They say that when you hit your 40s, your life is half over. We prefer to think of it as HALF EMPTY. Our age has finally caught up with our outlook on life. Remember, it is possible to turn that frown upside down...but you might pull a muscle.
When Scott McLellan announced he was stepping down as White House Press Secretary, Dave and I knew exactly who should take his place...us. We sent the following letter several days before a replacement was named. Unfortunately, the President decided to go in a different direction, hiring a "name"--Tony Snow.
So far, no response to our letter.
(Although we're fairly certain that two new files have opened at the FBI.)
April 21, 2006
President George Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500
Dear President Bush,
We would like to applaud Scott McClellan’s performance throughout the last couple of years, while offering our assistance filling his now vacant post. We think we have the perfect replacement: Us.
What are our qualifications?
We’ve both been married for over a dozen years. I’m sure you’ll agree that this is the perfect previous experience. For instance, we’ve become quite adept at dodging questions. Instead of saying, “I’d love to answer the phone, but I can’t during an ongoing football game”, we can just as easily say, “I’d love to answer that, but I can’t comment on an ongoing criminal investigation.” See what a seamless transition that would be?
Since we’re married, we’re also accustomed to deferring to the “Commander-in-Chief” of our homes—our wives. We know better than to freelance without getting approval of everything we say in advance. Plus, we know how to take the blame for everything. In fact, between the two of us, we’ve accumulated over a hundred different ways of apologizing. You think you have low approval ratings...Talk to our wives sometime. We don’t want to diminish the job there, but if anyone thinks we can’t handle the angry press corps, they should come to our house on recycling day when we accidentally throw out the wrong kind of plastic. Our ‘environmental wacko’ wives make David Gregory look like Mother Theresa.
Finally, we are both very familiar with foreign policy. We don’t like to toot our own horns but both of us are superior RISK players. Just think of how valuable our knowledge of Irkutsk, Kamchatka and Yakutsk will be to you.
I’m sure you’ll agree that with our outstanding experience and work ethic we will be valuable additions to your administration. We would be happy to meet with you in person and discuss the Press Secretary position in more detail. Please call Dave at (deleted) or Rick at (deleted) to schedule an interview.
Sincerely,
David Stern
Rick Kaempfer
P.S. Please don’t audit us.
It's possible that we haven't been thinking big enough. Please click here: http://www.petitiononline.com/thewho69/petition.html and sign our petition to have our faces included on Mount Rushmore.
We have started accumulating our "Half Empty" columns here: http://halfemptyarchive.blogspot.com
