Father Knows Nothing: Undercover Old-timer

This past weekend I attended the "Pretty Lights" concert with my son at the Aragon Ballroom. It was really my first time seeing this whole "DJ as performer" phenomenon, and I really enjoyed the show. Pretty Lights really put the time and effort into making it a show, with a great light display, a live horn section, and a live drummer. It was a little loud (I felt my entire body rattle when the bass made the Aragon Ballroom floor shake), but these ears have endured far worse. (I think they actually sustained some damage at the Van Halen show in Ludwigshafen in 1979).

For me, however, the real show was not on the stage. It was in the audience. This was an 18+ show, so there were quite a few young people there, and very few old people like me. Very few. I spotted one guy who was bald and graying and struck up a conversation.

"So," I said, "Looks like it's just the two of us."

"I work here," he replied.

"Oh, then I guess it's just me."

I'm not exaggerating when I say I was only 50+ person in the entire audience. I'm pretty sure I didn't see any 40+ers either, and it's even possible there weren't any 30+ers. How young was the audience? The line for beer was shorter than the line for the water fountain. And it was a sold out show.

But people-watching was an eye-opener for me. Let's just say that this audience wasn't concerned about running into mom or dad, so they let it all hang out. As an undercover old-timer, I have a few observations I'd like to share with the moms and dads who didn't attend.

*Most of the girls were wearing these (photo). I don't think it costs any extra to get enough material for your whole leg, honey. Oh, and I shouldn't know whether or not you are wearing underwear. Just sayin. That 18-year-old kid over there is taking snapshots and he's not aiming at your face.

*One girl was wearing a t-shirt that said "Snatch" in fancy cursive lettering above an arrow pointing down to her nether regions. Two words describe it best: "Subtle" and "Classy"

*At least she had a shirt on. Several of the girls were sporting the bra and skirt-that-barely-covers-your-rear look. Ran into a few of them in line waiting to get in the Aragon. It was 30 degrees outside, and they weren't wearing jackets either. Maybe I'm just a practical old man, but I wasn't thinking "Oooh, sexy." I was thinking "Oooh, frostbite."

*On the other hand, I saw quite a few wearing these (photo), which must have kept their calves and feet warm at least. I had to resist the urge to tap one of them on the shoulder and say: "I'm not an animal rights activist, but how many Snuffleupagusses had to die to keep your feet warm?"

*The guys, on the other hand, could have been snatched out of 1978, and transported in time. They were wearing flannel shirts, jeans, and baseball caps. Sure, their caps were askew (like Charlie Brown after giving up a homer), and the cap-bills were rigid, and a few of the caps had blinking lights, but other than that, it appears that guys haven't changed at all in the last thirty five years.

*Although I will say this to the guy wearing the "Bitches All Love Me" cap. They don't. Have you noticed that they are avoiding you like the plague? Even the girl with the "Snatch" shirt.

*One last observation, and this has nothing to do with the fashion choices. One-hitter technology has apparently progressed dramatically over the past few decades. At first I thought the kids really loved pens and flutes, but no. They were smokin' 'em.

So that's my report, moms and dads. I don't get out of the basement much, and I only have boys at home (I just made the sign of the cross as I wrote that), so I'm probably not telling you something you don't already know, but it was an educational experience for me.