sour, was irretrievably damaged. The two men bickered in print and on the air against each other for more than a decade, but McNeil says that they have recently mended fences.

“I ran into Chet at US Cellular last year,” McNeil said. “He and his son were sitting in front of me at the ballpark. And when his son Tyler told me he was a White Sox fan and hated the Cubs, I immediately went and bought him an ice cream sandwich. Chet, of course, took a pass—probably still on Nutrisystem. But we’ve had a few telephone conversations since then. I feel good about where he and I are at. He was a tremendous influence on my career, and for that I will always be thankful. The stuff that happened afterwards was ugly on both sides, and I don’t want to dredge that up again. With age comes maturity.”

The Score

With maturity came his voice. He remembers distinctly when that moment occurred; it was midway through his nine year run at WSCR.

“I was terrible for my first couple of years at the Score. I didn’t feel comfortable doing it until 1996. I was in Seattle with the Bulls in ’96, and had put together a string of shows that was pretty good—and did things socially with people I really respected on a national level like Mike Tirico and Dan Patrick. We were out howling at the moon one night, they came on the show the next day, and I felt the wind break. For the first time I knew I made the right decision. It was a specific occurrence. But it was a long time after I started there.”

It was a bumpy road at the Score. The frequency at 820AM was only licensed for day-time broadcasting, so WSCR wasn’t taken seriously by the rest of the media at first. They eventually moved their frequency twice in the next few years. First to 1160AM when Infinity Broadcasting blew up the format of WJJD, and then to 670AM when Infinity Broadcasting blew up the format at WMAQ. The on-air lineup also went through a series of shake ups and match ups during those first few years until they found a formula that worked. For McNeil, that formula included being matched up with Sun-Times writer Terry Boers. Their partnership proved to be successful in more ways than one.

“He was a great partner,” McNeil said. “We passed the ball to each other as willingly and unselfishly as any twosome has ever done it in this market. There wasn’t a clash of egos. There were days when I didn’t have a ton of thoughts or energy, and I could count on him to carry the show. All I’d have to do was punch buttons. ‘Joe in Orland, tell him why he’s an idiot.’ There were days when I dominated shows. There were days that we fought on the air. But we never got mad at each other personally. We could have the most intense sports arguments and never once did we take it personally. And after a period of time, we became very close friends. He was a big brother to me in a lot of ways. Working with Boers was good for me on and off the radio because he was a pretty good influence on me in many ways. We still talk on a regular basis.”

The connection between Boers and McNeil was so strong, that it eventually led to the dispute that severed his relationship with WSCR. The management at the station was unhappy with the ratings and another personality on the air, Mike North, was unhappy with his role. The steps they took to rectify those situations erupted Mount McNeil. It’s hard to imagine that the management didn’t know how someone with the passion and candor of McNeil would react to their proposed changes. Unfortunately, they had another passionate and candid man on the staff that could make even more trouble for them, so they chose to appease Mike North. It was a calculated risk that blew up in their faces.

“In August of ’99,” McNeil explained, “The management team was convinced by Mike North to restructure the radio station, without any discussion with the other players; Dan Jiggetts, Terry Boers or myself. They blew it all up. They called me in on a Thursday afternoon in late August when I was on vacation and said ‘When you come back Monday, you’re on with Dan Jiggetts from 4pm to 8pm and by the way, you’re doing the last hour by yourself. Mike convinced them that he needed to spread his wings, paint on a bigger canvas, talk about things other than sports, and he didn’t need a partner to bridle him.”

At the time, the Bulls championship run was over, the Bears were in a long-term free fall, the Cubs and Sox were just average, and the Blackhawks were dead and buried. There wasn’t a great deal of sports going on to get the Chicago fans excited about sports. With North choosing to talk about things other than sports to jump start his ratings, Dan McNeil tried to make it work with a new partner. It was a very difficult time for him.

“I was miserable working with Dan Jiggetts. I liked him a lot personally, but we were doing two different shows. I thought the show preceding ours was one of the most hideous things I’d ever heard (Mike North solo); fifteen minutes of David Cassidy followed by a twelve minute commercial break. You know, we were restarting the engines at 4:05 every day—it was brutal. The Score did more than just blow up their station. They let ESPN radio back in the game. I mean they were on the canvas and the referee had already given them a ten count. Harvey Wells (the Score GM), brain surgeon that he is, let them off the mat. I respectfully protested what they were doing in several correspondences with the general manager.”

When that didn’t get the job done, McNeil took his complaints public. He was suspended. He came back on the air and tried to convince them again. It was no use, the Score had set their table, and as far as McNeil was concerned, they didn’t set a place for him.

“I asked them to reconsider politely three times, to consider putting me back with Boers, or even moving me to an overnight shift to just play out my contract. Finally in October, I had enough and said ‘I’m done.’ You guys won’t reassign me, and I’m not working with Dan another day.”

And just like that, a nine year relationship with a radio station ended with a resignation. In his mind, McNeil’s intensity, candor, passion, and love of sports were incompatible with the new Score. He walked away from a $200,000 a year job with nothing lined up, and no place to go.

The Dark Days

McNeil was a married man with three children and big mortgage. He didn’t have the luxury of sitting at home in Highland Indiana or playing shuffleboard at the senior center. It wasn’t exactly an ego stroke to the 40-year-old broadcaster to show up on doorsteps with hat in hand. He doesn’t remember those days fondly.

“I had to go to the Super Bowl in January like a college kid on a recruiting trip,” McNeil recalled. “I met Len Weiner, who was at ESPN network at the time, and he asked me to do some weekend stuff in Bristol, Connecticut. They have a map in the studio with all of their affiliates and Game Night was on 600 stations in America when I hosted it—but it did nothing for me. There was no fraternity, no commonality. I would have rather gone to Detroit and talk to Lions fans about what they were going to do in the draft than have this generic vanilla national show.”

It might not have been satisfying, but like his days at the Hammond Times, it led to a connection with someone who would open the door to his next opportunity. Not too long after bringing McNeil in to the network, Len Weiner was brought in to help the sagging ratings at ESPN Radio’s Chicago affiliate. One of the things he helped the local management realize was that their locally produced afternoon show (with Bill Simonson and Lou Canellis) was not getting the job done. And Weiner knew someone at ESPN Network.

“Len Weiner punched the button here in Chicago for me,” McNeil acknowledged. “He pushed ESPN to hire me when the management was a little slow in getting rid of the last show.”

A three man booth

At ESPN Radio, McNeil was teamed up with former NFL player John Jurkovic. Jurkovic had been a defensive lineman for the Green Bay Packers, the Jacksonville Jaguars, and the Cleveland Browns, but had also made his mark off the field with his wit, a rare commodity indeed in the NFL. Bringing Jurkovic aboard was McNeil’s call.

“I called Jurko three weeks into my Jiggetts experience, and he was playing with Cleveland at the time. He was a regular guest on McNeil and Boers. He wanted to do radio when his playing career concluded, and I told him we have to do this sooner rather than later. Fortunately for me, and unfortunately for John, he tore the hamstring off his femur his second year in Cleveland and his football career ended. We were able to expedite putting a show together.”

It’s little wonder that John Jurkovic is one of McNeil’s staunchest allies and supporters. “If it wasn’t for Danny Mac, I wouldn’t be where I am right now,” Jurko told me. “He insisted I come aboard here and do the show with him. He’s fun, he’s edgy.”

While the McNeil-Jurkovic partnership has gone smoothly, they were also teamed up with former comedian Harry Teinowitz. Unlike Jurkovic, Teinowitz was a radio veteran. He had co-hosted a show with former partner Spike Manton, played a role on the national Mike and Mike morning show, and had a stint at WCKG as part of the Pete McMurray show. Teaming him up with McNeil and Jurko was the radio station’s call. “Harry was a carryover,” McNeil said. “They wanted to keep some of the station’s old feel because they were adding two new voices.”

But doing a three man show was a much different animal than the two man show McNeil had done for most of his radio career. And McNeil and Teinowitz had different views of what a show should be. “We both want to do a good show,” Teinowitz said. “But I like bits. I like goofy bits. I like having fun. If we’ve been telling people all day that we’re going to have Jerry Angelo on the air and he blows us off (which he did the day I sat in on the show), then I want to go in the other room and be Jerry Angelo. I like fake commercials. I say you play them all the time—until it’s not funny anymore. Mac thinks we played it once and we’re done with it.”

The tension started building from the very beginning. It wasn’t just that the two radio veterans had different approaches; the dynamic of doing a three man show was a difficult beast to tame on its own merits.

“It was extremely difficult at first,” McNeil admitted. “I would rather be doing something other than playing traffic cop, but fortunately over a period of time, in going over air checks (tapes of the show) and realizing that we sometimes have to pull back and not always talk, I’m comfortable with it now. It took me a long time to develop that comfort level. I was conditioned for seven and a half years to have a partner who had opinions on many subjects. When you have two guys who are pretty well plugged in and have lots of energy, a third guy sometimes can get in the way.”

That happened literally one day before the show. McNeil and Teinowitz had an argument about a segment that Teinowitz wanted to do and McNeil did not. After a relatively trouble-free existence at ESPN, McNeil’s famous passion exploded again.

“He got in my personal space and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Jurko, who is a very calm dude, said ‘Harry, shut the F up. He told us three times we’ll talk about it later.’ Harry wouldn’t accept that, so I shoved him. And I was suspended for two weeks.”

That suspension provided McNeil with a wake up call. He couldn’t go on letting his temper get the best of him. When he returned, he vowed to make it work with Teinowitz, and he has. Both men still have passionate opinions about the way the show should be run, and the tension still exists, but they have learned to turn that tension into a positive. The real tension that exists on the air between the two men adds to the texture and authenticity of the show. But of course, anyone who knows either man knows that it couldn’t happen any other way.

“Put three or four guys in a room and show me who gets along harmoniously all the time,” McNeil pointed out. “It doesn’t work that way. What brings you together often tears you apart, and I would much rather be with passionate people with thoughts—like Harry—than a guy who just fills a vacancy by plopping his ass in a chair. I prefer to have a partner with whom I have occasional battles. I don’t want milk toast.”

“Working with Dan McNeil every day is an education,” is the way Teinowitz put it. “But we have each other’s back. When we get away from this place and someone says something bad about the other guy, we’ll both stick up for each other.”

On the day I sat in on their show, the results had become evident. For the first time since the threesome was put together, they got the news that they had surpassed the afternoon ratings of their fierce competitor, the Score. McNeil was now beating his old nemesis Mike North head to head.

The Former Producer’s Producer

Of course, Mac, Jurko and Harry are only part of the reason for the success of their show. They have a strong supporting cast behind the scenes. Having an ex-producer as a boss is not exactly the dream situation for a producer, but that’s the situation that faces current producers Adam Delevitt and Ben Finfer. McNeil realizes that he may not be the easiest person to produce.

“It makes their lives more difficult,” he conceded. Delevitt agreed. “I sometimes have to remind him that things have changed a little bit since he produced a show.”

On the other hand, McNeil possesses something that is rare among radio hosts. He is loyal to a fault with his staff. “My producers have cursed me regularly over the years, but I know every one of them would tell you that I am as loyal as the day is long and they learned a hell of a lot about producing radio from being affiliated with me. I’ve had good relationships with all of my producers. Adam Delevitt is like a little brother to me. Ben Finfer came with me from the Score—he is now the sound man on the show. I’m lucky to work with these guys. They give me their blood, sweat and tears sixty hours a week. They are very creative. Adam is a good administrator and during the show producer. Ben is an extremely creative behind the scenes guy with production. He’s going to have his own show someday.”

Delevitt explained the process of how they put the show together every day. “Mac gives me a list of hit it out of the ballpark guest ideas, then I try to book them. If I can’t get them, I have a secondary list of guests to pursue. We also talk at night a lot, going over topic ideas. The other guys also have their input. The next day I come to the meeting with a list of guests and topics and we go over the show.”

Delevitt also admits that the tension on the show is real. “Keeping them all happy is a challenge. For Jurko the radio stuff seems to roll off his shoulders, but the other guys have been in radio for awhile and they tend to take it more personally. The bottom line is that they are all working toward the same thing; the best sports radio show they can possibly do.”

The Future

While the first three years of his four year contract have been tumultuous, as long as the results continue, McNeil feels he has found a home at ESPN Radio. His marriage to his wife of twelve years is ending in divorce, and his marriage to former partner Terry Boers is over, but his new dysfunctional family has been supportive during a very difficult personal time.

McNeil has even learned to see the positive in what he used to consider a negative. He is now at ease presiding over a daily three way. “It’s pretty nice on this show, that if one of us doesn’t have a lot of energy on a given day, we’re not going to suffer. It’s also a nice balance to have the three of us. Harry is a North Shore guy who loves the Cubs. Jurko is also a real Chicago sports fan, a dese dems and dose kind of guy, and I’m somewhere in the middle. Is it interesting at times? Yes. But I think we have something now that really works.”

And ‘work’ is something that a Highland Indiana boy knows a little something about.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Guest Blogger: Catherine Johns

Catherine Johns was a fixture in Chicago radio for decades. She was the morning news anchor on the Larry Lujack show on WLS. She was the host of her own talk show on WLS. She was also the sidekick/co-host of the John Landecker show on WJMK (where I met her). Now she's doing something completely different, and I asked her if she would mind writing about it.

She was kind enough to contribute the following...








Change Your Mind … Change Your Life

by Catherine Johns







Imagine yourself being able to make the changes you’ve always wanted to make. Take off some weight … stop smoking … free yourself from fear … improve your health. Now imagine being able to do it without a struggle!

Because all positive change begins in the mind, hypnosis is the perfect tool for lasting behavior change. Of course hypnosis has been around practically forever, but still, most people have some questions about it. Like these, for instance …

How does hypnosis work, anyway? Our minds operate on two levels. We use our conscious mind to make decisions, to analyze and act. The unconscious mind controls habits and emotions. Hypnosis helps you stop the fight between your conscious and unconscious minds so you can stay motivated and make the right choices every day.

But will hypnosis work for me? Almost everybody can be hypnotized, barring serious mental disorders. (I guess that leaves out some of my one-time radio colleagues!) So virtually anyone can experience the benefits of hypnosis. With your cooperation and commitment, you can expect excellent results with Positive Changes Hypnosis.

Is hypnosis safe? Yes, completely. In fact, hypnosis was approved by the American Medical Association back in 1958! You should know that you’re always in control during a hypnosis session and you can end it at any time. You can’t get “stuck” in a hypnotic state, and you certainly cannot be made to do something against your will. Hypnosis is a safe, relaxing, and enjoyable experience.

How will I know that I’m hypnotized? Most of us naturally move in and out of light trances all day long – daydreaming, imagining, dwelling on the past, dreaming of the future, carrying on internal dialogue and more. When it comes to hypnosis sessions, many people can’t tell the difference between the hypnotized state and a waking state. Some feel deeply relaxed, others feel heavy, and still others experience a feeling of lightness or a tingling sensation. Sometimes, people aren’t sure they were really hypnotized … until they notice the positive changes in their daily habits and behavior.

And what about Positive Changes Hypnosis Centers? Positive Changes uses powerful personal coaching and hypnosis to help clients lose weight, stop smoking, reduce stress, manage pain, enhance sports performance, eliminate unwanted habits … and much more.

Our mission is to create lasting positive change in every human life, one client at a time. And we’re doing it in a big way.

Karen Hand and I opened Positive Changes Hypnosis Center Chicago in March ’05. You remember Karen from her years at B-96 … doing the news with Eddie and JoBo, and presiding over “Private Lives” with Dr. Kelly Johnson. More recently, she and Dr. Kelly discussed those intimate details on their talk show at WCKG – when people were still listening to ‘CKG.

As for me, I was a news anchor/reporter and later a talk show host at WLS, sharing the mike with legends like Larry Lujack and Fred Winston. I wrapped up my radio career as morning show side-chick with John Landecker (and of course, with producer extraordinaire Rick Kaempfer) at WJMK. Then I went straight! I became a business communication consultant, coaching bankers, lawyers, and others, to enhance their presentations and their professional presence. Quite a switch from the world of wacky morning shows to wearing a pin-striped suit and becoming fluent in corporate-speak.

So here I am after yet another transition. And I have to tell you, looking at radio in the rearview mirror has been a Positive Change for Karen and me. It’s just thrilling to work with clients who are transforming their lives. And get this – there are no program directors here!

Owning a business can be a real challenge, of course. You know … all that stuff about where the buck stops. But we love it! And we’re blessed with an outstanding staff. They make running the center a real joy.

Looking to make a change in your life? Come in for a free evaluation – let’s talk about what you want to accomplish and how we can help you get there. Call 877-POSITIVE to reach the center closest to you. Or go to www.positivechanges.com.





To see my other guest bloggers, click here: http://rickkaempferguestbloggers.blogspot.com

Thursday, June 29, 2006

From the Archives: 5 Questions with Swanson & Kaempfer

Bill Zwecker, a columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times, was nice enough to write a piece about us when we put out "The Radio Producer's Handbook." This article appeared in the Chicago Sun Times on November 1, 2004.




"5 Questions with Swanson & Kaempfer"
By Bill Zwecker
Sun-Times Columnist


Veteran Chicago radio producers Rick Kaempfer and John Swanson have spent the past two decasdes learning the inside scoop on how to make good radio--or at least successful radio--as the unseen (and mostly unheard) creative minds behind such phenoms as Steve Dahl & Garry Meier, Kevin Matthews, Eric & Kathy, Jonathon Brandmeier, and John Records Landecker.

Now the two have have joined forces to pen "The Radio Producer's Handbook," and last week they shored some insights with me.

Q: You've worked for some of the biggest names in Chicago radio. When I throw out their names, describe them in a word or short phrase.

A: John Landecker? (Answer: Kaempfer: "Energy"). Jonathon Brandmeier? (Answer: Swanson: "Energy on Red Bull"). Eric & Kathy? (Answer: Swanson: "Dynamic Duo"). Steve Cochran? (Answer: Swanson: "Great interviewer. Always knows his stuff."). Steve Dahl? (Answer: Kaempfer: "True natural for radio. A total original.")

Q: Name something you could not believe was happening to you.

A: (Swanson): For me that's an easy one--meeting Paul McCartney. The moment before he walked up and I knew I was going to meet him a the House of Blues in Los Angeles, I actually did pinch myself--knowing this was a big moment. (Kaempfer) "We're both Beatles fans--when I met Ringo, that was same for me. I can remember every word of that conversation. Also for me, as a writer--meeting Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner."

Q: Who was a better guest than you ever expected?

A: (Kaempfer) Two of the biggest comedy punch lines of the 80s and 90s were Barry Manilow and Dan Quayle--and yet, when I reluctantly had to book them--they both turned out to be fantastic.

Q: Any heroes who disappointed?

A: (Swanson) Yes. Harrison Ford and Christopher Guest. Harrison was on for "The Widowmaker" and he obviously was not happy about that movie. It was all one-word answers. As for Christopher Guest, I was so looking forward to him--I love all his movies. I was looking for him to say something funny--anything! He gave us nothing!

Q: Who was the most arrogant guest you ever had?

A: (Kaempfer) Larry King. He just walked in, handed me his coat, and said "Cream, No Sugar." before he even said hello.



If you want to check out any of the previous From the Archive segments, click here: http://rickkaempferarchives.blogspot.com



This is the last official "From the Archives" segment. I'll still be dipping into the archives occasionally for a weekend segment or two in the future, but starting next Thursday, it will no longer be a weekly occurance.



In this space next Thursday and every Thursday until my book "Severance" comes out--I'll be doing a feature called "Media Notebook". It will feature links to articles about the finances, politics and personalities in the media (the subject of "Severance"). I think you'll see why this subject is so ripe for satire.








See a free preview of it here: http://medianotebook.blogspot.com)

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Half Empty: Nine Fine Sports Whines


They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.








By Rick Kaempfer & Dave Stern










You know those little moments that irk you, that get your blood pressure boiling for no good reason, that make you grit your teeth and pretend you aren’t incredibly irritated? You don’t say anything because it’s obvious that whatever is bothering you is your problem—not anyone else’s—and why should you bother other people with something that is probably just a pet peeve?

Ah, but there’s your mistake. A glass of fine whine goes with any dish. When you get a taste for it, stop by and visit one of us. Our whine cellars are particularly well-stocked.

Today we’re serving nine fine sports whines.


1. ESPN Scroll
Women's softball should never, and we repeat never, be listed on the news-flash scroll at the bottom of the ESPN screen. Anyone who wants to know a women's softball score attended the game. Let's take it easy on the tennis scores too, please. Geez, I wonder if the #27 seed beat the #73 seed in the first round of the Greater Australian Virginia Slims/American Airlines Open?

2. Baseball Rainouts
Oh, boo hoo. It's raining! Call the game! We're going to get wet! Players in every other team sport (including soccer) will play in a hailstorm, but baseball players act like they are wearing suede.

3. Baseball Fights
Say what you want about the punch Michael Barrett threw at A.J. Pierzynski, but at least it was a real punch. Baseball fights usually look like the fight over the last creampuff at the sorority social.

4. The little white dot on the top of the baseball helmet
The little button on the top of a baseball cap is hard enough to explain (what does it do?), but to actually paint a button on the top of a helmet seems completely ridiculous.

5. The Dog Show on ESPN
Fellas, please give us a break here. Unless the fat old lady running next to the poodle has to jump over hurdles or is about to get tackled by a 300 lb. lineman, this belongs on a chick channel.

6. The last 30 seconds of a basketball game
Is there a wife out there who hasn't been burned by "There's only thirty seconds left in the game--we can go as soon as it's over"? The last thirty seconds of a college basketball game actually take longer than the first 39 minutes and 30 seconds. Why not just play the last thirty seconds?

7. Cellphone waving yahoos
Let us get this straight. You paid over $100 to get the best seat in the house so that you could wave to your buddies on television? You obviously have too much discretionary income. Please send each of us a check immediately.

8. Athletes in cameo roles on TV
Willie Mays would never know Donna Reed. Don Drysdale would never know Mike Brady. Joe Montana would never know Al Bundy. The only realistic athlete cameo would have been on the West Wing, and they were smart enough not to do it.

9. U.S. Cellular Field Condiment Dispensers
Granted, this one is really only for those of us in Chicago, but can anyone explain why the "Ketchup" label is written in yellow while the "Mustard" label is written in red? How many games have been ruined by the sacreligious act of accidentally putting ketchup on a hot dog?


Again, we've just scratched the surface on sports whines. We're sure you have some you'd like to contribute. Just click on the "comments" link below--all comments go directly to Rick's e-mail.

We'll print the best ones in Friday's post.




Check out other Half Empty columns here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Suburban Man: Field Trips


By Rick Kaempfer



The idea was to get the boys out of the house this summer to experience some of the great attractions in the Chicago area. I insisted that we would take at least one “field trip” a week.

It sounded good on paper, but the dream is over after three weeks.

Why? Let me count the ways.

1. The John G. Shedd Aquarium

Our first destination was one of the finest aquariums in the world, the John G. Shedd Aquarium. This field trip started out well—it was a free day, and we got there before the lines got out of hand. Unfortunately, we also discovered that “free day” only referred to the main portion of the aquarium. You know what you can see in the main section?

A few catfish and a big tank of tropical fish.

What can’t you see? The Oceanarium, the Wild Reef or the Komodo Dragon exhibit. I started counting up the cost in my head for four people (it’s $23 a piece for an all-access pass), looked into their sad, pleading eyes and said...

“Take another look at the catfish and the tropical tank. We’re going home.”


2. Wrigley Field

How popular is Wrigley Field? It’s considered one of the ultimate tourist destinations in Chicago—with more than 3 million people paying top dollar to go there every year. I’m one of them. I have season tickets.

I only have two seats, so I usually take one boy at a time. It’s usually a wonderful father-son bonding experience, because we talk baseball. This year, I thought it would be fun to take all of them at once, so I got four tickets.

When we got there they each ordered some food (popcorn & pretzels), and we got a program. Unfortunately, because we got there late, we missed the first inning of the game. This threw off Tommy because he likes to keep score. Johnny usually likes to chat with me, but with Tommy sitting right next to him doing nothing, he decided it would be more fun to start a fight with his brother.

I spent the second inning breaking up fights. By the third inning the food was gone. By the fourth inning they were ready to go.

By the fifth inning I couldn’t take the whining any more. They complained all the way back to the car too. The walk was a little long for them.

3. The Art Institute

This just happens to be one of my favorite places to visit. The collection of artwork at the Art Institute is world class. Since Tommy (10) is an aspiring artist, I thought he would love the wide variety of paintings. Since Johnny (8) and Sean (3) are aspiring gladiators, I thought they would love the suits of armor.

As soon as we got there, I went right for the oldest paintings to show them that art can last forever. What I hadn’t considered was the subject matter. Those 15th and 16th century paintings are unbelievably barbaric. The two most popular themes? Death and War...in God’s name.

“I’m scared,” Johnny said, looking at wall-sized swords stabbing into flesh.

“This stuff is old,” Tommy said. “Don’t they have any new stuff?”

After looking at the Monet collection, and getting into the 20th century, they were bored. So, I took them to see the suits of armor...my ace in the hole.

We walked through the entire exhibit without the slightest flicker of interest. That was when I made the mistake of telling Johnny that they were real suits of armor. Apparently, he has seen one too many episodes of Scooby Doo, because he thought the suits of armor were going to break out of their glass cases to get us.

“I’m scared,” he said.

“I’m bored,” Tommy said.

That was it. End of trip. When I sarcastically mentioned to them on the way home that next week’s field trip would be to the neighborhood pool, they all cheered.

Culture is overrated.

The field trip summer has been canceled.



To see any previous Suburban Man columns, click here: http://suburbanmanarchive.blogspot.com

Sunday, June 25, 2006

SHORE MAGAZINE ARTICLE: Lawn Sports and Games

By Rick Kaempfer


(From the July 2006 issue of Shore Magazine, available on-line at www.visitshoremagazine.com)






There was a time, kids, when people gathered for backyard parties and played games instead of watching them. It’s true. Look it up.

These games are slowly making a comeback. Backyard games like bocce, croquet, badminton, bean bag games, horseshoe pitching, Frisbee and more, may once again become common sights around your neighborhood.

For those of you thinking about bringing these former staples back into your regular yard party rotation, we offer this quick refresher course.



Badminton
(For a complete list of Badminton rules, go to www.usabadminton.org)
Some people may not be comfortable playing a game with terms like “Shuttlecock” and “Birdie,” but Badminton has been around for hundreds of years in places like China and India. The name “Badminton” comes from the estate name of the duke of Beaufort in England. It’s a racquet sport like tennis, but an inexpensive badminton set (with racquets and net) can be purchased for less than $40 at most sporting goods stores. Badminton can be played at a very competitive level (it’s been an Olympic sport since 1992), but it’s also the perfect backyard sport because it doesn’t require much space, it can be played by all ages, and the next “birdie” that breaks a window will be the first.

Bean Bag Games
Bean Bag toss games have become wildly popular over the past few years, and one of the reasons is that they can be played indoor and outdoor. The standard two-color beanbag game with two laminated boards (that each have a bean bag sized hole) is probably the most popular. Teams of two compete with four bean bags per person, and much like horseshoe pitching, score points based on who gets the most closest to (or in) the hole. The popularity of this basic version of the game has spawned all sorts of variations—from tic-tac-toe beanbag, to large vinyl beanbag targets shaped like fish or clowns or football players or baseball diamonds or hopscotch or dart boards. For around $30 you could have a bean bag game that entertains your entire party.

Bocce
(For more information about Bocce, go to United States Bocce Federation website at www.bocce.com)
Bocce players often take this game veeerry seriously, but that doesn’t mean that it can’t be a fun lawn party game. The advantage of bocce is the number of people that can play at one time. There are four bocce balls per team, so there can be either one, two or four players per team. Bocce balls are heavy, so it’s probably not the best sport for smaller kids, but the basic rules are pretty easy to follow. The “pallina” or “jack” ball is thrown by the team that wins the flip, and then each thrower tries to get the bocce ball closer to the pallina than the person before him. It is permissible to knock balls away, which makes for fun competition. A nice bocce set will set you back over a hundred dollars, but for backyard purposes, a simple beginner set will probably suffice and can be found for less than $50.

Croquet

(For a complete set of croquet rules, go to www.croquet.com )
Croquet is making a major resurgence in America; even becoming popular as an activity at corporate events and parties. In this country, it’s still considered a backyard picnic type sport, but it’s played competitively in twenty other countries like New Zealand, the United Kingdom, and Australia. (In Australia it’s as popular as Olympic sports like boxing and rowing.) If you’ve ever played croquet, you know how fun it can be. It truly is a sport that can be played by any age, male or female. All you need is a croquet set, a nice sized yard, and at least one party guest with a hypercompetitive streak to make things interesting. Players hit wooden balls with wooden mallets through a series of nine or ten wire arches named wickets. The course is set up in a double diamond with stakes on either end, and the first player to get all of his balls through the wickets, hitting the second stake is the winner. Like bocce, a nice croquet set can get a little pricey, but you should be able to find a decent set for around $50.

Frisbee Games
(A complete list of rules for Frisbee or disc-golf, and we mean complete—it’s something like 20 pages long - go to the Professional Disc Golfers Association website at www.pdga.com )
Of course the Frisbee has never gone completely out of style because it’s light, inexpensive, and easy to transport. However, the games that are played with the Frisbee have gotten quite complex. Probably the most popular Frisbee game is disc-golf. This combines the rules of Frisbee and golf—the object is to make the fewest number of throws to get your Frisbee through each hole. Of course, you’ll need lots of room to do this correctly. If you have a gigantic backyard or nearby park, it’s tough to beat disc-golf. The hoop targets tend to get a little pricey (you’ll probably pay over $300 for a complete 9-hole set), and the outside of the boxes say the three words I most dread seeing, “Some Assembly Required,” but if you can get past the expense and the hassle, it’s a good time.

Horseshoe Pitching
(For complete horseshoe pitching rules, including the regulation pitching distances, go to www.horseshoepitching.com )
Horseshoe Pitching is the granddaddy of all the tossing games. The rules are almost exactly the same as a game called quoits (which was supposedly created by bored sailors who played it on ship decks with rings of rope—called quoits). Both quoits and horseshoes have been around forever; they were played all the way back in ancient Greece and Rome. They have also been popular in America since this country was founded. The main idea of each game is the same, get the horseshoes or quoits as close to the peg as possible. A ringer is 3 points, a leaner is 2 points, and if you get one closer to the peg than your opponent, it’s one point. You’re supposed to pitch the horseshoes into sandpits about thirty to fifty feet away, but everyone knows you can play it without the pits. A cheap rubber or plastic horseshoe kit can be found for about $10, but why not splurge and get the real deal? An official metal horseshoe kit is only about $30, plus it’s good luck. If you have a nice long yard, and can keep the kids away from the flying metal horseshoes, a great time can be had by all.

Lawn Darts

Did you just find your old “Jarts” or “Lawn Darts” in the back of your shed? Wouldn’t it be great to bring them out again and give those metal spikes another toss? Don’t do it. They have been illegal in America since 1988. The Consumer Product Safety Commission not only banned them, they urged everyone who owned them to destroy the lawn darts they had (and you weren’t paying attention, were you?) What could have possibly gone wrong with weighted metal spikes hurling through the air at backyard family gatherings? Well, apparently they caused thousands of injuries and three deaths. I did find a product called “Safety Lawn Darts” on the internet, but I wouldn’t recommend buying it...just to be safe. (Although it was only $9.95).

Can’t Buy Me Love


Of course, you don’t have to spend much money at all to have fun with lawn games. A simple ring toss game is basically the same as horseshoes, and it’s cheap. Even the tykes can play it. Plastic Scoop Toss games (based on lacrosse) are no more than $10. Or, if you really want to save money, how about a simple game of Kick the Can. Cost? One can. How about Capture the Flag? Cost? Two socks. Ghosts in the Graveyard? Free.

Remember, lawn games were invented to pass the time in a relatively non-strenuous way. If you’ve got the lawn, and you’ve got the players, and you’ve got the equipment, and you’ve got a bunch of couch potatoes crowding around the television at your family gatherings watching the ballgame, entice them to enjoy the outdoors by starting up one of these games.

It won’t take them long to remember why they used to love playing them so much.